Xmas is nearly here

Cheryl's autobiography has become the No1 selling book in the run upto Christmas, who the heck wants to read a book about a stick insect when you are fat and bloated after Christmas dinner.




Cheryl apparently felt choked up after receiving a Christmas card from ex-husband Ashley, perhaps if she was better at swallowing they would still be together.

Still not spooted any presents with my name on.. What could I be getting?

Ashley new woman

Looks like Ashley has finally moved on from Cheryl and now he's dating the sexy blonde bird fromI'm a celebrity. Given how bad Ashley is at cooking dinner with Ash will make those bush tucker trials look like a walk in the park.

Now that Cheryl can see Ash has moved on may be she will now settle down and find a new bloke who she can get coupled up with.

OMG

I don't believe it. Cheryl has only gone and bought me a silly boody outfit to wear for Christmas. If she thinks I'm going to wear it and look a tit she can think again. As soon as she put's it on me I'm crap all over it so she has to throw it away.  She doesn't have to wear stupid outfits so why should I?

Cold,cold,cold

Why is it still so bloody cold. I'm really not suited to this kind of weather, I've no extra layers of flab in insulate me and my outstide skin is practically thread bare. The only thing I can do is hide under my blanket and dream of Christmas. Simon has clearly got the best idea flying off to somewhere nice and hot for the next few weeks. The only problem he might have is getting back into the country at the endof his holiday if the runways are still covered in ice.




While Simon is away Louis has been left behind to keep Simon's bride to be entertained. He seems to be doing a good job of it if the pictures of the two of them in the papers is anything to go by.



Katie is back performing infront of a handful of fans again,Matt is still busy milking his new found fame and Wagner hasn't done anything outragous for days now. Looks like it's back to business as usual.



Had a good sniff round Cheryl's room today but didn't manage to find my present. What could it be?

Arise Sir Simon

According to at least one paper Simon Cowell could be in line for a Knighthood in the New Years honours list, here's hoping the queen slips when she has the sword near to his head. He already thinks he's god now what will he be like if he becomes a Sir?

Matt has made it to the coverted Christmas number one slot but lets face it he didn't have a great deal of competition given his nearest rival called 4 minutes of silence. Even Wagner could have beaten 240 seconds of silence.

Shaon's back on the booze

Nicole Scherzinger would be a much better judge than Cheryl Cole on the US version of X-factor; according to Sharon Osbourne. If Sharon's started bitching about Cheryl it must mean she's been at the Christmas sherry already.


Simon Cowell has now come out......, (well not quite yet) and said George Michael will not be a judge on US X-factor. Well that's not really news most people saw the original story for the pile of stinking pooh that it was.

15minutes and counting.

Looks like Matt is trying to cram as much as he can into his 15 minutes of fame: partying, drinking, Radio and TV interviews and giving newspaper exclusives. At the rate he is going we will all be bored of him by early January and we will be waiting for new talent to emerge on BGT.

Apparently Michael McIntyre plans to lose weight before becoming a judge on Britain's got Talent. Why on earth would he want to do that, all you have to do is sit behind a desk pressing a button and make the ocassional silly comment. I think even I could manage to do that.

No way.

It must be getting close to Christmas because the papers are printing any rubbish. Today one paper was even suggesting that George Michael might become a judge on X-factor.  How many bottles of wine would a journalist need to drink to come up with such a stupid story?  Apart from the fact he's not had a hit record for at least a decade there's the small matter of his criminal record that is not likely to go down well in the US.
I think Simon has started this story off just to try and wind Cheryl up because there is no way the yanks would buy into having an all British judging panel,

He talks bollocks and buys bottox.

Simon has bought his three fellow judges £3000 worth of Bottox vouchers as a thank you present for their help during the series. Whilst I'm sure Louis was very grateful Dannii and Cheryl have let it be known that they are less than impressed. I don't know why Dannii is making such a fuss given that it is a well known fact she has been having bottoxs for years. I think Cheryl is cross because she sees it as Simon having a dig at her. It could have been worse he could have bought her £3000 worth of singing lessons, now that would have been cruel.  

Picking over the bones

As X-factor starts to wind down the papers are still trying to get a few extra column inches out of analysing the voting figures. I can't see why they are bothering it's not going to change the result.
Most journalists have reached the conclusion that Simon did his best to keep in the acts that created the most publicity for the show. Given how good the viewing figures have been this year he seems to have done a fine job once again. 

The show has made £150m for ITV so that should help them knock out a few more episodes of 'Dickinson's RealDeal' and the 'Jeremy Kyle show.'

smug, detached, over-emotional

The backlash against Cheryl has reared it's ugly head again with the usually nutters on the Internet rushing to slag her off. Her major crime this time is that she didn't do enough to help Rebecca. The anti-Cheryl mob believe she wasted too much time with Cher and Katie leaving Rebecca to paddle her own canoe. I think this criticism is probably a tad unfair on Cheryl. The work that Cheryl did with Cher and Katie didn't really help them all that much.  When the voting figures were announced they prove that Katie did badly most weeks frequently relying the judges to save her, Cher also only just managed to hold on by her finger nails most week.

The voting figures do seem to back up all the claims that the show was fix. Mary had more votes than Cher in the semi's but Cher was protected from the vote by the judges so she survived. It also appears that Mary went very close to knocking out 'One Direction.' That would have been interesting TV if Cher and One Direction had been forced into a 'sing off'. Simon would have saved his act and Cheryl would have saved  her act but how would Louis and Dannii have voted.

After making it to the final only to fall at the last hurdle Cher went off to sulk on Sunday night and so she missed Matt being crowned champ.  She then blamed Cheryl for being knocked out and then claimed she would finish up being bigger than Simon so I can only assume she isgoing to buy some shoes with very big heels on.

Over at last.

God this series of X-factor seems to have been going on forever. Cheryl act managed to bag the runners up spot which was probably the best she could have hoped for because Simon clearly anted a boyband or a strong male vocalist to win.  I can't believe they allowed all the dreadful rejects to make one last appearance I thought Simon wanted the show to be all about discovering and nurturing talent not some kind of modern day freak show.

A new poll carried out to find the most popular judge found that Dannii out performed Cheryl with Louis trailing in in last place. This should come as no reall surprise given that Dannii was looking after some of the nicest acts whilst Cheryl had to keep defending Katie and Cher and Louis was lumbered with Mary and Wagner.  Dannii alos seems to have won the fashion stakes as well but as I keep pointing out she has more time on her hands to pick the best clothes while Cheryl is here, here and everywhere so she doesn't have days to waste hunting for the riht dress to wear.

I did get a spot of good news today about my housing status. It appears that Cheryl is buying a new pad in the West End not far from Simon. Hopefully if Cheryl takes me with her I'll get the chance to hang out with a few celebrity bitches.

The Witch is dead.

Finally Cher has been voted off of the X-factor. If only I had learned how to use speed dial sooner she would have been out weeks ago. I've no doubt she will be bombarding Cheryl with text and phone calls over the next few days. If Cheryl's not careful she could end up being her stalker.  It now looks like a straight fight between Rebecca and Matt. Cheryl will be rooting for Rebecca  but I've now reached the point that I'm past caring as long as it's all over by Sunday night and normality can return for a few days before Christamas kicks in.

Every loser wins.

Oh dear, Simon has said all four acts in the final could get record deal. What is the point of that? So even if Cher gets kicked out we will still have to listen to her on the radio. Surely it would be better if they adopted a winner takes all approach with all the losers being forced to take a vow of silence for at least a year if they don't win.

Just three more days to go.

After seeing Simon's smug face in every newspaper and on every TV show I'm now looking forward to Sunday nights final, hopefully once the winner has been announced Simon will disappear somewhere for a few months so we can all have a rest from him.

I can't understand why all the journalist bend over backwards to brown nose him. He makes one outrageous claim after another but none of the journalist ever takes him to task over his statements. Why is he so confident that Ofcom are not going to tick him off for ripping of viewers? Has he got some inside knowledge? Or does he just know they are a bunch useless tossers who wouldn't say boo to a goose if they could help it.

Cher got all upset today at a press conference because she has just found out that everyone hates her, did she really think that a chav doing some rapping was really going to be popular with the British public or more to the point the nations teenage text generation.

Cheryl is still well behind Dannii in the style stakes I hope she's got something special to wear in the final to help her grab that last minute equaliser.

Cher seems to be morphing into Cheryl again with both of them now having the same coloured hair, the last time a saw someone with purple hair they were being treated for nits.

How sweet?

Cheryl has popped round to see Cher's mum and then she went out dancing with her.  I'm not really sure if Cheryl is giving her so much support because she believes she has potential or whether or not she wants her to act as a boddy double in the event of anyone trying to attack her.

Simon says

Simon has given an exclusive interview to 'The Sun' in which he denies that X-factor is fixed. That's OK then if Simon say's it's not fixed it clearly isn't fixed. It is obviously just a coincidence that the four acts Simon wanted in the final have all made it to the final. He probably wanted Katie in there as well but he would have had to let five acts into the final to do that.

Cheryl has been up to Liverpool with Rebecca to try and disprove rumours that she spends more time with Cher than her other acts. I wonder if she will go out selling pegs and lucky heather with Cher tomorrow to keep her happy?

Fix, Fix, Fix

All the papers seem to be in agreement on one thing today that last nights vote was a fix. It seems that most pundits and voters had been lead to believe that it would be totally down to the voters to determine who would make it to the final, but a few weeks ago, probably around the time that Cher found herself in the bottom two for the first time Simon changed the rules so that he would control who stay and who goes.  What a shame he didn't tell that to the viewers or the people who spent money voting in the belief that their vote might make a difference.

At least one paper is also suggesting that Cheryl and Ash are texting each other again. I'm sure they are but it probably all to do with the nitty gritty of selling the house rather than hugs and kisses. They are probably also discussing who will look after me and Coco if madam heads over to the states. Hopefully Ash might be given custody so that I can stay put and protect the house against nosey journalists and intruders.

How predictable.

What a surprise Cher turns on the water works and gets to the final and Mary get's sent home. Whilst Cheryl and Simon were always going to vote for the Princess of the Chav's I really don't understand Dannii. On a Saturday night she talks a lot of sense pointing our Cher's weakness's but then come Sunday she falls under Simon's spell ans supports the act that he wants to keep in the show. What is the point in te viewers voting if their votes are just going to be ignored by the panel?

I still think One Direction or Matt will win because it is essentially silly teenage girls who waste their money each week voting for these acts. Rebecca is too classy to pick up votes from teenage girls and Cher is too trashy to pick up the votes of the teenage girls. So just like last year the boys will take first and second spot with the girls back in third and fourth.  Simon will be happy because he makes a fortune whover wins, Dannii will be happy because she's got a act in the final, Cheryl will be pleased because two of her acts made it to the final and Louis will be happy because it will be all over again for another year.

What marvelous medicine!

All weeks the papers have been full of stories about how sick all the judges and contestants were on X-factor, yet come Saturday night they all put on their glad rags and performed. So I think it's safe to assume that most of the stories were bullshit.

Can someone explain to me what is the point of Cher? Is she not just a gobby, stroppy , talentless teenager who things that rapping is still cool?  Rap is so last year girlfriend. The only people who rap now are performers who can't sing for toffee.

The papers have finally woken up to the fact that Cheryl's mum is a bossy bitch who wants to rule the world. Some canny journalist must have taken a peep at my blog to find out the truth about what goes on behind the scenes at Chez Cole.

What the heck is happening at Chelsea? By the end of October the title was in the bag but at the moment they could be fighting with Liverpool nd Spurs for the fourth third spot if they keep playing the way they are. Has the godfather lost is touch or have boys gone off the boil since Ray got the sack.


It was too cold for any love action again today but I reckon by Monday my luck will be back in.

Since when was wearing a woollen hat a news story.

At least one paper today thought Cheryl wearing a woollen hat was a major news story, more important than the country being at a standstill or England not getting to hoste the world cup.

Mary and Matt are both meant to be ill so all the papers are using the meltdown word again. How well do you need to be to mime to a backing track. This is just the usual spin to reduce expectation so that if either of them put in a half decent performance it will be seen as remarkable.

Still too cold to out so spent the afternoon in my basket sucking on a dogs best friend.

Battersea Dogs home here I come!

What a grim day I've had today. First I wake to find it's still bloody cold and then I discover that Cheryl is off to LA and taking her mother with her.  Now I'm no great fan of her mother but at least while ever she is around I have a roof over my head. But what if she leaves the country where does that leave me and Coco?
Will we be sold or put up for adoption?  Will Ashley come to our rescue and let us stay at the house afte Cheryl leaves and he moves in.  It's all very upseting.

Looks like Golden Balls had a bad day as well, despite making an emotionakl speech to FIFA the England bid only managed to get 2 votes. How pathetic was that. Luckily for Ashley he will have retired by 2018 so he will not have to go to Russia.

Not more bloody snow!

Whatever happened to global warming? I thought this country set to become hotter and hotter not colder and colder. It's a nightmare I've not had a good hump for ages. If I don't use my dick soon I'm sure it's going to drop off. It's not meant to snow before Christmas it's just not British. No wonder Cheryl is so keen to bugger off to LA.

Talking of LA it looks like Cheryl may have a bit of a problem, several newspapers have now mentioned the fact that Cheryl needs a green card if she wishes to work in America but officials in America can get a bit arsey if you have any kind of criminal conviction. Sadly for Cheryl she got a conviction seven years ago for hitting a cloakroom attendant. I'm sure that Cheryl will have no problem getting around this obstacle because in America rich people can get the best justice that money can afford and with her cash and Simon's cash anything is possible.

The remaining acts in X-factor are slowly starting to jockey for position before Saturday's Semi final. Rebecca think Cher is getting special help because Cheryl spends so much more time with her. The reason Cheryl spends so much time with Cher is because she is fairly crap and extremely needy. I still think the final will be between One Direction and Matt so really the girls and Mary are just the side show. Most of the voters are teenage girls so I can't see too many voting for Cher because she's a Chav. The chances are come Sunday night it will be Mary and Cher in the sing off and Mary will be heading back to Tesco's.

Cheryl to get top dollar to go to the USA

The papers all of the opinion that madam has signed a £3m deal to be a judge on X-factor in the USA. It's not really a big surprise the story seems to have been doing the rounds most of the year. Simon obviously wants her to act as his stooge on the American show in the same way as she acts as his stooge in Britain.
Most of the American judges would probablt tell him where to go but Cheryl is always happy to comply with his wishes as long as her loyalty is repaid with a generous contract.

Wagner claims he is being gagged by Simon Cowell, I find this hard to believe, Wagner has been speaking his mind since he arrived on the show so why would he zip it now he's no longer on the show. I assume what he means is that Simon won't let him on the X-factor tour if he spills the beans on what goes on beyind he scenes on the show.  I think he is probably negotiating a deal with a tabloid, if a paper offers to meet the £100,000 he would lose if he was kicked off the tour he would probably tell all and not bother with the tour.

What has Simon done with Wagner?

Got up early this morning hoping to see Wagner on breafast TV but he was nowhere in sight, thought he may have had a lie-in so waited for 'This Morning' to come on but still no Wagner. He didn't even make it onto 'Loose Women' or 'Allan Titchmarsh'  I reckon Simon has had him abducted so that he doesn't spill the beans about all the back-stage goings on.  Or may be he's been kidnapped by another record company eager to get him to record a track to grab the Christmas No.1 slot.

Katie did managed to do qite a few interviews and was quizzed about her granny the hooker and all the other stories that have been written about her in the last few weeks. She seemed to come out of it all fairly unscathed and she certainly didn't have to resort to crying or fainting.

Matt is susposed to have had a go Cher last week because she was giving one of the stylists a hard time while preparing to go on stage. If the papers are to be believed Matt is actually dating the stylist, I don't believe this story on bit because surely if he really was seeing a stylist she wouldn't let him wear such awful clothes and have all that silly stubble on his chin.

The king is dead long live th king.

I can't believe that Wagner has finally been given the push. His singing last night was the best he has done so far and he even won the sing off hands down but Louis sided with the three witches and booted him off. I can only assume they ganged up on him because they knew that she actually had more votes than Mary so they couldn't affoord for it to go to deadlock.  With Katie gone as well the last two shows are going to be pretty damn boring. I reckon it's now odds on that Simon's boy band is going to clean up with Mary and Cher getting the boot next week.

Apparently Derek has flown all the way from LA just to comfort Cheryl still not sure if he is a love interest or one of the worlds most expensive male escorts.

Asley had another bad day at the office with Chelsea only drawing one one with the Geordies I bet that made Cheryl smile.

God it's cold!

It was so cold today that at one point I actually felt my dick had fallen off, I don't even think the hottest bitch in the world could have got be aroused today. After getting back to the house I headed straight to my basket and blanket and spent the afternoon giving myself orally stimulation.

After a nice pleasant nap I was all set up for a night in front of X-factor, I can't believe they made all the acts sing to songs what was the point of that? It would have been more fun if they had forced the acts to duet with each other. Cher and Wagner could have done a Sunny and Cher number and throwing Katie together with Matt could have made for good TV.

The judges seemed to pull out all the stops to help Cher tonight so I'm now guesing it will be Katie, Mary and Rebbecca in the bottom 3 on Sunday with Katie surving yet again. It no seems to be less of a music show and more of a soap opera.

The tension mounts.

Sunday really could be make or break for two of Cheryl's acts with a double eviction on the cards. The one with the lowest vote will go automatically while two other acts will have to go to a sing off. Katie and Cher must be very nervous after last week when Cher was in the bottom two and Katie only escaped by a whisker. I can't see either of them picking up Paije's supporters so once again we will have three girls really fighting over around 25% of the vote.  I reckon Katie will go and then Cher and Mary will be in the sing off.

Katie's hooker granny has said she will be backing Wagner so that doesn't sound like a vote of confidence in her grand daughters talents, may be she is backing Wagner because she sees him as a potential client.

Not another tatty tattoo.

It looks like Cheryl is trying to turn herself into a female David Beckham by having another tattoo on her body. Doesn't she realise that one day she may have kids and the stretch marks will make the tattoos look stupid. If you must partake of body art she should stick to Henna tattoos which will at least wash off after a few weeks.

The X-factor rumour mill has gone into overdrive again with gossip about Cher bonking a member of the production team in her dressing room, Katie all embarrassed about her granny being a hooker and Wagner just being himself as usual.  I think most people are getting pretty bored with it. I personally find 'I'm a celebrity get me out of her a lot more entertaining. I especially liked seeing Lembit Opik being bitten by a snake on tonights show.

Some of the people on the show are well mental and we get to see it in the raw without all the editing and miming you get on X-factor. Wouldn't it be great if they sent Louis, Simon, Cheryl and Dannii into the jungle. I'm sure the two girls would be fine and they would show up the blokes for the pathetic wimps that they actually are.

Now it's time to pick on Simon's group.

Well it had to happen eventually, after Simon has finished slagging off all the other acts, his group are now starting to feel the heat. They appear to have committed the unforgivable sin of miming on stage. Whilst I'm sure they probably do mime they are only copying all the other acts on the show. I think the problem Simon has got this year is that more viewers are now watching the show on HDTV's so it's now far easier to spot when someone's lips are not moving in time with the words.

All the evidence is pointing to the fact that Wagner keeps getting in the top half of the voting despite the fact that he can't sing and all the panel apart from Louis keep slagging him off. May be Simon needs to do what he did last year with Jedward and start praising Wagner a bit more, that would be the kiss of death on his chances of winning.

Katie is very upset that her granny has been exposed as a hooker and claims she has brought shame on the family. Poor, poor Katie let me get my violin out.

It's nice to see that Chelsea are back on track after winning 2:1 on Tuesday hopefully, they will now start to click in the league and start to pull away from the Manchester mob again.

All hail Saint Simon

Would you believe it Saint Simon has won a special Emmy for his contribution to TV and for his charity work. Charity work my arse! Is only contribitution to charity is to knock together so pisspoor cover version of a good song so he can promote some of his talentless acts. I bet he doesn't even have to break sweat. It hardly makes him the next mother Teresa or Bob Geldof.

Cheryl is busily telling people she is thinking of giving up X-factor to devote more time to her solo singing career. Surely that is not a wise move. Given how heavily she realies on the show to promote her records she really doesn't want to get on the wrong side of Simon especially now that he's got Cher waiting in the wings to take over from Cheryl as the nations sweet heart.

Knock,knock

According to the papers Wagner went knocking on Cheryl's dressing room door last night to try and clear the air but she wasn't having any of it. Why oh why do papers publish this drivel? And more to the point who blabbed te story to the press? It looks to me that the more Simon and co slag off Wagner the more votes he gets. Why don't they just ignore him and the public will soon get bored and stop voting for him.

If the leaks on twitter ate to be believed Cher and Katie got a similar number of votes and it could just have easily been Katie in the bottom two again. With Paige now gone it looks like Cheryl's act's are all competing for the same 25% of voters.  So if one of the girls does really well the other two would be drinking in the last chance saloon. That would be a tough call for Simon save Katie or Cher. I suspect he might just go with Cher because she looks a bit like Cheryl and Simon clearly has a crush on Cheryl.

So much for attacking Wagner.

I'm still not sure what Cheryl aimed to achieve by attacking Wagner last night but she certainly didn't get him relegated to the bottom two. Instead Wagner survived and her little clone ended up in the bottom two instead.  Is this a sign that Simon has lost his touch. They threw everything but the kitchen sink at Wagner this week and he's still in the competition, he's slowly turning into the Terminator. Apart from getting him deported it's hard to see how Simon is going to deal with Wagner.

Why wash your dirty washing in public pet.

Tonights X-factor was all pretty dull until Wagner did his turn and then both the girls made themselves look extremely silly as usual, Dannii had nothing constructive to say about his singing so babbled on about nothing. Cheryl also failed to address his singing but instead attacked him for comments he is meant to have made about her to a tabloid journalist.  Surely if she wanted to have it out with him she could have done it before the show. Instead she just made herself look silly when Wagner pointed out that his words had been twisted.

Given all the shit that has been thrown in Wagner's direction this week I'm guessing it will be Wagner and Katie in the bottom 2 and she will be saved yet again even if she blows the sing off. Her survival will only be short-lived though because once Wagner goes there will be no more joke acts left and the only act likely to end up in the bottom two with Katie is Mary. That would make for an interesting sing off.

Ashley has had another bad day losing to the Brummies. It looks like everything has gone tits up since Ray Wilkins was given the boot. There is a lot of pressure on the boss right now but if they decided to sack him who would take his place unless they can lure back Gus Hiddink. To make thing worse united beat Wigan with a little help from the ref.

What about dogs in need.

Cheryl has taken time off from dealing with her needy acts to do her bit for Children in Need. Whilst her appearance on the show was very impressive I would have been even more impressed if she had spent more time with me and Coco. Cheryl really does need to learn that charity begins at home.

Katie doesn't know why everyone hates her.

Katie has been blabby to the papers claiming that she doesn't know why she is so hated by the public. Well Katie let me help you out.
Firstly the public hate fakes.
Secondly you can't sing for toffee.
Thirdly your costumes are rubbish.
Fourthly you are still in the competition even though you keep ending up in the bottom two.
Fifthly you keep blabbing to the press.
Sixthly you are ultra annoying.

I could go on but life's to short. If you really want some advice one dog to another, get yourself booted off the show and try and get yourself in the jungle. A couple of bush tucker trials and the nation might start to warm to you.

Louis has been bitching about Cher again claiming she is miserable and stroppy, does he think he's the only person on the show who is allowed to be grumpy and throw tantrums. Lighten up Louis it's only a bloody TV talent show.

Get Wagner.

It looks like Simon is pulling out all the stops to try and ensure that Wagner ends up in the bottom two this week. Let's face it if Katie is in the sing off again Wagner is probably the only act left in the show who she beat in a sing off.  Simon has definitely gone nuclear by revealing that Wagner has been getting incapacity benefit while dancing and jigging about on the show. Most of the tabloids consider anyone who might be swinging the lead on benefits as scum so they are bound to give him a hard time especially has he is Brazilian.  A benefit scrounger and a foreigner!

Why is Cheryl still getting flak

It would appear that whatever Cheryl does these days she cops for flak. On Sunday all the Cheryl did was support her act and she got booed for her efforts. Don't the public realise that Cheryl is just a small cog in the X-factor machine. Like everybody else on the show she takes all her orders from Simon.

Another murky Monday.

Katie may have survived but the X-factor has taken another bashing today in the papers and on the web with everyone now claiming the show is fixed.  No one seems to believe that Katie has gone from rock bottom of the voting last week to only second to rock bottom this week.  There are also various stories about the judges squabbling with each other after the show. It certainly doesn't look very pretty or very dignified from where I'm sitting.

As I was walking round the park today all I kept hearing were the words 'X-factor, fix and crap.' surely these are not the kind of thing that Sir Simon would want to hear said of his show.  At one point it got so bad I started to pretend I wasn't really a celebrity pooch. I think I might need to change my name by deed poll or start wearing a mini Burka so that people don't recognise me as Cheryl's dog. It's OK for Cheryl if the shit hit's the fan after the final she can hot foot it off to LA leaving me behind to take all the flak.

OMG

What the F*ck has Cheryl done to her hair tonight? She looks like the Princess in Star wars.

How the F*ck did the weasal survive yet again?  I really felt she was going this week especially has it was her third time in the bottom two. Given she was miles behind everyone last week in the voting how has she managed to overtake Aiden this week? I think Simon and Cheryl must have set up a call centre in India where 5 year old kids are paid 5p a day to cast votes for Katie.  I'm sure that Simon must know the result of the phone poll before he makes his judgement on who to save.  Simon never likes to be seen backing a loser so he would only back an act if he knows thy are already safe. When wll Simon finally get the message that no on likes Katie.

Ash had a stinker of a day losing to Sunderland and gifting them a third goal with a stupid back pass.  After the game he claimed hewas injured so he could skip the France game.

Elton Bloody John!

Jesus, which one of Simon's merry helpers decided to have an Elton John night? What a waste of space. None of the acts left in the show could do any of Elton's songs justice especially as none of them can play the piano.  Katie was dreadful but Simon and Cheryl wouldn't have a bad word said about her, Louis has edged his bets this week by slagging Katie off but what will happen tomorrow if she is in the bottom two again? Perhaps some one in the production company has been armed with a rifle to shot one of the other contestants if Katie looks like losing or will Simon try and get Wagner deported just so Katie can survive another week.

Today's papers were full of tedious non-stories about the show including one story that suggests that Matt likes to get his oats 7 times a night! How stupid is that for a story no woman would shag a man with a beard seven times a night, just think of all the friction burns she would have on her thighs. Katie has supposedly had another blazing row with Cheryl, Wagner has been pestering grannies and one of the lads in the boyband has been using his 15 mintutes of fame to get his legover. Have we really got another 6 weeks of this to go?

Do they really need a fifth judge?

Simon and the rest of his goons have put their thinking caps on and decided that the best way to avoid a repeat of last Sunday's fiasco is to bring in a fifth judge. What is the point of that? Any new judge would be well and truly in Simon's pocket so they would still finish up letting rubbish acts stay on the show. Why not just stop the judges from voting and leave it all to the public? Members of the public spend a lot of cash registering their votes so why not let the public say who stays and who goes and then you will avoid any new fiascos and end all the talk of fixes. Simples.

God it's been windy today at one point when I was down at the part I thought I was about to become a kite flying in the air at the end of my lead. All the dogs at the park were pretty wild today so there was no chance of getting a quick jump. 

Now Dermot is getting it in the neck.

Simon is not a happy bunny and he is blaming all his woes on poor old Dermot. He is spitting feathers because Dermot blabbed about Sunday's farce on the X-factor.  I'm sure Simon would love to sack him but could you just imagine the can of worms that would open. Dermot knows where too many bodies are buried. If Dermot suddenly found he had some spare time on his hands I'm sure he could soon knock up a very juicy autobiography that wouldn't make pleaseant reading for Simon.

I'm not sure what's going on at the Bridge with Ray making a sudden exit today. It's probably just the Godfather clearing the way to bring in one of his own people as his number two. The only other possible explanation is that Romam is starting to cut back his spending at the club. That would be bad knews for Ash given he's one of the big earners and one of the older players. He could be next out of the door.

Dermot finally spills the beans.

Looks like Dermot has found his moral compass, he has told the papers that Sunday nights fiasco was all rehearsed and that if it had gone to deadlock Katie would have been well and truly stuffed. Despite his admission thousands of fans are still blaming Cheryl and calling for her to be sacked. I reckon Simon has been stoking up all the anti-Cheryl stuff to try and convince her that it is time to leave Britain and head for the states.  He probably thinks if she stays here long enough she might get back together with Ash. That would well and truly piss Simon off.

Katie is busy preparing for the weekend but I really can't see why she should bother the public clearly don't like her and short of one of the other acts dropping dead on stage she will get booted off on Sunday. She should just enjoy herself and make the most of it, this time next year she could well be in the Jungle with Ant and Dec.

All the papers have rushed to print pictures of Cheryl getting a custard pie pushed in her face by a young fan. They all claim it's retribution for her behaviour on Sunday but they all know that she was actually just doing it for charity. But then when did good news ever sell newspapers?

Chezza is still in the eye of the storm.

Following Sunday nights fiasco Cheryl still seems to be copping for all the flak even though it was Dermot who screwed up by putting her in an awkward position. Why is no-one calling for his head on a plate? As usual the Daily Mail is punching below the belt by bringing Cheryl's wages into it.  They argue that she is paid nearly £2m a year to make difficult decision and not to shirk her responsibilities. She's actually paid that money because she's worth it. Millions of people watch the show just to see the Geordie goddess. How many would tune in each week if they brought back Sharon or that silly mare Geri.   Cheryl speaks from the heart and tells the truth if people don't like it they can get stuffed.

When the sh*t hits the fan.

After last nights voting fiasco Cheryl has spent most of the day in the firing line even though it wasn't really her fault. All the papers are screaming 'FIX', TreyC is saying it was all so unfair, and the puppet master himself is rubbing his hands thinking of all the extra revenue he is making.  If Simon as any kind of gent he would be rushing to Cheryl's defence, even Dermot could make a public apology for making Cheryl look like a tit but I can't see him being man enough to do that. 

About the only good news today is that Katie has gone a full day without having a meltdown, how the heck has she managed that? All the fix stories have pushed even more hacked off fans into the Wagner camp. Can you imagine what will happen next week if Wagner and Katie finish up in the bottom 2? Louis would have to back Wagner because he's one of his acts, having rejected Katie this week Dannii would have to do the same again next week, Cheryl would go with her girl leaving Simon to back Wagner and alow for deadlock.

I got to spend some rare quality time Cheryl today, it's amzing how she comes running to me when things start to get really tough. She must see me as a soothing influence. May be she could take me to the show next week so I could make the casting vote.

What the heck has she done now.

As I predicted earlier in the week two o Cheryl's acts finished up in the bottom two so what did she go and do? She refused to send either act home and Simon and Louis voted to keep Katie. What a stitch up! How can Simon keep saying that Katie would be the more succesful act when she has been in the bottom two on three ocassions now.  All the fans and newspapers are all crying fix and hopefully OFCOM will now intervene and force the show to publish voting figures.  The only fair way of dealing with tonights situation would have been to have gone to dead-lock and let the public decide.  Simon clearly didn't ant that to happen I wonder why?

Ash had a bad day today with Cheslea being beaten by the scouse mob. Why do the scousers always play well against Chelsea even when they are playing rubbish against everyone else? I think Torres only put on a show hoping that the big chief would put his hand in his pocket and buy him.

The blame game.

Looks like Simon has been busy exploiting Cheryl's trip to LA to gain extra publicity for the X-factor. The story doing the rounds is that while Cheryl was away all her acts were at each others throats. There's no evidence to back up the story but who cares? Most tabloid readers are more than happy to lap up these stories whether they are true or not.

Tonight's show was just as poor as last week Matt was the only act to do himself justice whilst most of the other acts just looked bored and fed up with the whole thing. Louis and Simon staged a row but even they struggled to muster up much enthusiasm. Arguing over whether or not  'Kids in a America' is an American anthem really does smack of scraping the barrel. Most of the acts were bad  but I think it will be Mary plus one of Cheryl's acts in thesing off. If Katie goes we will get the rant of all rants about how Cheryl has  neglected her so the judges will send home Mary just to keep the peace and save face.

Copy Cats?

Cher has been photographed wearing a track suit and the papers say that she is copying Cheryl's style. Since when was wearing a tracksuit considered being stylish? Millions of people wear tracksuits every day before they get around to getting dressed properly. The only fashion statement it makes is that the wearer can't be arsed to put anything else yet.

Looks like Cheryl's whistlestop trip to LA was more to do with business than pleasure. As well as meeting Derek she was busy negotiating a £6m record deal in the states. I can't blame her for heading off to the states rather than spending more time than necessary with her four acts and bolshie Brian.

Who's a busy girl then?

On Monday Cheryl took a day off from working with her acts so she could do a bit of advertising work and now she's swanned off over to LA to see Derek.  Who exactly running the show while madam is out enjoying herself. No wonder Katie and Cher are always having meltdowns if their mentor is never around to help them. Perhaps she's left it all to Brian this week, he seems to think he's the brains behind the operation any way.

After spending the last three weeks claiming she was about to quit the show Katie has now turned round and told her parents she has no intentions of quitting. Of course she's got to tell her parents that after spending most of her life sponging off her parents to fund her singing career. Hopefully come Sunday she won't have much say in the matter if she gets given the boot. Simon really should arrange for two acts to get kicked off this week to try and get rid of some of the deadwood.

Talking of deadwood when is it going to stop pissing it down with rain so I can get down to the park and get some action. I ant to get a few more shags in before the cold weather arrives and my dick shrivels away to nothing.

Ash got in a spot of bother after the Chelsea match after a few of his mates had a fight outside a club. He really should take a bit more care over the kind of people he hangs around with, there are loads of people out there who would love to have a pop at him just to improve their street cred.

Has Simon given up on X-factor?

While I realise he can't be as busy as the other judges now that he has only got one act left, even so he seems to spending more and more times on other projects rather than giving 100% commitment to X-factor.  Last night he had a meeting with George Michael and Jonathan Ross to discuss how he could revive their careers. May be he's planning to bring back Wham with Ross taking the place of Andrew Ridgely, whilst this would have a cetain novelty item about it Ross would probably struggle with a lot of Wham's old songs. Will the public really buy a record with Ross singing about Fweedom?  He certainly seems keener to work with thse two old foggies rather than working with his non-descript boyband.

After all the recent talf of Cher and Katie heading for meltdowns today the big story is that they've buried the hatchet and they are now best friends helping each other to cope with all the stress of miming on stage to a backing track. We will have to see how long that friendship last then. I'll give it until Sunday.

Ashley had a good night tonight helping Chelsea stuff the Russian's 4-1.

Simon Pulling the strings again.

Mr.C is apparently going round encouraging the girls to do plenty of crying in front of the camera because he thinks it's good for viewing figures.  May be he should get the people in the front row of the audience to bring along chopped onions to ensure there are plenty of tears on stage. Surely we can't be in for 8 more weeks od sobbing can we. If the stage gets any wetter it could easily collapse especially if Wagner and Mary start doing a vigorous dance on stage.  Talking of Mary, she is talking about having a gastric band fitted to try and lose weight. So unlike Simon she may well have a band at the end of the show.

It must be Tuesday beacuse there are even more stories about how vulnerable Cher is feeling. The production crew claimg they have to tiptoe around her because she is mentally fragile. If these stories are true then Simon should do the right thing and kick her off the show, if the stories are a pack of lies then Simon should issue a denial everytime that the rumours start circulating. Yesterday her uncle was in the paper claiming she was bullied at school because she used to live in a caravan. What's wrong with living in a caravan? It sounds just the right vehicle for Cher's talent.

Louis has taken a dislike to Cher because of some of the faces she pulls hen she is on stage, talk about the kettle calling the pot black!

Cheryl's busy day off.

Cheryl is taking a day off from X-factor today after all the emotions and high drama of last night. She spent hours on the phone to Katie telling her everything will be OK next week, then she spoke to all the other girls giving them advice.  Surely she must know anytime soon she is going two of her acts in the bottom two and them she will have a tough decision to make. If Katie ever lands in the bottom 2 again Cheryl will have no alternative but to put her out of her misery and send her home.

How did Katie Survive again?

I got very excited at one point this evening when it looked as though flakey Katie was about to get booted off X-factor and then tha stupid Dannii voted to save her, what was she think of? Katie is even a worse singer than Dannii which is really saying something.  Surely if she ends up in the bottom 2 again the judges must realise that the writng is on the wall and ditch her.  Tonights sing off proved what I've said all a long, if you can't handle one song without crying a career in music is probably not for you pet.

Dannii and Cheryl snubbed JK when he sang on the results sow tonight after he gave an interview in which he used some choice words to describe how lacking in talent he thought the pair were.  If he hates the show so much why was he so keen to appear on it? He must be desperate to sell loads of records so he can buy a few new cars and hats.

Cheryl managed to get to the top of the charts even though her performance on last weeks show was panned because she mimed.

If we have another bloody trick or treater knocking on the door I will sink my teeth into them.

Matt Speaks for us all.

Matt has spoken for us all when he told Katie to get out of his face. She really must be one of the most annoying acts ever to appear on the show. She has no real talent but plenty of attitude. She's good at manipulating the media but can't sing for toffee.

The Chelsea boys left it late today, but a win is a win. If you can win while playing rubbish it all bodes well for another league title. United snatched a win as well but their second goal looked well dodgy.

I did start watching X-factor tonight but gave up at the second interval because some of the acts were so dire. I also got annoyed with Simon when he said he was used to working with dummies.  He's also the only person I know who starts a sentence with the word 'Look' 

Another day another meltdown.

As the X-factor continues to drag on yet another contestant is accused of having a meltdown. Today it was Cher grabbing the headlines for her bizarre behaviour. Surely if Cher is struggling with the pressure of singing one song a week how will she cope doing ninety minutes a night seven days a week.

Katie wakes up and smells the coffee.

Apparently Katie is not happy because everyone hates her. Didums, didums, didums. What does she expect she is probably one of the most irritating contestants ever to make it through to the live TV stage, but sadly for her she also lacks talent. If she did have an ounce of talent some of her prima donna behaviour could be ignored but she is all image and no substance so if people hate the imaged she's screwed. Luckily for her there are still several other bad acts still in the show so she might just survive a few more weeks.

Simon was caught having a fag outside a restaurant with Jeremy Clarkeson, how come a newpaper snapper can catch these two but terrorists never seem to manage it?

Is Cheryl the mystery celeb?

Several papers have run a story about a anonymous singer who was being blackmailed by a burgular who broke into their house and stole two lap-tops with some naughty photos on. The papers are not allowed to identify the singer but they do give quite a few clues. They mention that the singer was in the house with another relative who was sleeping in a separate bedroom. That could easily be Cheryl and her mum. They also say two computers were stolen and Cheryl did appear to lose a couple of computers earlier in the year because I had trouble finding a lap-top to write my blog on.  The only bit of the jigsaw missing is that there is no indication about who else was in the pictures and why they were worth so much money. I'm sure this will all come out in good time.

An Internet campaign has been launched to try and help Wagner to win X-factor, the misguided souls running the campaign hope that helping the hopeless Brazilian cooner to win will really piss off Simon Cowell. Knoing Simon though he will turn this to his advantage because if Wagner does win Simon will force him to wear a pink padded suit and  re-release the 'Blobby' song to try and win the Christmas number one slot.

Now Nadine sticks in the knife.

After many papers slated Cheryl yesterday, today one of her backing singers Nadine has come out and stuck the knife in claiming that she would never mime on X-factor. Well that's easy for her to say because she will never be invited on the show in the first place. It looks as though she is just jumpimg onto the anti-Cheryl bandwagon for some cheap publicity.

The knives are out again for Cheryl.

Last nights X-factor show was meant to be Cheryl's big opportunity to flog her new single to a large TV audience but as usual it simply brought the back stabbers in their droves. In todays papers all the stories were abour Cheryl miming on stage. Do the idiots who write these articles really think that singers really sing on live shows? Of course everyone mimes on live TV. Imagine some one singing live and forgetting the words that would be career over. She may have been miming but at least she had recorded the song earlier so it was her own voice she was miming to.  If she wasn't allowed to mime she wouldn't be able to do all the dancing that the audience and TV viewers like to see.

Wagner managed to survive yet again, I think the public keep voting for him just to piss off Simon. Simon might eventually have to do what he did last year with Jedward and claim that he suddenly likes Wagner, the public would then drop him like a hot potato.  All Cheryl's acts just managed to survive but with all four singers competing forthe same fan base their votes will start to spread very thinly and one could easily go next week.

How much longer can this go on?

Just been watching last nights X-factor on Sky Plus, what total dross, out of all the performances last night there were probably about two worth watching, fortunately with the remote I was able to fast forward to the comments. Were the judges actually watching the same thing as the audience? They seemed to praise every one apart from Wagner who was actually the only really entertaining act all night.  They even praised Cher's singing even though she was miming all the way through. You can't do all that running around the stage singing without breaking in sweat or missing the odd note.  If she really is the future of British music they should hand out the razor blades now.

I can't believe how all the acts kept going on about their night out at Top Shop, anyone would think it was a big advertising feature for Simon's good mate Phillip Green. 

Pass me a violin!

Cheryl has yet again been opening up her heart to her beloved fans. Chezza is busy telling everybody who can be bothered to listen that this has been the worst year of her life. I'm sure that will earn her a great deal of sympathy from the thousands of people who have lost there jobs or homes this year.  OK she's had it a bit rough but she wll still end the year millions of pounds better off than when she started it, she will still be on the front of every magazine and she will still have a multi-million pound recording contract.

Some of Cheryl's acts seem to be taking a leaf out of her book in terms of self publicity. Flakey Katie collapse in Top Shop and when she came round blamed it on the fact that she was being over-worked. Katie if you really want to get in the papers for passing out at least find somewhere slightly more classier than Top Shop to do it in.  If she had keeled over in Harvey Nics at least she could have had a nice cup of coffee when she came around.

Cher says she is being picked on because some one has put a video on youtube claiming she was a bully. Whilst she keeps denying ever having been a bully the attitude she puts out on the show certainly suggest that she would be more than capable of bullying people to get her own way. 

How Greedy is that Wayne Rooney?

I know that Ashley has often been dubbed as being greedy after he quit Arsenal for Chelsea, but how bloody greedy is Rooney? He was already earning a fortune before he threw his mega strop but now Man U have offered to double is wages.  What is the point of that? What is he going to do with all his extra cash? It's not as though Colleen is going to let him go back to a casino anytime soon!

Cheryl has been sounding off again this time she has been telling Radio One that she doesn't understand men. Well that's not surprising given that she spends most of her time with Simon, Louis and Brian on X-factor and Derek and Will.Iam when she' not on X-factor.(four puffs and a rapper). She needs to meet some real men who now how to look after a woman.

Cheryl is also claiming we will see an all new Cher at the weekend singing a ballad, well I better make sure I have a sick bag at the ready.  About the only thing Cher is good at apart from gurning is dancing so if she cuts that out she will come a cropper.  Cheryl must be hoping to lose one of her acts soon because it must be bloody hard having to deal with four divas all the time.

Things are still getting to Wagner because now he's been pictured smoking wack backy. He clearly needs to relax more, he should come round and take me for a walk, that will help him chill.

Well Said Mr Wagner

The cold weather has clearly ruffled Wagner's feathers because he's been aving a good rant about X-factor in general and Cowell in particular claiming that Cowell stinks.  Why don't you tell us all something we don't already know.  You don't get to be as rich as Simon without treading on a few toes, pulling some fast-ones and basically robbing people blind.  The only problem Wagner will find now is that Cowell will ensure he gets a bad press for the next few days, the worst song to sing on Saturday and the worst slot to sing it in.  So basically Wagner has now shafted himself. But Cowell won't be too disappointed to get even more free publicity for the show.

I wish there were as many bitches in the park as there are in the X-factor house.

The promised cold weather duly arrived today and as a result I had a very frustrating visit to the park. There were almost no bitches there at all and most of them that did turn up were wearing silly dog coats which were really off-putting.  A combination of the cold weather and the horrible dog coats meant it was almost impossible for me to get an erection.  I did get a semi for a while but I decided it wasn't worth risking my reputation trying to have a shag if I couldn't guarantee to satisfy the lovely lady.

I think I should go to the X-factor house because there are clearly plenty of bitches in there.  Katie has so annoyed the other contestants that she has been labelled Katie Weasal,  Cher just seems to have an attitude problem with everybody and so of the other acts are more than capable of a bit of back stabbing. Luckily they have got Mary to calm  them all down but once she goes a civil war could break out.

Money for old rope

Simon Cowell is to get £100m from ITV for churning out the same drivel for the next few years. So all the talk about X-factor ending or Simon quitting was all just hype to push up the amount of money that ITV would eventually pay him. Surely their must be some original shows out there somewhere that don't exploit the vulnerable or torture the viewers.

It's all kicking off in the X-factor house with Wagner walking out because he can't stand the tension. Cher and Katie are fighting like cats and dogs inside the house but then come out and pose for the snappers pretending the best of friends.  Can you image trying to fit all those bulging egos into such a relatively small house.

Contestants are also moaning because they only get £30 a week spending money. I can't see what they are complaining about they dn't pay rent and all there food and clothing is paid for so all the cash is for is to buy a few fags and a couple of coffees if they ever dare venture out of the house.

The peasants are revolting

After being eliminated from X-factor last night Storm and Dival Fever turned on their mentors. Storm claimed that Louis had given him the wrong look while Diva Fever blamed Simon for giving them the wrong song.  Louis clearly has little experience of working with any act over 30 so it is hardly surprising he screwed up with storm, I mean really what man would take fashion advice from a scruffy paddy?  As for Simon, he's great at exploiting talent one it has emerged but is track record of getting raw acts and making them a success is not much to write home about, he follows trends rather than sets trends.

Cheryl Still losing fashion wars.

Cheryl still appears to be losing in her fashion war with Dannii. Cheryl is too busy sticking her fingers in too many pies to concentrate on doing battle with Dannii.  Apart from being a mum, Dannii concentrates all her efforts on shining on the judges panel and so far she is giving a good account of herself.

Has the pantomime season started early.

After watching the first our of tonight's X-factor I'm beginning to think that the pantomime season has started early. Simon had ago at Cheryl over last weeks fake tan fiasco so she hit back having ago at his very white teeth. We also had the usual Louis baiting. We even had Cher on stage as the ugly sister.

Louis has been bitching in the papers again about Cheryl calling her 'trashy', is that really any kind of way to talk about a fellow judge?

Chelsea were firing blanks again today, good job the defence managed to keep a clean sheet.

Has Cheryl managed to clone herself.

Looking in the papers today you would think that Cheryl had successfully managed to clone herself. One paper has her turning up to work with red hair trying to sell some new hair product or other, she has done an interview with Piers Moron in which she claims she was 24 hours away from dying and that she still loves Ashley, and there are still lots of pictures of her new album cover splashed obver the papers.

Cheryl has also got a mention in the papers courtesy of Graham Norton who reckons her recent illness has damaged her brain causing her to pick such bad acts this year. Trust him to be doig Louis dirty work for him. Have all the Irish Lephercorns decided to gang up on Cheryl all of a sudden. Next it will be Terry Wogan wading in with a load of anti-Cheryl twaddle.

Cheryl's acts have been busy trying to raise their profiles prior to Saturday's show. Katie is telling everyone she wants to be famous and become an Icon. Given the way she managed to trick her ay into the final 12 surely she means i con. Cher is claiming that under her tough exterior she is very fragile, well we would never have guessed that and even Trayc has even managed to cobble together a little sob story designed to pull in a few extra votes.  Simon really needs to bring in some better PR executives to polish up the publicity for the show because the current lot are a bunch of amateurs.

When will Cheryl move on.

Despite having divorced Ashley, Cheryl still doesn't appear to have moved on in her life. She has kept his surname and she continues to live in his house. Now she has made a record that is being touted as an attack on Ash, one of the lines says 'I've sold all the diamonds and burned all your clothes'. Well if she has I can't say I've noticed. The only person mental enough to burn his clothes is probably the Mother-in-law, and could you really imagine Cheryl going to the pawn brokers to flog some diamonds?  She really just needs to move on and forget about him.

Let the sob stories commence.

One of Cheryl's X-factor acts has been complaining that she has been bullied in the X-factor house and has even considered quitting the show because of the bullying.  What a surprise a few days after nearly being voted off the show Katie is already starting to work on her sob stories to try and gain a few extra votes. If she is not after the sympathy vote may be it could just be her attempt at being allowed to live away from the hussle and bustle of the house. If I was her I'd be keen to get away from the other nut jobs as well.

Cher has also been having a good moan about the costumes she is being made to wear on the show. Apparently she threw a hissy fit on Saturday because she didn't want to be dressed like a cheap whore.  She needs to ask herself if she would have got through if she had not been tarted up? Her singing or should I say her miming was poor so she needs to rely on her looks and clothes to carry her through. I could probably understand her grievances more if she had not allowed herself to be phtographed wearing a cardigan that wouldn't look out of place on Starsky and Hutch.

I think Cheryl's acts are clearly learning the tricks of the trade very quickly, Cheryl is obviously teaching them well.

Following England's piss poor performance has seen more calls for Fabio to get the boot, sadly I don't think England can't afford to sack him, and he's in no rush to leave because when he returns home he will have the taxman knocking on his door about money he has earned in previous jobs.  The good news for Chelsea is that Rooney is clearly still out of sorts and Frank Lampard and John Terry both missed the match so they should be fit for the weekend.

The X-factor publicity machine keeps chugging along.

With the first lot of elimination now in the distant past Simon is now having to work overtime keeping X-factor in the headlines. There seem to have been plenty of leaks flying around to keep the papers interested.
Louis and Cheryl are meant to be at each others throats with Louis telling Cheryl that she is more interested in promoting herself rather than helping her acts. That man can be so bitchy at times.

We have also had the usual stories about contestants hooking up together. Todays unlikely couple are Katie and Storm.  I suppose a love story suits both of them it makes Katie look more human and Storm can pretend he's ten years younger than he actually is.

Dannii has also revealed that she wants to bury the hatchet with Sharon Osbourne, lets just hope it's a very sharp hatchet.

There is also a story in the papers claiming that thousands of women have got a secret crush on Simon I don't know what do all these women see in a multi-millionaire pop mogul with luxury houses and yachts all over the world.

Away from X-factor, England's game with Montenegro proved to be a real letdown finishing as a 0-0 draw. At least Ash picked up the record for the most caps by a left-back. Just a shame he couldn't get the ball in the net.

Fashion Wars

This years X-factor is clearly a non-event because most of the papers are more interested in what Cheryl and Dannii are wearing rather than if any of the acts in the contest have got any real talent. Most of the journalists seem to think that Dannii has got the edge in the fashion stakes so far. Well that should not really come as any surprise should it.  Let's face facts Cheryl is younger and better looking than Dannii so therefore Dannii has to put more of an effort in on the fashion front just to keep up.  Cheryl has had a nightmare over the last week with all the negative publicity so it's hardly surprising that she has not being paying as much atention to the clothes she wears.  She also seems to have overdone the fake tan a little which just makes her look cheap.

The decision to save Katie has gone down like a lead balloon with the public, everyone apart from the three judges who saved her can tell she's all image and no substance.  If you really are going to mime all the way through a song you should at least open your eyes whilst singing.  One of the boys was told singing with your eyes closed is a big no no, but that rule doesn't seem to apply to Katie.

What a Marathon

Finally watched X-factor on Sky Plus, even with Cheryl fast forwarding through the adverts it still lasted nearly two hours, Cheryl kept moaning about how bad her fake tan looked on TV I don't know why she didn't just alter the colouring on the screen to make it look better.

Of all the 16 acts I really can't spot an obvious winner, may be once all the dead wood has gone a favourite will emerge. I can't see any of Cheryl's acts winning because they are one trick ponies. Cher didn't appear to sing at all last night because she was concentrating so much on the dancing that she kept forgetting to mime the words, Katie was OK but it was a piss easy song. Wagner looks like a real nut job but e is lacking in versatility. Mary is a crowd pleaser but is probably too old and too fat to cut the mustard as a pop star. I still think Simon wants a band to win so the rest are just there to make up the number.

I can't believe so of the stupid comments made last night, especially when he kept bemoaning how bland and predictable the pop business had become, I wonder whose fault that is then. He also tried to make out that none of the stories in the papers had anything to do with him. Yes, that's right. This is the man who has Max Clifford on speed dial.  

Simon calls in the fourth emergency service.

With the Gamu story going into overdrive Simon has let it be known that he's got his top lawyers helping to keep her in the country.  Given that we are currently not sending any one back to Zimbabwe at the moment I can't really see why he needs so many lawyers to fight the case. I think even I could win that case.

I don't know if I will be able to sit through all two and a half hours of X-factor tonight I think I might watch it on Sky Plus tommorrow so I can fast forward through all the rubbish acts and all Simon's stupid comments. In fact if I cut through all the crap I could probably watch the entire show in 10 minutes.

And on it goes

Five days and counting and the Gamu story is still rumbling on.  Cheryl is still trying to claim that she's been stitched up and she is demanding that the shows bosses make a statement at the start of Saturday's name to clear her name. That's never likely to happen because that would require Simon to admit that he's the puppet master pulling all the strings.

The blame game.

Four days after the controversy began the blame game has begun. Cheryl is still claiming that she was only following orders when she sent Gamu home but Simon is trying to make out it is all Cheryl's doing. What kind of cad would drop a girl in it just like that.  Simon has clearly seen all the protests that are now surrouding Cheryl ans has decided he want's to stay well away from it.

The house has become like a fortress and Cheryl is planning to get even more security. She's become so spooked by it all that she is even thinking of walking away. In many ways walking would be the best thing to do especially if she could make out she is making a principled stand. The only slight problem with that approach is that it will make it extremely hard for her to get the X-factor job in the USA but that wouldn't be a bad thing. She could try something new like Dancing with the Stars, after a bit of success on there breaking into the America music market would be a doddle.

Hopefully there will be less media outside tomorrow and I'll finally make it down to the park for some fun and games with the local bitches who all want a piece of me. 

Now things are getting out of hand.

Looking at the front of today's papers it clear that the X-factor saga is now getting out of hand, according to 'The Sun' Cheryl is now getting death threats and 'The Star' says even David Cameron has become involved begging for a second chance for Gamu. Do none of these idiots realise that this is just a TV show! Nobody will die if they don't win the show, everyone who appeared on last weekends shows has got a good chance of a career in music even if they didn't make the last 12.


It does worry me that with all the talk of death threats Cheryl might trade me in for a tough guard dog.

I can't believe Cheryl has been daft enough to be photographed visiting the home of one of the singers she rejected on Sunday. Apparently it was all part of Simon's master plan to bring back some of the rejected acts to gain a bit of publicity.  All it actually did was to give some fool the chance to spray graffitti on Cheryl's car.

I'm seriously starting to think Simon is stirring all this shit up to persuade Cheryl she needs to move to LA as part of his master plan for world domination.

The plot thickens.

Following the backlash that Cheryl received after Sunday's show, Simon has been busy to day inventing various excuses to get Cheryl off the hook. Yesterday we were told that Gamu might get back into the show via a wild card. But today the story changed again with Simon's spin doctors claiming that Gamu could not be allowed through to the live shows because of concerns about her visa.  Surely exes on the show knew about this before she was picked to go to the judges house so why as she allowed to go to te judges house? Any contestant could drop out of the show at any time for a whole host of reasons so why would letting her through be such a risk. Cher could easy fold at the drop of a hat do to her mental and physical fragility. So what would happen if someone did fall out in the next few weeks? A wild card could be brought in at any time. If extra acts are going to be brought back anyway there are either going to be double eliminations some weeks or more acts are still going to be around for the final show.

 

Has Simon stitched up Cheryl

Cheryl has really been hammered in the papers today and on the Internet. It seems that thousands of people have objected to some of Cheryl's X-factor picks.  I can't really believe that she made her picks without some guidance from Simon, but where is he when Cheryl is getting all the flack?  Cheryl hardly got to see the acts so she had to rely on watching videos and listening to other judges.

Simon must be loving all the publicity and he has fanned the flames by suggesting there could be a twisted on Saurday with some of the rejected acts getting a second chance. That sounds like a bad idea to me especially if the acts come back and get rejected again very quickly. May be Simon has found out somethig about of the acts so he wants to change things around quickly before someone lets the cat out of the bag.

Kylie has told Dannii to end her feud with Sharon but I can't see her doing that before she has sold a few more copies of her book. And why should Dannii end the feud when she didn't start it in the first place.

Get those hankies out.

Cheryl is on X-factor at the moment deciding which three acts to keep and which five to send home.  It's a competition to see who is crying the most Cheryl or the girls. She keeps telling them that she is being brutally honest but what she really means is she has been told who to pick by Simon. Why does she keep picking quirky rather than concentrating on real talent. Simon has clearly decided that he doesn't want a girl winner this year so he's going for quirky girls to pull in the viewers.

Two hours of my life I will never get back.

Against my better judgement I sat down to watch Chezza on X-factor. Why, o why did I bother. It really was pants. The part when the acts tried to guess who their mentor might be was ludicrous. If you are flown all the way to Australia surely it's bloody obvious who you are going to be working with. Similarly given that only one of the judges is Irish a plane ticket to Ireland could only mean one thing. The girls must have been gutted though finishing up in Ascot!

In terms of performance only a handful of the acts have got any chance of winning, they should just send the rest home now and have done with it. Several of the acts couldn't even remember the words to the songs, while several of the girls thought having a good cry might help their chances. I'm sure Simon has come up with a list of 12 acts that will pull in the widest possible audience and get most coverage in the press.

Is there more than one Cheryl?

Looking at all the papers you could easily believe that Cheryl has been cloned, she seems to be everywhere at the moment, selling jewellery, signing books, giving interviews as well as working on X-factor. If she could be wired up to te national grid she would produce enough energy to power a small village.

Sharon is back in town and don't we know it. While praising X-Factor and most of the people on the show she managed to stick the boot into Dannii.  How pathetic is she having ago at a woman who has just had a baby.  She obviously thinks she needs to raise her profile because most people over here seem to have forgotten who she is.  I'm sure that once she is back on the box people will soon remember who she is and take an instant dislike to her once again.

Allan Sugar has even started to do some bitching claiming that his show is better tha Simon's. In the words of Harry Hill who's the best lets have a fight.

Poor Old Face Ache.

Simon is not a happy chappy at present because some one has leaked the names of the 12 people who have made it through to the live shows. Given that he usually likes to control every last thing that happens on the show losing control must be very tough on him. If viewers know in advance who is in and who is out all the amateur dramatics at the judges houses because fairly meaningless. But really in the age of Facebook, Twitter and blogging it is very hard to see how anything can really stay a secret for very long unless you lock all the contestants away in a cave for the next couple of months.  

Chezza has been busy today flogging diamonds with a couple of her backing singers, apparently the three of them picked up nearly quarter of a million for a couple of hours of standing around looking pretty. It's nice work if you can get it.  I wonder how long I will have to wait for my diamond encrusted dog collar?

Why bring back Sharon?

Just when I was starting to look forward to watching X-factor at the weekend I discover that Louis has brought back Sharon to help him pick is three acts for the final.  Why would he want to bring back that old bag? She's not got a clue about the music industry in this country or what the British public want. I could do a better job that Sharon, and I'm prettier. The only possible reason I can think why Louis would want her sitting next to him is that she will make him look a lot younger than he actually is.

Working with Sharon has clearly rubbed off on Louis because he has started bitching about Dannii and Cheryl. He has made it clear that Dannii is an acquaintance rather than a friend. And he reckon's he's been given the job of handling the over 25's because the two girls couldn't handle the job.  What drivel! How many times has Louis managed to mentor a winning act? The only thing he really knows anything about is boybands. He will lose this year like he has lost every other year.

Truly shocking

I can't believe that a dog managed to get itself electrecuted just peeing on a lampost. I've been taking leaks on lamposts for years and never even had a bit of static.  It must have either been a very big waz or a dodgy lampost.

Chelsea had a good win in Europe, I really have a feeling in my water that Chelsea could finally win the European Cup this year, they will certainly do better than Man U, especially with Shrek injured and Scoles and Giggs starting to look very old all of a sudden. I tink Man U will have to settle for the League Cup this year.

With a big X-factor weekend the Cowell publicity machine will go into overdrive in the next couple of days.
Cheryl and Dannii are also pushing books so it's going to be all go on the publicity front.

Poor old Becks

What has become of golden balls that he is having to use a $25m writ just to keep a hooker quiet? He says all her claims are rubbish so why not just ignore her.  I'm guessing that she doesn't have $25m or else she would not be selling her body. Beck's should just get her to appear on the Jeremy Kyle show so they can both take a lie detector job.  I'm really struggling to think at the moment of one England footballer who is squeaky clean at the moment.

After looking at all the acts left in X-factor I'm struggling to spot an out and out winner. Simon is desperate for a girlband to win but none of the girl bands really look that strong. Some of the individual girls sound good but after girls have won 2 of last 3 series I don't think Simon needs another female soloists. I will have to wait until they are down to the last 12 before making a prediction bit it's not going to be easy.

Chelsea have got plenty of injuries at the moment so As is going to have to play out of his socks for the next three games until Frank and the other guys are ready to make a comeback. 

When will I be out on the street?

According to Fleet Streets finest, Ashley has been consulting with his lawyers to get Cheryl booted out of the house. Given how little time she actually spends in the place I'm surprised she is even putting up a fight. But if Cheryl is forced to sling her hook wat will happens to me. Will I be kept on as one of the fixtures and fittings or will I be forced to move to Newcastle to live with her mum?

I can't say I'm too keen to move up north because it's too bloody cold up there in the winter. The cold really messes up my sex life because shagging al fresco isn't really an option when you willy shrinks away to nothing.  I've enjoyed a few oudoor adventures up there in he Summer but I know how demanding those Northern bitches can be. The first time I fail to deiver they will never let me live it down.

Chelsea had a bad day yesterday losing to Man City with that ugly Argentinian striker grabbing the only goal. Luckily Arsenal and Spurs both slipped up so if United have a bad day at Bolton the damage will be fairly limited.

Who says I'm not interested.

Cheryl has blabbed to the papers that she stopped ringing me and Coco because we took no notice of her calls.  How the hell does she know if we took any notice or not unless her mum told her. The truth is we loved listening to her voice on the phone the only probably was she had no understanding of time zones so she was always ringing in the middle of the night when we were asleep.

Stick to Dancing Derek.

Derek has allegedly been writing cheesy love songs for Cheryl. Presumably they must be songs that have lots of quavers in them! Lets face it he may be a good dancer that doesn't make him Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Cheryl has made it quite clear that she is going to pull out all the stops to win back the title of number one female judge on X-factor, she is worried that some of the stand in judges have done well and put her nose out of joint. Nicole in particular has had lots of good reviews so Cheryl is keen to steal back the iniative. In the new shows she is planning to wear tops that show off her tits and she is going to have a string of one-liners to show off her wit.

Cheryl selling stockings now.

First it was music and TV, then it was cosmetics and hair products now Cheryl is making a splash selling stockings. Since Chezza started advertising tights and stockings sales have sored. I'm not if this is to do entirely with fashion and how much it is to do with the rise in the number of people turning to robbing banks to try and make ends meet.

Simon Cowell has been playing god again telling singers at boot camp that they are not to get into relationships with each other. What a plank he should concentrate on his own love life and keep his nose out of other peoples affairs.

The eagle has landed with Dannii arriving back in Britain to appear on X-factor but do we really need her? I thought the new government had changed the law so that people could only come to work in this country if there was no one else suitable to do the job already in the country. All the recent shows have proved that there are plenty of people better than Dannii at being a judge. They should send her back to OZ or find her a pantomime to appear in.

Lookaike my arse.

One of the favourites in his years X-factor is being described as a Cheryl lookalike. What a load of tosh just because Cher is fairly skinny and has long hair it doesn't make her a lookalike I think the word the papers are looking for is Wannabe, someone who goes to great lengths to look like  celeb but falls well short.

There's even more twaddle in the press today about 'Chloe the X-factor Hooker', a reporter from 'The Sun' went to great trouble filming her offering herself for sex. The only sight flaw in the exclusive story is that se admits herself that she has already been booted off the show so it is a total non-story aimed at titilating readers and cashing in on the X-factor brand.  I'm sure Simon won't complain the whole thing will drag in thousands of extra punters on Satuday which is all good news for Simon's ank balance.

I can't believe Chelsea have lost their first match of the sean to bloody Newcastle. I wonder if Cheryl text Ashley to gloat. 

His she or isn't she?

A friend of Derek has gone blabbing to the press saying that Derek and Cheryl are not an item and the whole relationship thing has been one big hoax.  I really wish Cheryl would settle this once and for all and say if they really are an item.  I really can't believe Cheryl would spend so much of her time jetting off to LA to see Derek unless they were doing the dirty.  May be Simon is planning some kind of publicity stunt where Derek proposes to Cheryl live on air. That would be a perfect way to boost X-factor ratings if viewing figures start to dip.

Allowing a hooker to get through to the next round seems to be generating the publicity that Simon wanted. A few of the papers reckon that she has been arrested 140 times by police for soliciting. His this really the kind of act that the show should be promoting?

I was appauled to see on the telly that a couple have thrown a dog out of the back of their car to dump it.  I can't believe how scum like that are allowed to own dogs. I hope these people are caught and thrown ehind bars for a long time.

Will Cheryl ever stop moaning

It would appear that Chezza is none too happy about the house for her acts. She was not impressed to find that the builders were still working on the place when she arrived and that they interupted performances by banging around and making lots of noise.  Sounds to me like she's fed up with X-factor and doesn't really want to be there. I think she would rather be relaxing next to a pool somewhere hot rather than stuck in a drafty house in England.

Will.Iam has flown in to assist her with her judge her acts but this will just get all the tongues wagging again especially if Derek is not on the scene. Cheryl is probably feeling the pressure this year after winning for the last two years. I'm sure Simon will pull out all the stops to stop her winning again. We can expect lots of stories in the paper showing Cheryl's acts in a bad light, and Simon his bound to ensure the themes each week will be harder for Cheryl's acts than anybody elses.

The weather was unexpectedly nice this afternoon so I managed to get down to the park for some dog on dog action.

Bring Back Chezza

Tried to watch X-factor again tonight but it really isn't the same without Chezza on the panel. Simon clearly realised this and used all kinds of gimmicks to try and bring a bit of life to the show, at one point they turned Louis into a black and white character to high-light how grumpy he was being. But too be honest given how poor some of the acts were I'm not surpised Louis was miserable.

Dannii Minogue appears to have opened up a can of worms with her latest book, all the stuff she has written about Sharon Osborne has clearly touched a raw nerve because Kelly has hit back slagging off Dannii. It really is a depressing  sight to watching two failed singers  having a slanging match over such a truly dismal book. I'm sure if Harry Hill was on the box at the moment he would be urging the pair of them to have a fight.

Book Wars.

Hold the front the page. Cheryl and Dannii are supposedly are war with each other again over who has produced the best book this year. Dannii's book is just a drab account of her life so far, whilst Cheryl has produced a book of pictures with Ashley airr-brushed out. They are competing for sales today but in 6 months time they will be competing for space in the discount book stores. After all that has been written about the par of them and all the pictures in the press do the public really need either of these books?

In the fifth installment of this years freak show a part-time hooker who tried and failed to sing three different songs was voted through to the next round despite little Louis stamping his feet and saying know. I wonder why Simon was so keen to vote through some one who has been grabbing so many headlines for the last few weeks. Simon clearly believes that all publicity is good publicity. If a hooker did win a X-factor they would just go from being shafted by lots of men to being screwed by just one man.

The will she stay or will she go saga continues, yesterday Cheryl was heading off to the US, but today she has come out and said she is not moving to America. I do wish she would make her mind up, it's just so unsettling for me not knowing who is going to look after me.

Posh Spice has admitted she dresses her dog like a little girl because she wants to have a little baby girl, I hope that Cheryl doesn't start doing the same when she starts craving a baby. I totally object to being dressed as a girl especially if I have to go out in public.

The gloves are finally off.

After keeping quiet through out the divorce case Ashley has found his voice again telling Cheryl to sling her hook from the house. I can't say that I blame her after all he bought the house when he was the main bread winner, Cheryl never uses the place and it's just around the corner from the Chelsea training ground. I've no doubt this whole dispute will now be fought out in the full glare of publicity. And I'm stuck in the middle of it all.


Rumours are abuzz that Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger is about to ink a multimillion-dollar deal to be a judge on  Cowells new American X Factor show.  I don't think Chezza will be pleased having to compete for attention with Nicole. I'm sure there will be a mad scramble to see who gets to sit next to Simon on the judging panel.

Simon finally gets his way with Cheryl!

After months of manipulating and manouvering Simon has finally got his way and Cheryl has agreed to go and join him on America's X-factor. It looks like in the end the chance to make an easy £3m patronising young American hopefuls, the promise of lots of sun-shine and the possibility of launching a solo career in the USA all proved too tempting.  The fact that her backing singers have now all gone their separate ways has probably helped her to reach her decision.

Whilst I'm clearly pleased to see that Cheryl is doing well for herself I can't help but worry about where this all leaves me. I hardly see her at all now so what are the chances of me getting to see her when she's in the States apart from using a web-cam or switching onto ITV3?  I've no doubt her mum will move in and make out like she owns the place ordering the staff around and behaving like lady muck. What a shame dogs can't have a say in who they get to live with. If I had a choice I'd pick Ashley every time rather than her mum. He may have been a naughty boy and he may sulk a bit at times but at least he used to take me out and buy me treats.

Is the tide starting to turn?

Over the last three or four years Cheryl has been the darling of the media and been taken to the nations heart, but slowly but surely Cheryl's star has started to fall. Whilst she has put in a lot of effort into her new single including dressing as a ballarina in the video several people who have heard the track have given it a luke warm reception. Could the public be tiring of Cheryl. She has been on the front of every magazine, splashed across the tabloids and staring out of every billboard.

Such overkill can backfire especially if the public feel they are being taken for granted. Watching Cheryl rushing over to the states at a drop of a hat is not helping her image. While people felt sorry for her when Ashley was caught doing the dirty on her, overtime the sympathy has started to wear thin with every interview she gives moaning about how tough life has been for her. The public just see a star with a big house, lots of money, a good looking bloke and lots of perks and don't see a lot of suffering.

Chelsea had a good win tonight even without Ashley playing. They are clearly resting him for bigger games.

That Derek seems a bit of a cheap skate to me.

According to the papers Cheryl has been over in LA having a romantic weekend with Derek but what I don't get is why she has to spend her hard earned cash and waste precious time flying over to the states when he could fly over to her. She is run off her feet trying to do two jobs at the same time while he is basically bumming around doing nothing. When she got to LA he took her to a posh restaurant but they spent all night talking so presumably that meant he didn't have to splash out much of his cash on food. What a cheap skate!

How much more money does Simon need?

It would appear that Simon's recent hints about walking away from X-factor has all been part of an elaborate poker game with ITV. It does appear to have paid off for money bags though because he has got ITV to make him an offer of £24m to stay with he channel. That you buy him plenty of 'T'shirts and sun-glasses.
Perhaps there should be a national campaign to raise £24m to pay him to bugger off to a desert island instead.

The X-factor producers didn't think Cheryl would be up to travelling abroad with her acts this year so they have found her a very big luxury house in Poole in Dorset. Whilst Cheryl is probably a bit miffed about having to stay in this country I'm hoping that this means I might be able to go a long and stay with her and assist her in sniffing out the acts that really stink. I'd love to spend time running a long on a Dorest beach chasing stones and sticks.

Are Girls Aloud about to split?

It's increasingly looking like Girls Aloud have reached Splitsville with Nadine saying that she has left the group. None of the others seem to be in a rush to get back together so Cheryl can fully concentrate on her solo career once she has escaped the clutches of X-facor. Talking of X-factor the show is starting to look like a marriage that is on it's last legs. Louis and Simon can't agree on anything and when the two do fall out over an act Cheryl seems to side with Simon rather than Louis. Whilst the guest judges have helped to break up the tension a little as soon as the guest judge goes and leaves Simon, Louis and Cheryl alone together they start to squabble again.

Running back to Derek

Cheryl has added more points to her airmiles account by flying back to LA to see Derek. For someone still recovering from Malaria she seems to be doing an awful lot od travelling.  I think she was hoping to get Derek to come over here and work with her in the X-factor house but programme bosses have told her that Derek is not really mentor material because he is a dancer rather than a singer. To make things worse the bosses have said they want Willl.Iam to work with her instead. That is bound to put pressure on her relationship with Derek. (Assuming she really is having a relationship with him.)

Simon also seems to be trying to put pressure on Cheryl by hinting that Katy Perry is more suited to be a judge on American X-factor than Cheryl. He seems to have changed his tune from last year when he was begging Cheryl to go to America.  I'm sure the two of them must have had some kind of falling out.

Tonights X-factor ws truly awful, most of the acts were poor but the show was made worse when they kept rejecting acts and then bringing them back. It was all clearly staged but such stunts make a mockery of the show.

Cheryl  has apparently sent a supporting message to Coleen, wife of love-rat Wayne Rooney - urging her to stay strong through her marriage woes, I wonder if she also recommended a good lawyer? The whole affair is good news for Chelsea because it caused Rooney to miss the match at Everton today and it cost United 2 points. Meanwhile Ashley and the boys had another stormer opening the gap even further at the top.

How can a celebrity be scared of photographers?

Cheryl  has admitted she is terrified about being photographed - in case she mistakenly displays her rude bits, now come on Cheryl your tits aren't that big, even if they ever did pop out of your dress no-one would ever notice. What she really nmeans is that she is scared of a photographer snapping a picture of her looking dog rough. Apparently tabloids now pay more money for pictures of celebrities looking rough than for pictures of the looking attractive. Members of the public it would seem can't believe that a celebrity would ever leave home without spending at least two hours putting on make up and brushing their hair.

Perhaps there should be one day every year when every celebrity refuses to wear make up for 24 hours. The papers could then get a picture of all the celebs looking rough and then they could leave them alone for a whlie.

Cheryl doesn't need a man?

The papers are now claiming that Cheryl is through with men for the time being because she doesn't need one. That's right!
Who will get rid of the big spiders in the bathroom?
Who will carry all her heavy shopping bags back to the car when she needs retail therapy?
Who will tell her if a dress makes her bum look big?
Who will shield her from the paparazzi?
Who will bring her breakfast in bed?
Who will get her a hanky during a weepy movie?
Who will explain the off-side rule to her?
Who will keep her wam in bed?
Who will put out the rubbish at night?
Who will cook met on the BBQ for her?

Just because she has  had one bad experience with a man doesn't mean that all men are bastards, and that she has to give them up for good.

Has Derek been dumped?

The news on the street suggests that Cheryl has given Derek the elbow because she wants so space. Now I'm not too sure about this because I never actually thought they were an item in the first place. I think he was just a safe bloke who she had around to prevent advances from other men. By cutting him adrift she is actually signalling to other blokes that she is back on he market again. It will be interesting to see how quickly Will.Iam comes sniffing around now he knows she is officially single again. I do think that Simon has warned her off of Will because he doesn't think the public would warm to them as a couple, having said that I don't think their is a man on this planet who would meet with Simon's approval at the moment.

Looks as though Piers Morgan is about to go annd makes lots more dosh in the US when he takes over from Larry King, if Simon and Cheryl go and live over in the states as well ITV will have no talent left at all they will just be left with Louis and Amanda! Heaven help us. I think I'll try and smuggle myself into the US in one of Cheryl's suitcases, she takes so many that they will never have time to check them all. I just need to take a few tablets to help me to sleep for 12 hours. 

Promises, promises.

Simon Cowell has been rushing round telling journalists that this may be the last series of X-factor and that he might be leaving BGT. Obviously this is not a new story because he allows the same rumour to start every year just to gather extra publicity, but just supposing he is telling the truth this time what would he do with himself. He claims that he will just do the US version of X-factor but that will only occupy him for four months of the year will he really spend the rest of the year out of the limelight?

The other problem with concentrating all his efforts in the US is that unlike in this country the gun laws in America are very relaxed. If he treats American's nutcases in the same way that he treats nutcases in Britain it will only be a matter of time before one of them takes a pot shot at him. Like in the US for Simon will require loads of body guards and a tight fitting bullet proof vest.

Just let it lie woman.

Just wen it looked like the divorce was over and done with Cheryl decides to give an interview to a magazine saying how much Ashley let her down. Until now the public have been on Chery's side but if she keeps whinging on about how bad things have been for her the public might start to turn against her. Despite all her woes she's made millions of pounds this year, she fly's round the world, stops in the best hotels and she has a good looking boyfriend.

Nadine has clearly had no joy getting a record deal so she's set up her own record company to produce an LP how desperate does that make her look? Next thing you know she's be appearing on BGT. When will se realise that she is a backing singer rather a solo act. When things go pear-shaped se will be begging the other girls to get back together to make a new album and go on tour.

Ashley is having a bit of bad luck at the moment, while he was away training with England, some low life broke into his flat and robbed him. What disgraceful behaviour robbining a footballer while he's serving queen and country. If I'd been in the flat I would have taken large chunks out of the thief.  

How long before I'm in the Battersea dogs home?

After Cheryl battled long and hard to get possession of me in the divorce courts she is now telling all and sundry that she is planning to move to LA. If she's planning to take me that will presumably involve me having to spend months and months in quarantine. By the time I'm allowed in the USA she may have gone off the idea of LA and moved back to England. If she doesn't take me then what will become of me. She won't let Ashley have me out of spite so I could end up having to live with her bloody mother. I can't see that lasting ong because at the first chance she gets her mum be on a plane to join Cheryl in LA leaving me behind with a housekeeper or shipped off to Battersea dogs home. I never thought that being a celebrity pooch coud become this difficult.

I'm not surprised Cheryl is so keen to move to America given the way in which X-factor is heading further down the hill. Last night a couple of foul mouthed chavs finished up hitting each other while Simon siled and rubbed his hands knowing that it would do wonders for the shows viewing figures.

Looks like Rooney has been caught out getting his legover with a hooker again. I've now lost count of the number of England players who have been caught playing away from home. That team must have been knackered even before they got to South Africa, many of them must have then lay awake at night worried about wat gossip would appear in the next days paper.