Could Ash return to Arsenal?

With Thierry Henry heading back to Arsenal could Ashley follow in his footsteps? The Arsenal fans hate him but I'm sure that if the money was right Ash would be interested. Whilst Chelsea have too many old players, Arsenal are crying out for players with experience.

What will Cheryl do in 2012

After a very low profile in 2011 what has next year got in store for Cheryl. You will know she has hit rock bottom if she ends up on some silly celebrity show like Big Brother or I'm a Celebrity. I suspect she will relaunch her singing career but with a slightly different style.

Time for musical Chairs at the Bridge?

With their title chances already down the pan is it time for AVB to pension off the old guard and replace them with some young guns. Ash could be off to the states along with Frank and John, Nicholas is off to China and anyone else over 25 needs to start looking for a new club.

Slow news day.

You know it must be a slow news day when there is a story in the paper about Cheryl taking a spare pair of flat shoes everywhere she goes. That's not bloody news it's simply Cheryl being practical.

Ash and the boys threw away more points on Monday only managing 1-1 draw with Fulham. It looks like the premiership is now heading to Manchester.

One more sleep til Christmas.

I can honestly say I feel like a dog with two dicks today. Christmas is just one sleep away. Hopefully I'll get something really special from Cheryl to make up for the fact that I've hardly seen her this year. I wonder if Ash will have sent me anything this year he usually sends me a gift just to try and compete with Cheryl for my affections.

Honours even

After a hard fought match Chelsea finished up drawing 1.1 with Spurs. Not a bad result all told and Ashley helped set up the Chelsea goal.

Terry in the Dock

Looks like Ashley may be teaming up with a new defender very soon with John Terry being with racial abuse. Isn't it funny how both a Chelsea player and a Liverpool player likely to miss a lot of matches this season. Any one would think the FA are trying to give a few favours to Manchester United.

Army wives shoot own Cowell

Simon Cowell's effort to grab the number one spot have been twarted by a choir made up of army wives.

What will I be getting for crimbo

I've been having a sniff around but so far I've not managed to find any clues about what I might be getting for Christmas. Either it's very well hidden or else it's not be bought yet. Cheryl's mum is a very canny shopper so she is probably waiting until the last minute to grab a real bargain. I'll be very disappointed if I end up with a plastic toy again even if it does resemble Simon Cowell!

Who needs equations?

Scientists at the University of Bristol have come up with a 'hit potential equation' that can predict how stars, such as Adele, could get a top five hit with 60% accuracy. You don't to bother with all this science stuff all you need to ask is 'Is Simon Cowell involved?'  If Simon backs a single you know it will get into the top ten because he makes sure all his records get maximum publicity by getting them in the papers or giving them a guest spot on X-factor.

Is Cheryl heading planning to enter strictly.

I've noticed that Cheryl's mum has been taping every episode of Strictly come Dancing for Cheryl. Could this mean Cheryl is planning on becoming a contestant next year? I'm sure she would love to take part in the show especially if it continues to beat X-factor in the ratings, she would dearly love to stick two finger up at Simon Cowell in front of over10 million viewers.

Time for a clear out.

Looks like the old guard are about to start existing Stamford Bridge. Anelka has already agreed to go to China, Drogba wants to go as well and Terry and Lampard could also be heading for pastures new. It will only be  a matter of time before the younger players start to refer to Ashley as grand-dad.

Has Cheryl got a toy boy?

Several papers claim that Cheryl is getting it together with a toy boy who is only 21? Sounds as though he's another dancer. Why does she keep falling for dancers? She needs a real man not a bloke who dances for a living.

Cheryl  has told a magazine that her style changes every day, some days she wants to dress like a "hippy" and other days a "spaceship" sounds like she has started early on the Christmas sherry.

Ashley in trouble again.

After keeping a low profile for a few months Ashley seems to be creeping back into the news again for all the wrong reasons. He's been accused of taunting Manchester City fans after Chelsea beat them on Monday. Surely a bit of Mickey taking is part and parcel in football so why are the City players making a big deal out of it. May be a lot of Ashley's taunts were a bit lost in translation given that City seems to have recruited players from every corner of the world. I'm sure that it will be no skin of Ashley's nose if he has managed to make a few extra enemies in the football world.

Think again Dermot

Dermot O'Leary reckons most men like him because he's not very tall and he's ordinary looking. How does he know that? Just because people don't go out of their way to slag him off doesn't mean that he is well liked. I think most men must look at him on TV and say 'I could do that. In fact they probably say 'I could do his job better than him and for a lot less money.'

Raise a glass to Sarah

One of Cheryl's former band mates has given an interview about her battle with booze. After coming out of rehab Sarah now wants everyone how hard it was to give up drinking. She could at least have waited until after Christmas before revealing all about her drink problem, the next 3 weeks is all about drinking so no one wants to read about people giving up drinking.

Little mix win it.

The writing is now on the wall for Girl's aloud with Little Mix storming it in the X-factor final.  Is the room in the charts for two girl bands anymore? Little Mix are younger and sexier that Girls Aloud so Cheryl and Co. will have to raise their game or throw in the towel.

Amelia's gone.

Amelia the come back kid has finally bitten the dust. Earlier this week there were claims that the show was fixed for her to win so it is probably just as well she got knocked out. She wasn't very special she just seemed different because she manage to dodge the first five shows of the televised shows. The remaining acts are fairly boring so I don't think I will waste any time tuning in tomorrow.

Pulling out all the stops

The X-factor production company are pulling out all the stops to generate some interest in Saturday's final but it largely seems to be falling on deaf ears.

X-factor Snub

X-factor producers were planning to attract a host of top stars to duet with the finalists but it looks like most of the top stars who were approached gave the idea the thumbs down. So there has been a quick rethink and now the finalists will sing with their mentors instead. Given the quality of the finalists this year the viewing figures are likely to be poor, I think I'll watch strictly instead.

Bad night for the Mancs

After Arsenal and Chelsea lead the way last night in Europe Man City and United stumbled tonight. United were undone by a second rate Swiss outfit and Man City got knocked out despite winning their match against Bayern Munich.

Who is Imelda Marcos

According to a number of papers Cheryl has become the new Imelda Marcos. It seems that Imelda had thousands of pairs of shoes just like Cheryl. I really don't know why Chezza is so obsessed with shoes because when I see her she usually only wears slippers or trainers. I really can't see how she has had time to buy 2000 pairs of shoes let alone wear them. She must have bought most of them over the Internet.

Ash and the boys had a good win tonight to ensure they sail through to the next round of the European Champions league, hopefully this means they have turned the corner and it will be win, win to the end of the season.

Tulisa says sorry.

After Misha B was voted out of X-factor Tulisa has finally apologized for branding her a bully. Shame it took her so long. Misha was the best singer in the competition but she has been ousted due to false rumours. The producers will have to pull out all the stops on Saturday to breath some life back into a competition that died on it's feet when Johnny was eliminated.  Surely the public won't be happy if Amelia wins the entire competition having managed to dodge five live shows. She is a fairly average singer and if she had performed every week people would have got bored with her by now.

Poor Misha

Sadly the only good singer left on X-factor has been booted off. After 6 weeks of bad publicity it should come as no surprise that she has finally gone. Next weeks final is probably going to be the weakest final that there has ever been in the shows history. None of the three finalist have got any chance of being an international hit. They might just manage to knock out a couple of albums if they are lucky but in two years time they will have disappeared without trace.

How dire.

Tonight's X-factor was probably one of the most dire of the series. At least two of the acts cocked up and the other two were lackluster. None of the acts have improved while being on the show and some even seem to be going backwards.  The judges must have realised by now that none of the remaining acts have got the X-factor and however hard they work they will never gain the X-factor because people are born with the X-factor it's not something that can be taught or acquired.

Simon throws a wobbler.

Looks like Simon isn't getting his own way on X-factor in America, he stormed off in a huff last night when one of the acts was booted off the show against Simon's wishes. In this country the judges did what they were told but in America it looks like the judges are more highly strung.

Poor Gary

Gary Barlow has been moaning that he's not enjoying being a judge on X-factor. What a hardship it must for him having to work a couple of nights a week on a £1m contract. May be if he had not booted out so many good acts the show might be more enjoyable for him and the viewers. Perhaps he's just getting his moans in now in the hope that Simon might offer him more dosh to to appear on next years show.

No fun in the park

I hate windy days because too much wind always messes up my love life. For some reason most dogs go wappy when the wind gets up and they prefer to chase their own tails rather than taking any interest in mine. The only bitch who was remotely seemed interest in sex was a foot taller than me so it was never going to happen. Hopefully I'll have more look tomorrow.

Ashley let down again.

Every time Ashley takes a night off the rest of the team slip up without him. How could they slip up against the bloody scousers again? If they don't start to pull their fingers out there will be a lot of changes in January. If a new manager arrives Ashley could soon find himself sat on the bench or facing the boot.

Nice one Ash

One of the papers today features a picture of Ash whacking some cheeky geezer who tried to mock hi by calling him 'Cashley'. Idiots like that deserve a good slap hopefully this should persuade other morons not to be so rude when in earshot of Ash.

More X-factor dross

With Louis, Tulisa, Kelly and Gary on the judging panel does the show really need any more muppets? Al the guests tonight were poor and the result was fairly predictable. I've reached the point where I don't care who wins the show because they are all much of a muchness.  Hopefully viewing figures will be so poor this year that the show will be scrapped altogether and they will bring out a new show that is more entertaining.

So what?

X-factor judge Tulisa has given an interview to the Sun in which she sounds off about everything under the sun. But who really cares what she says? She is fairly average singer an a well below par judge and mentor. I think the editor just wanted to pad out the paper by sticking in this piece of pointless story.

Ash and the boys got back to form thrashing Swansea 3-0 hopefully they have now started to turn things around.

Ash has a poorly ankle.

Ash could miss this weekends game with a poorly ankle, it's not like him to pick up niggly injuries perhaps old age is catching up with him.

Ashley looks for a career change

Ashley has clearly started to read the writing on the wall and decided to start looking for work outside of football. He's signed up to do a film with that famous actor Danny Dyer! His first role shouldn't be too tough though because he is meant to be playing himself. I wonder if I might feature in the film? Perhaps they will use a body double to play me.

Another slip up

The Chelsea boys managed to slip again in the last minute of their game in Germany. Will they ever learn that the game ain't over till the fat lady sings? At least Ash can't be blamed tonight because he wasn't playing.

Damp Squib

This years X-factor seems to have become a bit of a damp squib. With all the characters now out of the final it is going to be like watching paint dry. The only thing that could spice things up are some really good guests or the return of Simon or Cheryl. If things go on as they are doing I'm not really sure the show will return next year. Will advertisers and sponsors really want to be associated with a ratings loss? Most of the judges seem pretty fed up with the show and I can't see many people queuing up to replace them. May be ITV will bring back Blind Date or Play your cards right to bring back the Saturday night audiences.

Naughty, naughty.

The last time Rihanna was on X-factor the show was criticised for being too raunchy so on Sunday she appeared to be on her best behaviour wearing a dress and concentrating on her singing rather than flaunting her body. But it looks like she had the last laugh by having the words 'F**k off' written on her white shoes.  No body watching the show will have seen it but she clearly knew that picture editors through out the land would be crawling all over the pictures with a magnifying glass looking for something that could grab the headlines so wee can safely assume the message was their solely for their benefit.

Chelsea lose again.

I've always been a Chelsea fan ever since Ashley signed for them but my patience is starting to wear a little thin. They have now lost to United, Arsenal and Liverpool, and the way they are playing I could see them struggling against Spurs and Man City. They didn't even seem to try today after going behind early on they pulled it back but then didn't bring on Torres until the 85th minute. You can't win with an attitude like that.

Craig got dumped from X-factor which was only to be expected given his performance last night. I would say Marcus is now the favourite because the girly vote will now be spread very thinly.

X-factor encourages bullying.

According to experts X-factor teaches children how to bully. When kids see the judges making nasty comments to contestants they think it's OK to repeat such behaviour with their peers. Well I suppose the judges are pretty childish at times so it's not too surprising if kids are able to relate to them so easily.

Tonight's show was fairly dire with some many great film songs to pick from most of them managed to pick some real stinkers. It's hard to work out who will go this week because they were all much of a muchness.

Sexy Snaps

The day after saying she was too sick to sing with Gary Barlow she has released a load of sexy pictures of herself.  Whilst she still has a stunning figure she will soon reach a point when she starts to be seen as mutton dressed had lamb.  She needs to stop relying on the sexy look and instead head towards the trendy and sophisticated look.

Been watching a bit of Children in Need, everyone has clearly made an effort but isn't it time they did a show for dogs. Thousands of dogs have been put down because owners can't feed them, and thousands more have been killed so the owners can claim on the insurance.

Blatter Blunder

Looks like footballs big chief Seppe Blatter has put his put in it again claiming that racism isn't really a problem in football and any disputes that do arise can be settled with a handshake at the end of the game. What a plonker Ashley and other black players at Chelsea get abused all the time and very little gets done about it. If a black player commits a foul he is twice as likely to get sent off as a white player. How many black refs are their in the premiership?

Perfect face.

Scientists claim that Cheryl has got the perfect face. Well they do say after a while owners grow to look like their dogs so I suppose I should be claiming some of the credit for how attractive she is.

Cheryl cries off.

Cheryl should have been singing a duet with Gary Barlow for 'Children in Need' on Friday night but she has pulled out because she is poorly. I must say the thought of  doing a duet with Gary makes my tummy turn so she has probably done the right thing. I only hope it's not a sign that she is starting to get stage fright. I've almost forgot the last time I saw her singing live on telly since last years X-factor.

Bring back Cheryl

As the latest series of X-factor continues to bomb it looks like Simon is trying to tempt Cheryl to return to the show to boost viewing figures. I find the story a bit hard to believe at the moment given that Cheryl is no longer the star she was 12 months ago, will she really pull in millions of extra punters? What will her role be, will she replace one of the existing judges such as Louis who now has nothing to do now that Kitty has gone or does Simon want her to sing on the show to promote one of her records. If Simon really has been pushing her to return it probably just goes to show quite how bad things have got.

Fix!

Yet again the great unwashed are alleging that X-factor is fixed just because the show published the results of a telephone poll a hour before the phone lines closed. As usual the shows producers claim that it was just a technical hitch, seems like the show has had plenty of such hitches this year.

Elsewhere in the papers Louis claim that he is about to quit the show and Kelly seems to be ready to walk as well. If Kitty gets the boot tonight Louis may as well quit because he will have no acts left to mentor. I would rather him quit rather than sit there every week whinging about the fact that all his acts have gone.

Power cut

Tonight's X-factor was delayed by a power cut. Sadly it was only delayed by 30 minutes. Without all the characters it's so flat.

Dog rough

I don't know where last nights dinner came from but it has left me feeling dog rough. Whilst I don't have strongest constitution I've never been so poorly after eating a tin of dog food again.  I can only assume that Cheryl's mum has been skimping on the housekeeping buying dinted tins on the reduced counter.

Ash is busy preparing for the match with Spain. Poppy or no poppies I think we will get well and truly stuffed tomorrow by the best team in the world.

What happened to the Sun?

Whilst I'm as pleased as anyone that we have so far escaped the snow and ice that we got last year is it too much to ask for a bit of sun. The days are just so short and miserable, sometimes I wish I could hibernate for the winter or fly off somewhere really sunny like LA or the West Indies. May be the next time Cheryl jets off somewhere she might smuggle me in her suitcase to try and cheer me up.

Lets twist again.

Just when X-factor had a chance to save itself by bringing back Johnny the producers throw a curve ball and bring back the four contestants dropped after the first live show. Is this really just an admission that they dropped the wrong people? It will probably bring back a few punters but at the end of the day none of the finalists have really got star potential.

Frankie finally goes.

The X-factor bosses have finally decided that Frankie is more trouble than he's worth and given him the boot. His really problem was that he was trying so hard to be cool that he finished up looking a prat. Hopefully the bosses will now see sense and bring back Johnny. If Johnny doesn't come back the show will have lost all it's characters and it will soon become the most boring show on TV.

Cheryl has given her first interview for yonks and she has blamed all her problems on malaria. She reckons every thing went tits ups when she got poorly and she has never recovered.

How much more low profile can Cheryl get?

Cheryl seems to have disappeared without trace over the last few months. Whilst Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber took all the plaudits at the MTV bash  Cheryl was nowhere to be seen. If she keeps up this low profile much longer any chance of a comeback will be extremely slim. Once a pop-star falls out of fashion it's very hard to get back into fashion.  She can't even use X-factor this year to promote any new single so she will have to do it the hard way.

Bye, bye Johnny

Those stupid X-factor judges have kicked off the only genuine character on this years show. What were they thinking of saving Kitty and dropping Johnny? Kitty will probably go anyway next week. How the heck did Frankie survive? He was totally rubbish last night an he knew it. I reckon by next week viewing figures will be down by another half a million.

I can't stand the rain.

Now I'm not the biggest fan of hot weather but at least when it's hot I see plenty of action at the park, I'm not really keen on cold weather because it makes my willy shrink but the weather I hate most of all his rain. For a dog rain just means getting way to muddy. Unless someone thinks of drying me down with a towel I will be forced to sit around all day in a soggy coat. Yuck.

Make the most of it.

The X-factor acts have been out on the town for the Cosmo awards making the most of their 15 minutes of fame. This time next year they will all be forgotten about unless they are in court for benefit fraud or assault.

The bloke who claims that Louis Walsh assaulted him in a toilet has now withdrawn the claim saying it was a misunderstanding. I wonder if Max Clifford has been involved paying the bloke off to keep it all quiet.

Shock horror.

One paper today claims that X-factor judges read from scripts. Surely everyone knew that already you only have to see how many times a singer gives a crap performance yet the judges wax lyrical about how good the act was. The only thing that surprises me is that the script writers they use are so poor.

Ashley had another frustrating night with the boys failing to bring back all three points from Genk.

When did Gary Barlow become such a snitch?

Looks like Gary has been blagging about all the backstage falling's out on X-factor. He confirmed the worst kept secret in the world that Tulisa and Kelly had a big fallout and he also had a bitch about Louis. How will all this blabbing help to restore harmony on the judging panel? It's not clear at the moment if he is doing this off his own back or whether puppet master Simon is pulling the strings. I've no doubt all the judges will all be sweetness and light on Saturday night with plenty of scripted lines of banter.

Chelsea blow it again.

What are Ashley and the boys playing at. First they lose to QPR and Chelsea and now they get held one - one by a team of minnows. They had plenty of chances to win thew game but they just couldn't deliver the killer blow, they even missed a sodding penalty.

There's been no sightings of Kelly at any of the airports so Simon is either going to have to stick to his guns and sack her or back down and look like a wimp. Looks like a win-win situation to me.

Simon talks tough.

After another car crash weekend on X-factor Simon is starting to crack the whip. He's told Kelly to get her butt back to London pretty sharpish or she will get the boot. Whilst this tough talk plays well with the media he could get into plenty of trouble if he does sack her she will be very quick in getting her story into the media very quickly. It will probably suit both sides if she quits the show on grounds of ill health allowing Simon to parachute in a new judge.

Twitter who?

Cheryl has returned to twitter again and has really got tongues wagging. Just because she said 'love you to' the papers have marred her off to some US TV producer. Surely typing 'love you to' is just being friendly it doesn't necessarily mean she wants to have his babies.

The meltdown continues.

Halloween seem to have arrived early on X-factor. Kelly appears to have stayed in the US rather than coming back for this weeks show, and one of the lads from the boy band as walked so the judges have replaced him with a singer who has already been axed.  Either Simon has messed up big style or all these events have been planned and scripted to boost the shows ratings we won't have to wait long to find out the answer.

Why stick the boot into Johnny?

The only character in this years X-factor is being accused of being a benefit cheat in the papers. Hopefully this is just a bit of tabloid bullshit because without him the show will be finished. Last year Wagner played a key part in keeping the public glued to the show and Cher and Katie also attracted a lot of attention mostly because the public didn't like them. Without pantomime characters it becomes nothing but a third rate singing contest. The producers of Strictly will be popping the champagne corks if X-factor loses even more figures.

His Simon juggling too many plates.

With the British version of X-factor entering meltdown Simon seems to be having problems state side, he is basically trying to run the American show on his own while the other judges sit on their hands and fail to do any straight talking.  All this stress will turn his hair grey or give him more wrinkles so expect him to disappear over Christmas for some work on his face and hair.

Ash and the boys had a lucky escape when another muppet of a ref sent off a Chelsea player for no reason.

The rows rumble on.

Most of the papers have fallen for all the over-hyped rows between the judges on X-factor. Kelly has even flown back to LA in a hough to try and give the story legs.  It really shows how poor the acts are this year that the shows producers are having to pull every stunt in the book to try and full in extra viewers.

The knives are out for Louis

It looks like Simon is pulling out all the stops to get rid of Louis. After all the rumours yesterday of Louis getting the boot, today even some of the contestants are starting to call for his head. Sami has tried to pin the blame Louis for not saving her this week but surely she must have cottoned on by now to the fact that fatties never win X-factor. She was nothing more than a novelty act who appealed to older viewers. If Sami had won Simon would have topped himself. Whilst Louis can be an idiot at times he is the only judge with any experience of managing a successful pop act.

Louis to get the boot.

It looks like Simon is losing patience with Louis and is threatening to give him the boot if the show doesn't start pulling in more punters. Simon may even fly in from America to try and get a grip of the show.  How long will it before he tries to lure Cheryl to return to the judging panel?

Justin loves Cheryl

Justin Bieber thinks Simon Cowell made a wrong decision when he fired Cheryl Cole from 'The X Factor'. Why is it only teenage boys like Justin who still give a toss about Cheryl?

Chelsea were robbed today with the ref sending off two of their players and awarding a penalty to QPR. At least I had the pleasure of seeing United well and truly thrashed.

Simon is not a happy bunny.

Simon is still spitting feathers about the way the new series of X-factor is rapidly going down the fan. One paper even reported he had threatened to sack all the judges. But what would be the point, he hand picked al the judges himself so if he now turns round and says they are rubbish it will reflect badly on him. If there were any sackings who would he bring in as replacements? I don't think anyone in their right minds would want to take on any of the current batch of contestants.

Despite all of Simon's rantings tonight's show was fairly dire. Who stupid idea was it to introduce a rock night when hardly any of the acts have got a clue what rock actually is. Johnny and Kitty made an effort but the others were out of their comfort zones and it showed.

I can tell winter is round the corner because my Willy has shrunk. It's so small it's nearly disappeared.

Cheryl has been tweeting again

Killing some time before hitting the recording studio, Cheryl, 28, took to Twitter to play “ask me a question, any question!” with her fans.

Promising some dynamite revelations, she posted: “ATTENNNNNTION! Soldiers, I’m about to drop some bombs.. Ask me some questions.. LEGGO!!”

Sixty minutes later, Cheryl’s 715,147 followers knew her preferred hot drink, her favourite time of day (“night”) and her most used emoticon.

Asked who she’d like to be reincarnated as, she replied: “Marilyn Monroe/Audrey Hepburn rolled into one.” A kind of celeb hybrid, if you will.

OOH! The celeb she most fancies is Rihanna – complete with winky kissy face, in case we actually thought she was a lesbian.

Cheryl doesn't seem to realise that the problem with Twitter is that if you broadcast the first thing that comes into head you will later come to regret some of the rubbish you have tweeted.

Simon pulls another fast one.

It has been revealed that X-factor winners will not get the much publicized £1m contract that they have always been promised. In future the winner will have to have 5 successful  albums to earn £1m. Well I can't see any of the current managing one successful album let alone 5. Only a few of the most winners have gone any where near to that level of success. Leona has managed to make £20m but she had actually got plenty of talent.

Ashley and the boys had another good night in Europe scoring 5 goals but they could easily have got into double figures.

Ashley is dating a Jordan wannabe

After all the twaddle that has been written about Ashley's love life the papers are now claiming that Ashley has had a secret lover for the past three months. The new woman in Ashley's life has been appearing in a TV show with Jordan and she even has a tattoo of the surgically enhanced glamour model.  Why would Ashley want to wake up every morning and look at a tattoo of Jordan staring him in the face.

There have been more rows on X-factor this time little Louis and catty Kelly have been giving each other bitch slaps and now they are not talking to each other.  You always know when viewing figures are dipping because suddenly the papers are full of stories about judges falling out in a bid to try and get the public interested.

The fans hit the shit

After another poor weekend viewing figures for X-factor have tumbled again. Things are so bad that it is now trailing Strictly Come Dancing in the ratings. If Cheryl is planning to release a Christmas hit she would be better off show casing it on Strictly rather than the X-factor.  Typically Simon has blamed the new judges for plummeting viewing figures even though he hand picked them all for the role.

I wonder if he is going to keep slagging off all the judges until one of them quits allowing Cheryl to make a return.  If he can't get Cheryl back may be he will get Gary to take a holiday so he can get back in the hot seat himself.

One of Cheryl's former backing singers has entered rehab to try and cut back on her drinking habit. Sarah Harding seems to have finally got the message that constant boozing is not a good idea. I'm sure Cheryl will be supportive of her former colleague. Cheryl has so far avoided any kind of rehab or if she as had rehab she has managed to keep it quiet.

Simon has been spotted out and about with a woman who is the splitting image of his current squeeze, what message is he trying to send out? Perhaps he is saying he doesn't mind who he is pictured with as long as it is a woman.

The Pantomime continues

Why did I bother watching X-factor again tonight. The acts this year are just so ordinary and when they sing such tired and predictable songs it's just like Karaooke night at a local pub, the only difference is that people have to watch it when they are fairly sober.

Ashley is getting in the papers for all the wrong reasons at the moment. Today one paper claimed he had bedded three different women in the same week. Knowing Ashley I can't see how he would have the energy to do that and play two games of football and train.  He certainly had enough energy left tonight to help Chelsea beat Everton comprehensively.

Chav to Fab

Apparently since joining X-factor Tulisa has gone from a Chav to fab in the fashion stakes. I don't see it myself she seems to have gone from Primark to Tesco's whilst being on the show.  Any talk of her competing the with Cheryl in the fashion stakes is pure bollocks.  At best she is fairly ordinary, she certainly won't be appearing on the cover of Vogue any time soon.

Let's make Rooney the scapegoat.

Now that Wayne Rooney has been banned for the first three matches of the European championship England are now getting their excuses in for why we are not going to win the competition. Rooney has been rubbish at every final he has played in so why would he have made a difference this time.  The truth is that England will never be as good as Spain.

Is Chezza off to LA

Cheryl has been spotted house hunting in LA. She was spotted looking around a £3m place in Beverley Hills.  But why does she want to spend so much money to go and live in a place where no-one can understand her accent. I'm sure she is just looking to buy a bolt hole to escape to if we have another cold winter over here. What a shame she can't take me. I could just picture my self strutting down Sunset Boulevard, I'm sure some of those stuck up bitches in America would like a bit of British rough.

To Russia with love.

Ash is now a target of a top Russian club who have offered to double his wages.  He must be tempted by the chance of picking up £10m a year at his age, he will be able to escape the attention of the feral British press and he will have is pick of a bevy of sexy women.

Cheryl is putting all her efforts into launching her own range of shoes, she obviously feels the need to try and compete with Posh as a fashion designer. Hope all goes well or it could end up being a load of cobblers.

Is the X-factor dying on it's feet.

A week ago producers were claiming that X-factor was going from strength to strength even without Simon, Cheryl and Dannii on the panel but at the weekend the chickens finally came home to roost with 1million viewers abandoning the show. Some experts are trying to blame it all on the adverts but in reality I really think they need to look more closely at the caliber of the acts. Whilst the show may  have a few characters this year the acts with real star quality are very thin on the ground. Are there really many acts on the show who would bring a tear to your eye if they got booted off?

Bring back Simon and Cheryl before it's too late. May be that is part of the plan, Gary could go off in a strop in a few weeks time causing Simon to return in person or by Video link. Simon could then wind up Kelly and Tulisa until one of them walks and leaves a space for Cheryl.

Cheryl shows a bit of leg

For some reason the papers seem to be fascinated with how beautiful Cheryl's legs are. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  Does it mean that journalist have grown tired of looking at the top half of her body and they are now only interested in the bottom half of her body. May be they have just not spotted them before because they have been so enchanted by her cute smile her nice firm boobs and her wonderful hair.

Last years script.

Having watched a bit of X-factor tonight I couldn't help thinking the judges were using last years script. Tulisa kept using all Cheryl's old lines and Kelly nicked many on Dannii's lines.  It looks like the judges are resorting to a lot of squabbling to cover up how weak many of the acts are this year.

Sarah Harding has left no hope of reunion between her and fiancee Tom Crane as she sent all the sexy Agent Provocateur underwear that the DJ bought her back to him in the post. Well at least he will now have something to sniff at when he misses her.

Cheryl on the booze.

Cheryl is all over the papers today looking the worse for wear after a night out on the booze with WilIam. That girl should know better than to go drinking in public with the cameras around her.  Because she is so thin half a pint of lager is usually enough to get her drunk. Some how every so often she has to go out and prove that she is a true Geordie by getting totally sozzled.

Whats wrong with dogs in Pyjamas?

The paper are making a big fuss about a dog who is forced to wear pyjamas because it has a skin condition. I wear silk PJ's all the time, any dog with a bit of class would wear night clothes for bed. The alternative would be to sleep in a blanket full of fleas. Where is the fun in that. Perhaps Cheryl could design a full range of nightwear just for dogs there must be a big untapped market out there if she can get in there super fast.

The fight back begins

After a long lay off Cheryl finally seems to be bouncing back, tonight she was on ITV honouring the heroes. She also had lots of good press about being the next Gok Wan hosting her own fashion show. And to top it all there is also a picture doing the rounds showing Cheryl locked in a passionate snog with one of the sexy boys from JLS. Before you know it she will be accused of being a cradle snatcher.

Blast from the past.

Cheryl was pictured at the Pride of Britain awards with little Joe McElderry. Whatever happened to little Joe's career after winning the X-factor? His record deal has been scrapped and recent reports suggest he's moved out of his posh swanky London flat and moved back in his mum.  This time next year Matt Cardle will be in the same boat.

Why did she wear that dress.

I can't believe that Cheryl has allowed herself to be photographed  wearing a dress designed by Victoria Beckham. Cheryl should be designing her own dresses rather than providing free publicity for Posh.  Whilst the dress is very nice it does make her look older than she actually is.

If Cheryl ever gets round to launching her own fashion label I wonder if Posh will return the favour by modelling the range? Then again would Cheryl want an old woman like Posh promoting her range?

Torture.

I don't know why I forced myself to watch X-factor again this weekend because it really does get on my nerves.  Why do the shows producers insist on dragging the rejection stuff out for so long? They go through the same routine each year where they cut from one act to another so you don't know who is getting the boot until the last minute.  It's torture to watch and it must be even worse if you happen to be a contestant.

The acts in the last 16 are much of a muchness as usual the judges seem to have gone for looks rather than singing ability for the younger acts and with the over 25's they have gone with eccentric plus the ex-soldier to pull on the heart strings. Given the poor quality of the field I reckon a couple of extra acts will be called back next week to try and spice things up.

Slow news day.

You always know it's a slow news day when the papers devote so much space to discussing Cheryl's new hairstyle. The fact that Cheryl has been having a bit of fun with her curling tongues is hardly big news.

Cradle Snatching

Cheryl is reportedly planning to do a duet with Justin Bieber.  Why oh why would she want to do something as daft as that?  Their styles are so different and any woman who ever works with him ends up getting loads of death threats from demented teenage girls who all fancy Bieber.

Swan Song

Cheryl's brief appearance on American X-factor came to an end tonight when her time on the panel was finally aired. Hopeful most American's will now have a brief glimpse of what they are missing.

Close but no cigar.

Thought Ash and the boys were going to get a much needed win today but they managed to throw it away with three minutes to go. When oh when is Torres going to get the ball in the net. He had loads of good opportunities but the keeper was just to good for him. The good news for Chelsea is that Man City seem to be having a spot of bother with Tevez so that should derail their good start to the season and Chelsea might managed to sneak into second place in the league.

Slipping down the pecking order.

Cheryl seems to be slowly slipping down the celebrity pecking order she didn't get a mention in most of the papers today. It looks like the only way she can get in the papers these days is to fly off to Afghanistan or do something else equally newsworthy.  Unless she can get herself firmly back on the A-list she will struggle to get back to the top of the charts again.

She either needs to do something big for charity like swimming from Newcastle to Amsterdam, start dating a premiership footballer again or get back a regular slot on prime time TV again.

Talent show or soap opera?

X-factor has always been billed as a show that searches out the country's most talented singers but increasingly now it is becoming more of a soap opera. Over the Summer there was all the speculation over who would be on the judging panel and now that it is up and running all the stories in the papers are about the off stage antics of the acts and the judges.  Earlier this month there were headlines about orgies at the judges houses, now there are new stories about contestants being booted off because they have been in prison, acts with mental health issues being exploited and the latest installment is one of the acts quitting the show because she thought the judges were taking the piss out of her.

So what have we learned so far about the acts, some of the female singers are really good at singing songs they like and that they have been singing every day for months but take them out of their comfort zone and get them to perform something new and they start to flap.

Hush money

Simon Cowell reckon's he always gives ex-girlfriends a big pay off after they split because it's the right thing to do.  Surely he pays them so much to keep quite about what happened when they were together.

What a surprise!

All the papers are bleating on about the unsavoury past of some of the contestant in this years X-factor. What do the papers expect the show offers people a chance to turn their life around so is it surprising it attracts people who have either been in trouble with the law or who have workered as strippers or hookers.

Gary starts to lose his halo

Saint Gary is starting to see his popularity dip after he was filmed mocking one of the hopeless contestants on the X-factor.  Apparently he sat on the stage rifling through a woman's hand bag taking the piss out of her.
Once the public start to turn on him he will struggle to win back their affections.

Bring back Cheryl

It looks like Simon may have screwed up by dropping Cheryl so quickly. Lots of Yanks actually seemed to enjoy her performance in the first episode of US X-factor. But the problem now is that it is too late to bring her back now unless she can be parachuted in as a guest judge in the closing stages of the show. I wonder if this story is a true as the papers have made out or is Simon yet again spinning a line to ensure US X-factor is watched when it is aired over here.

Shut up Simon

I can't believe Simon has given another bloody interview about why Cheryl wasn't right for American X-factor. When is he going to shut up about it and move on.  Each time he talks about it he looks more of a prick especially when he is being interviewed by bloody Piers Morgan.

Talking of rubbish some papers are still going on about her Afghan visit claiming that she now fancies a soldier. What tosh, the only soldiers she likes are the ones she dips in her boiled eggs.

Well said Lily

I don't often find myself agreeing with Lily Allen but just this once I'll make an exception.  On Sunday's X-factor they allowed a 7 minute clip to be shown of a woman who was a walking freak show. She had been on the show before so the producers knew what to expect but they showed the clip anyway so that viewers could see the judges take the piss out of this unfortunate woman.  This seems to be happening more and more on a show that is now more interested at laughing at freaks rather than finding real talent.

Rubbing Salt in the wounds

Simon has been rubbing salts in Cheryl's wounds again by reportedly signing up Tulisa and Kelly for next years X-factor even before they've reached the half way point in this series. Cowell clearly knew that the announcement would get plenty of coverage in the papers and will guarantee acres of free publicity for the show.

Fergie has been slagging off Ash for a tough challenge he made on Sunday. Does that man ever stop moanin? He's like a one armed waiter he can give it but he can't take it.

Death threats?

Must be another quite news day because several papers are running with a very silly story about Cheryl receiving death threats after visiting troops in Afghanistan. There doesn't seem to be any truth to these stories but clearly it's a great headline to sell papers, it has an 'A' list celeb, terrorism and death all in one sentence. The only thing the sentence really lacks are a few facts.

Ash and the boys had a nightmare at Old Trafford. United scored two dodgy goals and Torres missed a bag full of chances so the Manchester mob won 3-1 even though they played very poorly.

No sex factor

According to stories in the paper which have probably been leaked by Simon Cowell several contestants have been kicked off the show for having sex at the judges house.  I really can't believe that acts would get the boot if they had real talent. Looks to me like a clever publicity stunt aimed at breathing fresh life into a show that seems to be dying on it's feet.

Cash in Quick

Now that Cheryl is the nations sweet heart again she needs to cash in quick. The public are very fickle and celebs can quickly slip from zero to hero in the bat of an eye-lid.  I would love to see a Cheryl Barbie doll with her dressed in her combat gear. I'm sure it would appeal to girls as well as boys so it is bound to make a killing.
Cheryl could also bring out a fitness DVD in which she is whipped into shape by some army sergeant.

Kahki Cole

The papers have really lapped up Cheryl's visit to Afghanistan, there are loads of pictures of her wearing her combats and firing guns. They will soon be calling her the new Vera Lynn. May be she will be able to release 'We'll Meet again' as her Christmas single. I would love her to release a record in December aimed at stopping Cowell getting the Christmas number one with the X-factor winner.

GI Cheryl

Cheryl has risked life and limb by visiting the troops in Afghanistan.  Whilst it should all be good publicity for her has she tries to relaunch herself her timing wasn't too great arriving the day after major attacks in the capital city.  Perhaps she might now land a new job advertising military based fashion ranges.

Hard work.

Ash and the boys made hard work of their European match tonight, they need a goal from a defender and then a very late second goal to clinch the match. They will need to buck up their ideas if the are going to take any points from the Manchester mob this year.

More Barrel scraping

Against my better judgement I took a peep at X-factor again last night. The show really does seem to be scraping the barrel this year, the dire acts are really dire and even the acts that the judges think are wonderful are just average.  Tonight's superstar was a 16 year old girl who had clearly had a fortune spent on her by her parents, her hair was dyed blonde, she was covered in slap and probably had her own singing coach. Yet despite all the time and money invested in her she was still no better than average.

Has Ashley been ditched again.

According the the Sunday Mirror Cheryl has finally given Ash the elbow. I'm sure they have run that story at east once already this year. Have they got any evidence to back up the claim or do they think that if they repeat  the story often enough eventually they will get the story right.

Cowell has been bigging up his Macho image again getting Sinitta to tell the papers what a love rat he is. If he really has cheated on so many women in the past why have none of these women squealed to the papers before now to make a quick book.

Snubbed again.

After being sacked as a judge on the US version of X Factor, Cheryl is now facing her third US snub after movie bosses said they might cut her one line cameo role in the blockbuster 'What To Expect When You're Expecting'. The American's really seem to have it in for her.

Tell him where to stick it.

Simon Cowell said that Cheryl could have a job on the next series of BGT. How very gallant. Why on earth would Cheryl want to appear on a second rate talent show. Cheryl should tell him to stick the offer where the sun don't shine.

Cheryl is getting addicted to twitter

Having avoided it for so long, Cheryl now seems to be addicted to twitter. Most of her tweets are so boring they are almost like a cry for help. Today she told her followers how much she enjoyed watching a DVD of the Girls Aloud tour, this was seen by many as her trying to hint that she was up for a reunion.

More bollocks from Cowell

Simon Cowell is yet again telling whoppers to the papers to try and make out he is some kind of macho stud. He is now claiming he once had a threesome with two women if this story was true sure one of these women would have squealed to the press before now. If he really wants to prove he is a red blooded male he needs to get married and produce a sprog. Until he does that rumours will continue to circulate about which team he bats for.

Come on England.

I thought we would stuff the Welsh tonight but Ash and the boys were  bit lack luster. Expecting them to play two good games in 5 days is asking  bit too much for these pampered pansies.

The wedding's off! Sarah Harding has split from fiancé Tom Crane. I'm surprised that papers have not tried to label the story 'The curse of Girl's aloud' I suppose it will save Cheryl having to buy them a gift.

Sexy Calendar

Cheryl is aiming to grab back the limelight by launching a very sexy calendar. I'm sure there are enough spotty teenagers out there who will rush out and buy it but can't see it being a long term career move. There really isn't much call for birds in their 30's appearing in saucy calendars unless they get their tits out.

Looks like Simon's latest show is sinking fast. Even though it has created two big winners the papers weren't happy that one of the winners had spent time in prison for assault.

Given up on X-factor

After watching another singer murder Adele I've finally given up on X-factor. What a pile of Poo!

Simon Cowell talking rubbish

Simon Cowell has ruled out the idea of having children as he lacks the time and patience to raise a child, I thought it was the idea of having sex with a woman that put him off having kids

To tweet or not to tweet?

Cheryl is finally starting to realise how stupid the whole tweeting thing is becoming. While in the states she sent a tweet about her poo. Now in America this may be considered quite normal in Britain it is considered bonkers.

Off with the Hoff

Looks like Cowell has fallen out with the Hoff and given him the boot from BGT.  The Hoff was pretty rubbish has a judge but he provided plenty of entertainment. I'm sure Simon will find another drone to take his place who is better at following orders.

Ashley looks safe

Chelsea have bought no new left back so Ash looks safe for another year.

Ex-con factor

The producers of X-factor and so desperate to whip interest in the show that they are leaking stories to the press about how ex-cons are taking part in the show.  Why are they making such a big deal about this especially when they have had an ex-con as a judge in the past.  I've no doubt that in weeks to come we will  be reading stories about sex, drug taking and benefit fraud. Proof if proof was needed that Cowell is still pulling all the strings on the show even when he's in the USA.

Cheryl's TV comeback

Cheryl has been offered a series of prime-time slots for ITV, including a possible chat show, they must be lining her up to replace that slimey slug Piers Morgan. I can't see Piers rushing to comeback to Britain now that he's been accused of phone hacking. But does Cheryl really want to host a chat show? On a chat show she won't really havea chance to show off her talents unless she is allowed to sing with guests on the show. Charlotte Church had ago at doing a chat show and it was fairly dire.

What has become of Alexandra Burke

When Alexandra Burke won X-factor with Cheryl's help a lot was expected of her but tonight she is supporting Tini Temper playing to a bunch of pissed up British holiday makers in Spain. Another great success story for the X-factor.

Cheryl blamed for heating disorder.

A girl who lost 3 stone in weight and developed an eating disorder has tried to blame it on Cheryl. How silly is that? If people want to get slim they just have to eat less and exercise more they don't have to starve to death or throw up after every meal.

More rumours are circulating about Ash and Cheryl getting back together with the usual idiots wading in telling Cheryl not to do it, none of these idiots know anything about what Ash and Cheryl are like in private so they should butt out.

Is that a compliment?

Simon Cowell has given an interview claiming that Cheryl is just like Princess Di because people mob her where ever she goes or what ever she does. But surely you could say the same about Jordan or Jade Goody. Simon is clearly trying to creep around Cheryl so she will make a guest appearance on this years X-factor. It would make good TV for her to perform in front of the current judging panel and then asking them to comment.

The silly season.

At this time of year there always lots of stupid stories in the paper as journalist try and come up with scoops when news is thin on the ground. The latest pile of pooh to come out of Wapping is that Cheryl is thinking of giving up show business.  Why on earth would she do that? If she did give up singing and appearing in adverts she would still be mobbed whenever she was out in public so she may as well keep making money out of being famous and use it to pay for plenty of security guards and electric fences around her home.

Return of the Jedward

I can't believe those talentless twins are back on the box. Isn't it about time that z-list celebs are told they are only allowed on two reality shows and then they must disappear forever more. Celebrity Big Brother was bad enough on Channel 4 but now it's moved to Channel 5 it's gone beyond a joke. I don't recognise half the celebs and those I do recognise I can't stand. People are fed up with Kerry Katona and Jedward so get them off the telly. Better still lock them all in a big house and leave them there.

Tell us something we don't know.

Simon Cowell reckons that this years X-factor is better without him.  Well any idiot knows that. All Simon is concerned about is his ego. Simon doesn't care who wins as long as he is the one pulling all the strings.

Cheryl's body guard spills the beans.

I can't believe that Cheryl's former body guard has gone running to the papers with all her secrets, what a total shit.  Hopefully other celebs and sports personalities will have taken note of his despicable behaviour and he will never get another well paid job as a celebrity minder. I wonder how he would feel if Cheryl went to the papers and told tales about him being a lazy useless tosser.

Simon Cowell is so determined to stay healthy, he regularly receives vitamin shots during business meetings. I'd love to be the person who has to stick those needles in his arse.

Car crash TV

I wasn't going to watch X-factor because Cheryl wasn't on but in the end I weakened because there was nothing else to watch. What a waste of time. The new judges are a joke and most of the acts were dreadful. At one point when one of the acts started to get stroppy Dermot tried to get all macho. This show has got to improve pretty vast or else viewing figures will soon start to plummet. Ash and the lads made hard work of beating the Baggies but at least they have 3 points in the bag so they are on the right path. They just need Torres to start getting the ball in the net.

Why did Camilla not adopt me?

Apparently Camilla was so taken by a dog at a rescue centre that she has decided to adopt it, if she wanted a poor neglected dog why didn't she go for me? I'm abandoned most of the year, I come from a broken home and I have to spend loads of time living in Newcastle.

Cheryl now has a 'Fairy Godfather.

Cheryl's Cole’s “Fairy Godfather” Will.i.am has lined her up a top producer to make her a solo star in the States. As her manager, Will is even taking a break from his band The Black Eyed Peas to arrange a string of collaborations for the Geordie singer – first and foremost with instant hit-maker and close buddy David Guetta.

I'm sure she is looking forward to being a big success in the States so she can stick two fingers up to Simon Cowell.

I'm already bored with X-factor!

Even though X-factor doesn't start until Saturday I'm already bored to tears hearing about it. There seems to have been a long stream of pointless stories all aimed at trying to generate publicity for the show. But if you strip out all the hype what are we left with? Louis and Gary are both very nice but they are as boring as hell especially without Simon to wind them up. Kelly and Tulula are equally dull and have very little new to offer.
Tulula has promised not to get angry on set - but warned she will be rude to anyone who offends her. Wow can't wait to see that.

I think I might give the show a miss this year and go cruising in the park instead. Lets face it all the slappers and air-heads will be in watching telly so all the bitches at the park will at least be slightly more sophisticated than the usual crowd you find down there.

Flogging a dead horse.

Isn't it time X-factor was put out to grass? Simon Cowell is said to be planning free booze for contestants in the 'X Factor' in an effort to capture as much "sex and scandal" as possible in this year's series. Does this mean there will be an Amy Winehouse night?

Little Louis gets his claws up.

Louis has been having a dig at Simon saying that X-factor will be fine without him.

Simon jumps on another bandwagon

Simon Cowell has jumped on the rioting bandwagon by donating £50,000 to a fund to help those affected by the riots in the U.K, when will he give some money to help those people affected by watching X-factor.

Finally some Glee for Cheryl

Yesterday it was a movie role today it's a guest slot on Glee.  Cheryl is clearly launching her comeback. What will it be next an appearance on Question Time or will she be a surprise contestant on the new Big Brother?

Cheryl to appear in a film.

Cheryl is to make an appearance in a film alongside Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez.

A tweet from Cheryl's PR said: "Cheryl Cole is confirmed for a small cameo appearance in the film What To Expect When You're Expecting."

The storyline focusses on the lives of four couples during pregnancy.

There's no confirmation about what role she'll take but there are reports she'll play a TV talent show judge. Well she knows nothing about being pregant and nothing about being a talent show judge in America so the film should be right up her street.

How silly?

Kimberley Walsh swears bandmate Nadine Coyle’s body is so fragile that it “hurts” if she tries to run. How could anyone be so stupid to get so thin that it could damage their health. She's obviously got too much time on her hands if she can spend so much time dieting and exercising. May be it's time the girls got back together and did some proper work.

Ash gets a night off.

Thanks to all the rioting and looting the England match has been called off so Ash has managed to have the night off.  Hope he's not done something silly like going out clubbing with some page 3 floozy who will sell her story to the papers even before she's had her breakfast.

Let me at the looters.

I was very shocked to see the all those young people rioting and looting on the streets of London. While lots of people are calling for the police to be given plastic bullets and water canon why are they not sending in the dogs.  A few fierce dog like me would soon have these trouble-makers running for cover.

Vajazzled dogs!

A dog groomer is offering a "vajazzling" service for dogs using dye, stick-on sparkles and even fairy wings. What dog in it's right mind would wanted to be seen wearing bloody fairy wings. Any dog who turned up to the park 'vajazzled' would become a laughing stock.

More rumours are circulating that Cheryl is moving back in with Ashley. It must be the silly season if journalist are writing this kind of tosh without having a shred of evidence to back up the claim.

Cheryl the hermit

It would appear that Cheryl is keeping something of a low profile over in he states rarely leaving her hotel room and having all her food delivered by room service. This could mean a number of things, she may have a new bloke locked in the room with her, she may be suffering from depression or the most logical explanation is that she hard at work on a new album.

Simon says he regrets sacking Cheryl

Simon Cowell now claims that he has regrets about sacking Cheryl from US X-factor.  Sadly it is hard to tell if he really means it or if he is simply trying to gain even more news coverage from the story. I thought he originally tried   to make out that the decision to sack her was out of his hands, if that was the case how can he claim to have any regrets.

Ash was actually portrayed in a good light for once in the media. A reporter on Football Focus interviewed him while in was in New York. Ash was able to deny many of the silly stories written about him and he also pointed out that if he tried to correct every false story about him in the papers he would be on the phone 24/7  

Will.Iam is back.

The papers are full of pics of Cheryl out on the town with Will.Iam in Cannes. Presumably this is because he is producing a record with her but that is too simple for the papers they love to read too much into it. Some papers suggest they are getting it together while others think she is sending some kind of message to Ash. I just wish she would just remarry Ash just to piss off all the papers.

The new judge on X-factor seems to have been transformed into a Cheryl lookalike. Is that what Simon set out to achieve a discounted version of Cheryl? I wonder if he will now try and find someone who looks a bit like Louis Walsh but who will only expect to receive a tenth of his fees.

Perhaps there is also a Cowell lookalike out there somewhere. But if you did look too much like Simon you would try not to go out too much just in case someone tries to deck you.

Just what Simon needs.

Apparently Simon Cowell is off on holiday. When you own as many luxury villas as Simon and you are driven everywhere in posh cars and you are waited on hand and foot all the time how do you no the difference between going on holiday and an average week at the office.

Three hours of X-factor?

According to one rag the new series of X-factor will feature shows lasting 3 hours. How sad would you have to spend 3 hours on a Saturday night watching X-factor?  No wonder Cheryl was keen to get out of being a judge. How can you possibly drag the show out for 3 hours? I can only assume they just going to include more adverts and longer adverts.

Cher is showing her true colours

Cher Lloyd has been having a dig at Cheryl claiming that Girl's Aloud were cheesy and saying that Cheryl hasn't spoken to her since X-factor finished.  She is now even saying she looks nothing like Cheryl and has never tried to be like her, what a lying cow.

During X-factor she made out that they were like sisters and that Cheryl was always  on the phone now she says she never even had Cheryl's number.

Six months from now the only work available to her will be singing our song in the Euro song contest!

Lucky dogs.

A woman in New York, estimates she has spent almost $200,000 (£120,000) on her beloved chihuahuas Aspen, Winston, Havanah, Ryleigh, Lola and Beckham so far. She's even made one of them a wedding dress in the style of the Duchess of Cambridge's lavish gown. Why doesn't Cheryl spend that kind of money on me?


Cher claims she wants to be as rich as Simon Cowell.  She will need plenty of lucky heather to make as much money as that.

Is Ash buying Cheryl's old clothes

With so many silly bids being made for Cheryl's old clothes I'm beginning to think Ash may be doing some of the bidding, it would certainly help him to get back into her good  books again.

Cheryl is selling her clothes on Ebay

I couldn't believe my eyes when I read a headline saying that Cheryl was selling her clothes on E-bay. I thought perhaps she's got money problems but then I discovered she was only doing it for charity.  Perhaps if she makes lots of money she might become the 'Peoples Princess' once again.

When will Cheryl start signing on?

Having not had a proper job for 6 months I wonder when Cheryl will start claiming the dole? She's paid all of her taxes so she is entitled to her benefits. If I was her I'd be claiming as soon as possible just in case Cowell hasn't been putting money aside for her pension.She doesn't want to be working till she 80 like Brucie.

Have Chelsea run out of money?

After splashing out £70m in the January sales Chelsea now seem to have stop buying new players. If Torres finds his scoring touch things will be fine but if he starts to misfire again Chelsea will be left fighting for the runners up spot.

Will I be that lucky?

When I read that the designer Alexander McQueen had left his dog £50,000 in his will I started to think about what I would do with so much money.  May be I could by some bling and visit some posh restaurants. Or may be I'd blow it on a cut dog walker to take me out every day to the posh haunts of London. I also started to wonder if Cheryl and Ash have got round to writing their wills yet and if I get a mention.

Cheryl ditches Ash for Simon

After all the rubbish of yesterday, today the papers say that Ash has been dumped so that Cheryl can start building bridges with Simon.  Lets just wait to see what tomorrows papers say.

Is Ash getting another chance?

Most of the Chelsea players believe that Cheryl has taken Ash back despite all the claims about him in the press. This means she is either a mug or most of the recent stories were just bullshit. I tend to think the latter is the case.

Did anyone hack Cheryl and Ash

Amid all the talk about phone hacking Cheryl and Ash have not yet been mentioned. Surely if the papers hacked into the phones of Becks and Rooney they must also have had ago at Cheryl and Ash.  May be they tried to listen to Cheryl's phone but gave in when they couldn't understand all the Geordie messages.

Where the heck is Cheryl

Over the last 6 months Cheryl has made a habit of disappearing without trace for long periods. The good rumours are that she is locked a way in a studio somewhere making a super new album. The bad rumours claim that she is in a private hospital having some cosmetic surgery. If she doesn't release a new album very soon it will be seen as proof that she's been under the knife.

Quiet news day!

You know it's a quiet news day when the papers start publishing pictures of Z-list celebs like Derek Hough at the beach with his sister.  How the heck can that be news when there are thousands of people dying in Somali. Surely the papers must have better celeb stories than this.

Where does he find the energy

According to the papers Ash had three women on the go at the same time. I really wish I had his energy. I could probably manage the sex. It's all the juggling around I would struggle with.

Is Ash off to LA?

After claiming yesterday that  Cheryl has given Ash the elbow over rumours about who he was sleeping with the papers are now saying Cheryl has been trying to persuade Ash to move to LA.  Does Ash really want to go and play football in the States?  It would be like moving to a division 2 club in this country. I'm sure that Ash has got a couple of years of premier league football left in him before he retires to the eaiser MLS

Has Ashley blown it again?

Most of the papers are claiming that Cheryl and Ash have had a major bust up after a couple of scubbers in need of publicity claimed they were still getting jiggy with Ash even though he was meant to be getting back with Cheryl.

Now these stories could be totally true then again there is always the possiblity that they were never really going to get back together and this story helps to get the papers off the hook for starting off the silly rumours about a reunion in the first place.

Make your mind up.

Now that the News of the World is no more I was forced to paw my way through the other tabloids today in search of good gossip.  Sadly most of the papers were fairly rubbish.  Whilst one paper was adamant that Cheryl was heading back the X-factor to help out in one of the judges houses another hack claimed that Simon and Cheryl have not spoken to each other for over a month. So it looks like it's all guess work at the moment at least it shows that they can't be hacking her phone.

The knives are out for Ash.

With so much talk about Ash and Cheryl getting back together it should come as no surprise that a few reporters and z-list celebs have tried to cash in on the story by trying to split the two of them up. A couple of birds he's not seen for ages are running round pretending they are deeply in love with him and claiming they are gutted that he is getting back with Cheryl. I wonder how much these z-list celebs picked up for these silly stories.

Cheryl is still in the USA

There is a fair amount of speculation about why Cheryl has stayed in the US whilst her good buddy Kimberely has already flown out. Some people claim the two have had a fall out but Kimberely hasn't got a black eye so I don't think there's been a fight.

Could Cheryl be preparing to make a shock return to X-factor?  I don't think she has got enough pulling power in the US to be in contention for a return to the show anytime soon.

Some very silly people reckon that Derek has kidnapped her to stop her getting back with Ash but I think he's too much of a wimp to do something like that.

So I can only conclude she has stayed in America to work on a new album with Wil.Iam.

When can I go to a doggie hotel

I keep reading all these stories about 5 Star hotels for dogs yet I've never been to one. What is the point being the countries top celebrity pooch if I'm not allowed to flaunt my wealth and celebrity status.  These hotels should be offering me free holidays in return for all the good publicity by stay would bring them.

Off to a flyer

Ash and the boys have got off to a flying start winning their pre-season friendly with Wycombe, even Torres managed to get a goal.  Hopefully if they can pick up a couple more class players they coud give Man U a run for their money.  United could be in trouble if the papers are right about Rooney thinking of moving abroad but I can't see it myself, Rooney struggles with English let alone trying to grasp a foreign language.

Cheryl regrets divorcing Ash

Cheryl is now telling anyone willing to listen that divorcing Ash was a big mistake. She has also revealed that Ash used to do the ironing and most of the cooking. I can't actually remember witnessing him doing too much ironing or cooking he must have done it when I was having a nap.  I reckon Ash will get his leg pulled by the Chelsea lads now they know he's so domesticated.

Will someone be calling social services?

Posh has finally popped her sprog and now she has burdened it with a bloody stupid name. What kind of name is Harper Seven? I'm sure that in some countries this kind of behaviour would be seen as child cruelty.

Just when things were starting to look up for Ashley at the Bridge one of their star players Hessien has got injured and could be out for 6 months. Roman will have to dig deep in his pocket and buy a new player like Modric to plug the gap otherwise Chelsea will have another poor year.

Hough in a huff

Derek has been sulking with Cheryl because he thinks she getting back togather with Ashley. Why is Derek making such a fuss? He's had plenty of chances to clinch the deal with Cheryl and he never managed to get past first base. He should wake up and smell the coffee and realise that Cheryl has moved on.

LA is clearly the place to be.

Looks like everybody suddenly wants to be in LA. Cheryl is there with her mates, Kate and Wills are there on a royal visit and Posh Spice is there ready to pop out another baby. What is the attraction of LA? Is it the hot weather, is it the opportunity to mingle with famous celebrities or is it the fact it's so easy to write down your location in just two letters?  Being a dog I'll probably never find out unless I'm prepared to spend 6 months in quarantine.

Chezza heads back to LA

Undaunted by all the traumas of her last visit to LA, Cheryl has head back there with a few friends. I suppose it will hep to quell the rumours about her getting bak with Ash.  I wonder if she will bump in to the Hough while she is over there. That would reay get the tongues wagging.

A quiet day for Cheryl

With all the hullaballoo in the papers today Cheryl and Ash have slipped into the shadows for awhile. If the News of the World realy does close on Sunday what will Cheryl find to do with all the time she used to waist reading that rubbish.

Is Cheryl feeling left out.

With more and more people finding out that the News  of the World has been hacking their phones Cheryl must be feeling a bit left out. Surely someone as famous as Cheryl must be worthy of the attention of phone hackers. May be they didn't bother because of her accent.

Ash has been back at work training may be after he's done a bit of excercise he will be too knackered to woo Cheryls. As more experienced players are pensioned off Ash will soon be the old man of the team.

Wedding Bells

In the space of a few weeks Ash and Cheryl seem to have gone from sworn enemies to being on the brink of getting married again. It's still not clear if they are really back in lover or whether Cheryl just wants to piss off Simon and all the other people who have let her down recently.

What happened to lazy Ash

When I shared a house with Ash I soon realised he was a bit lazy but now he's transformed himself into Mr.Active.  First he arranges a party for Cheryl, then he starts talking about opening a bar and restaurant with Jay-Z and today he's telling all the papers how Chelsea will be top dogs again next season.

Stop sticking your noses in.

Why does everyone think that they have the right to stick their noses into Cheryl's private life? If she wants to get back with Ash so what? I seem to think that it was interfering busy bodies who split them up in the first place so why don't these people but out and leave the pair of them to it.

Ash to become a master chef!

Ashley is planning to open a club and restaurant with Jay-z.  What the heck does Ash know about posh nosh? I always say him as a beans on toast or kebab kind of bloke.  I wonder if he's just doing it to impress Cheryl.

There was a dog in the paper wearing shoes, apparently he needs to wear them because he is allergic to grass. How can a dog be allergic to grass. Before we know it all kinds of owners will be rushing out buying dogs posh shoes just so they look trendy.

Happy Birthday

Cheryl has hit 28 today, it's not really a significant age unless you are in a rush to do something before you are 30. Cheryl has probably now got 2 years to crack America before she is considered a bit too old to be a popstar.  30 is always when women start trying for a baby if they have not got one already.

Blonde Bombshell

All the papers seem to like Cheryl's new look but they seem to disagree on why she has done it. Some people think she has done it to mark a fresh start after the X-factor fiasco while others think that she has done it to try and rekindle her relationship with Ashley. Well I suppose we will have to see about that. I'm sure getting her career back on track will be her main prioty at the moment.

Cheryl’s waxwork at Madame Tussauds has been given a make-over to mark her 28th birthday tomorrow – but the former X Factor star’s new haircut has already left the revamp looking so, like, last season. What I can't understand is why they have not done a wax work of me so I can stand next to her in the museum. Now she had had the makeover what will she do now? Will it be a Girls Aloud reunion, a new TV project or will she have ago at acting. I'm sure we will find out very soon.

Louis let off

Little Louis is not going to be charged after a bloke claimed he'd got a biy over familiar in a public toilet.  Louis may have had the benefit of the doubt this time but now the papers have got him in their sights they will be picking over every last detail of his private life.

The patter of tiny feet.

Ashley has clearly got a new PR agent because the papers are full of quotes that only he could have made. One paper makes out that Cheryl regrets get divorced from Ash and wants to get back with him so they can start a family. No way has Cheryl said these things. It sounds like Ash has had some kind of fantasy and it has been reported as fact.

Cheryl turns camera shy.

Cheryl has been to the high court to get an order banning people from taking pictures of her. This seems a bit of a silly thing to do given that she is basically unemployed at the moment. I would have thought she needed as much exposure as possible at the moment to try and open a few doors and get some work. If she's not careful she could be signing on by Christmas.

Is Cheryl heading for Spain?

Ash looks like he's trying to woo Cheryl back by suggesting the pair of them should move to Spain.
Whilst I can see why Ash might fancy Spain with so many good teams over there I'm not sure there is a lot in Spain for Cheryl unless she's planning to launch a cabaret career entertaining pissed up Brits on the Costa Del Sol.  I think Ash might have more of a chance if he offers to move to LA Galaxy. They could then try and crack America together, leaving me in England on my tod.

Ash to splash the cash.

Ashley is now planning a spending spree to win Chezza back. Top of his shopping list is a flotation tank which is meant to help you relax. Ash has never been keen to throw his money around so he must think that he's got a chance at winning her over.

Ashley is still in the firing line.

The papers still seem to be gunning for Ash. All the stories about him start with the phrase 'Love rat Ashley'. When are the papers going to move on? Ash did make mistakes in the past but compared to Ryan Giggs and Wayne Rooney he's practically a saint.

Louis sees to have got into a spot of bother after a bloke said Louis got over familiar with him in a night club toilet. At the rate we are going this years X-factor wil be more like new faces.

Lets trash Ashley.

Looks like the papers are all gunning for Ash. Last week he was praised for taking the rubbish out whilst on holiday yet today the papers are criticising for taking to uch rubbish out. The boys on holiday for goodness sake of course he will create rubbish if he's feasting on pizza and drinking lots of bottled beer, give the bloke a break. He is obviously being trashed because of al the talk about him getting back with Cheryl. The papers would hate it if they hooked up again and everything turned out fine. Papers have to have heroes and monsters and it really doesn't suit their agenda for a monster to turn into a hero.

Put a sock in it Sharon

Sharon has decided to sticj her nose into Cheryl's life claiming that she was only offered the US X-factor job in the first place because the shows producers wanted to keep Simon sweet. Well thank you for sharing that with us you bitter and twisted old bag. Now shut up and get back to stirring your cauldron.

Cheryl is being urged to stay clear of Ash but I'm not sure she will take much notice of al the busy bodies.

Slowdown Ash

Ash has been gobbing off to the papers that he will soon be back together with Chezza. Surely this is the one sure way of messing up any chance he has got of relighting the fire with Cheryl.

For her part Cheryl has been telling the papers that the last couple of weeks have been fairly weird. She can say that again.

It's that time of year again when everyone goes tennis mad, some people are so deluded that they think Andy Murray has got a chance of winning. For him to win at least three other players would need to be struck down by injury and I can't see that happening.

Back with a bang.

Cheryl seems to be hell bent on grabbing as many headlines as she can this weekend, first she announces she is retiring from show business and then there are stories about Ashley spending the night with Ash. All she nneds to do now is declare she's pregnant and Ashley is the father.

The worlds gone GaGa

It looks like Lady GaGa is currently on every TV station, every billboard and in every newspaper and magazine. While a realise she is different to most other acts on the scene at the moment is she really that special? Shes really just a female version of Elton John.

Cheryl bounces back.

Cheryls seems to have finally turned her back on Simon anf the X-factor and joined the BBC. Her new show is going to gohead to head with X-factor so it wil be a good way of finding out how much pulling power she has still got. Go Chezza Go.

Rain, rain go away?

What's with all this bloody rain? I thought it was going to be a hot month with plenty of trips to te park and loads of humping. Everytime I get ready to go out a big black cloud appears and I'm forced to stay in.

Cankle Queen

Looks like Cheryl has gone from number one fashion model and pop-star to being the Cankle queen. The papers are claiming that Cheryl's public battle with the minor foot ailment has seen a 60% rise in the number of people seeking treatment for cankles. I'm sure Cheryl will be chuffed to get thecredit for that.

Frankie boy has popped the question to Christine so we can expect a big fat celeb wedding any time soon. I wonder if I will get an invite?

Cheryl was used to hype X-factor

Nicole's manager claims his client was always going to be a judge on the show and Cheryl was just invited along to spice things up. This would explain why Cheryl has been left feeling so hurt. Lets face it no-one in this country would pay any attention to US X-factor unless Cheryl was involved, it will eventually turn up on ITV2 in the near future and people are bound to have a nosey just to see what al the fuss was about.

Cheryl takes a swipe at Simon

Cheryl has taken a swipe at Simon but sadly she only did it verbally. When announcing the Girls Aloud reunion Cheryl said 'When I make a promise I always stick to it.' Sadly it will be like water off of a ducks back to Simon every time he loses a friend he just replaces the with a couple of pyschophants  who are happy to blow smoke up his arse.

Ash seems to have become very domesticated in the States he was even pictured putting the rubbish out he's obviously trying to send a message to Cheryl to show that he's now house trained if she's thinking of taking him back.

Cheryl's revenge

According to one of the Sunday papers Cheryl is taking dramatic revenge on her ex-boss Simon Cowell by striking a deal with his bitter arch-rival Simon Fuller. Having been humiliated on X-factor Cheryl is going for broke and appearing on Pop Idol. Can you really see that happening.  Among Fuller's clients are are David Beckham, Lewis Hamilton and Andy Murray so he seems to specialise in celebs who have never quite made it or who have made it but are now in decline. Does Cheryl need that kind of help?

The Girls are back in town!

Girl's Aloud could be reforming now that Nadine has offered to bury the hatchet. If she burys the hatchet into Simon's head I'm sure Cheryl will happily get back together with her backing singers again.

Ash seems to be living up on his holiday but I really think he's missing a trick not trying to get back together with Cheryl. If he plays his cards right he could easily win her back especially now she hasn't got Simon whispering in her ear about how she is well shut of Ash.

F - Hoff.

The Hoff has tried to stick the boot into Cheryl by bragging that he's still employed by Cowell and Cheryl isn't. What a tosser. The only reason Simon keeps him on the payroll is because he makes a good stooge. The Hoff is hapy to blow smoke up Cowell's arse as long has Simon keeps paying him big bucks.

Soon forgotten

Cheryl has been quickly airbrushed out of US X-factor and the show carries on like she was never there. Nicole has been showing off that she's now Simon's golden girl.

At long last.

Cheryl has finally seen Simon for what he really is and has said she wants noughing more to do with him. Thank goodness for that, she is well rid of him.

The public seem to have rumbled Simon has well his influence will soon be on the decline.

Oh yes you are.

Simon has finally come clean and admitted he was responsible for Cheryl's sacking but he goes on to claim that he isn't a monster. He may well not be a monster but he certainly is a lying, two faced, ruthless, money grabbing arogant piece of shit.

On Saturday night he spoke to the News of the World claiming that Cheryl had not actually been sacked and that she would be back at work on Tuesday, why did he make such claims when he knew they were all lies? He either did it to try and win back support from the public or to try and stop the new BGT winner grabbing the front page plaudits.

My head is starting to explode.

Last week Cheryl was booted off of US X-factor, yesterday she was getting her job back and today she's lost it again. I just can't keep up. The fact that Simon did all he could to try and get her back to America suggests that he's very nervous about what she might say or do if she stays in Britain. Now that plan B has failed he will have to resort back to plan A and offer her more money to keep her gob shut.

Derek has now ditched Cheryl because he doesn't like the fact that she's been talking to Ashley. I think the real reason he's got cold feet is because he knows that Cheryl is not the force she was 12 months ago. I'm sure he will now go sniffing round other rich single women who can further his career.

The worlds gone mad.

Have I really just been dreaming for the last week. I'm sure that Cheryl lost her job on US X-factor stormed home and vowed never to speak to Simon ever again.  But now Simon is saying she was never sacked and she will be back at work on Tuesday. The video doing the rounds showing how rubbish she was has now disappeared and a new video has been released showing her doing a fantastic job. Can someone just stop the world while I jump off?

Poor Ash

Just when things were starting to look up for Ash he goes out and gets injured. And how rubbish were England after he went off? Two nil down to the Swiss what a nightmare. They managed to pull it back for a scrappy draw but they were truly clueless.

Cheryl is meant to be getting £1m to keep her gob shut but I think it will take more than that to keep her quitet. Simon must be really shitting himself that Cheryl is about to spill the beans on all his dirty little secrets.

Simon throws a tizzy.

Simon is not happy because some nut-job on the Internet has accused him of trying to rig Britain's Got Talent.

You know things are bad when....

Having turned her back on Simon, Cheryl is now turning to Ashley and Louis for support. Cheryl is determined to rebuild her career without the hep of Simon but the trouble is most record companies are scared of Simon so she will need as many friends as possible if she is going to convince record companies to take a risk on her.

Simon claims Cheryl is playing hard to get.

Simon reckons that Cheryl is ignoring all his calls and playing hard to get and refusing to speak to him. Can he really blame her after the way he has treated her?

Simon takes charge of BGT

Simon has ridden in on his trusty charger and rescued BGT. He has spotted potential winners and ensured they get an easy run to the final. He even lectured the rest of the panel tonight about letting so any rubbish acts through to the semis.

Who's calling Cheryl fat?

Cheryl has been told she needs to lose 2 stone to get back on top of her game, but who is calling her fat? She is already super skinny compared to most women so how can she afford to lose two stone?

A woman scorned.

 Cheryl is behaving like a woman scorned telling Simon where he can stick is offer of work on UK X-factor. I hope she sells her story to the papers and tells everyone what a bastard Simon really is. Simon must  shitting himself because Cheryl knows where he hasburied most of the bodies.

Cheryl wants to double her money

Cheryl has told Simon he will have to double her money if he wants to get her to return the X-factor in Britain. I'm sure he will cough up because otherwise this years show will crash and burn.

Now for the fall out

After the shock of Cheryl's dismissal yesterday today we are getting the fall out. Some people have blamed the ruthless TV executives whilst others have placed the blame at the door of Simon. Whether Simon is to blame or not he has done very little to stick up for her honour.

Cheryl has always had an accent, it didn't just appear overnight Simon should have done some market research to see what the American public thought of her before exposing her to the nation so she could become TV road kill.

Having taking a kicking in the states Simon is now trying to sweet talk her into returning to British X-factor. I don't fancy his chances. I think she will kick Simon into touch and re-invent herself either as a singer or chat-show host.

Short and not so sweet.

Cheryl's American dream seems to have ended before it really started. She featured in a trailer for the show on Sunday but now it looks like she's been given he boot because a lot of American's can't understand her Geordie accent.

Cheryl's star continues to fall.

Last year Cheryl won nearly every award going but this year the awards have been few and far between. One poll reckons that Pippa Middleton is more a fashion item thay Cheryl, how can that be true. Most people had not even heard of Pippa until about two months ago so how can she have become a style Icon so quickly? It  just goes to show how fickle members of the public are jumping on every bandwagon that passes.

Dannii Minogue is struggling to find a new job after Simon sacked her, she thought that the BBC would snap her up but she was wrong. Probably her wage demands were too high.

Talking of jobs who will be the next Chelsea boss? Can't see it being the special one or the Barca boss. They won't walk away from cushy jobs to work for Roman knowing that he loses his patience after a year.

It's already getting bitchy.

The judges on X-factor are already falling out with each other Sherzi is busily blowing smoke up the bum of Paula Abdul while giving Cheryl the bums rush. If they don't get on now what will it be like when they start booting each others acts off of the show.

Who are you calling chubby.

Now that Cheryl has gone to the US a number of journalists have lost no time at all bitching about her. Having already slagged off her fashion sense they are now implying that she is putting on weight. Well if Cheryl is considered tubby what hope if there for 95% of women who are fatter than her?

Dump Derek?

Bosses on US X-factor have told Cheryl to dumpr Derek and get a new fitness trainer. Whilst I agrre with the first order  I think telling her to get a new trainer is a bloody cheek. I don't think anyone could call Cheryl fat or unfit. If they don't like who she is dating and her figure and worry about her accent why the heck did they employ her in the first place?

Who the heck is Kelly Rowlands?

Cheryl has been replaced on X-factor by some woman I've never heard of. Apparently she used to be in a group called Destiny Child who used to be a fairly successful group in the good old days. They really must be scraping the barrel. Couldn't they get Geri or Sharon at least people have heard of them even if they are a couple of stupid bitches.

Cheryl fights back.

Cheryl has had a welcome return to form in the fashion stakes beating Paula hands down at the X-factor auditions. Her spotty dress showed off her young slim body and Paula looked a bit old and dated in comparison.

Ganging up on Simon.

Cheryl seems to have teamed up with Paula Abdul to get her own way over Simon. The new dynamic duo think that if they stick together they will  be able to get their way when up against Simon.

What Boob job

Seems to be quite a lot of speculation about the size of Cheryl's boobs with many claiming she's had them enlarged. Having looked at the photo's I'm not convinced but it would explain why she has kept a low profile for the last couple of months. I' sure that she was seen with two bigger tits last year when she was on the X-factor panel. The tit on the left was caled Louis and the tit on the right was called Simon.

Talking of Simon he's just jetted back to Britain to try and breath some life back into BGT so we can expect plenty of controversy and tabloid exclusives to try and get the viewers to tune in.

Cheryl loses first round to Paula

It looks as though Cheryl will have a tough fight stealing the X-factor headlines in the US. After her first appearance with Paula Abdul all the critics claims that Paula looked better. Cheryl is going to have to up her game to outshine the local girl. Any slip ups will be picked up on so she can't take too many risks.

Is X-factor going down the pan?

Most of the papers seem to think that X-factor is going to head down hill pretty fast without Simon, Cheryl and Dannii on the panel. May be that's of Cowell's master plan, run British X-factor into the ground and then ITV will start to show US X-factor in it's place so he can get paid twice for doing the same show. That eeally would be pure genius if he pulled it off.

Another one bites the dust.

First it was Simon, then Cheryl haw Dannii has joined the sinking ship which is X-factor. I can see the show going the same way as BGT with a voting panel that is totally clueless. How will Louis managed to keep things going on his own.

Cheryl is officially vampish

Most of the papers are in agreement that Cheryl looked vampish when she appeared at Cannes. But what the heck does vampish mean? Does it mean she looks like a blood sucking vampire? All that red stuff around her mouth was lip-stick not blood.

Took a look at BGT tonight, I never thought I'd say this but they really need Simon back on the judging panel. Without Simon the three judges behave like headless chickens. At one point Ant and Dec had to tell them to save an act that the judges had given the thumbs down to. Come on panel get a grip.

Cheryl in Cannes

Cheryl has been pictured showing off her chest in Cannes. The paps have been having a field day taking pictures of cleavage, it's nice work if you can get it.

Alesha says no.

Alesha has turned down the opportunity to fill Cheryl's shoes on X-factor prefering instead to stay on 'Strictly.' I think she has probably made the right choice, on Strictly there is less work to do and you are always working with professionals, on X-factor you have to be on duty all the time and far too much of the show is taken up seperating the wheat from the chaff.

Hair today.

Cheryl's big hair is starting a new trend in the US with other celebs starting to copy her style.
Hopefully she has already lined up an advertising deal so she can cash-in on her sudden popularity.

Cheryl does seem to be getting a bit homesick so she is having some home comforts like Hob-knobs.

Bring on the subtitles

Cheryl reckons that the American's won't have any trouble understanding her accent. Well Cheryl most Brit's have trouble with your accent so the Yanks haven't got a chance. Perhaps they will provide subtitles to help them for the first few shows.

Cheryl must be gutted that she has left X-factor over here just when Gary Barlow joins the judging panel.

Cheryl settling down in the USA

Since landing in the States Cheryl seems to have quickly found  her feet, she has been photographed going to te gym and also having her hair done.

Looks like her likely X-factor replaceent in Britain is Alesha Dixon. Hopes she's a better singing judge than she was a dancing judge.

Boo United beat Chelsea.  All I can look forward to now is Barcelona giving United a good thrashing at Wembley.

Don't leave me this way.

According to a very unreliable source Cheryl is off to the states for good. I find this a bit hard to believe firstly because she would miss England too much and secondly she has still not cracked America yet. I really don't think you can commit to another country until you've been there a while. Would she really go all that way without her favourite pooch?

Fergie is getting rattled

Judging by the way Fergie is looking on the TV he appears to be a bit rattled. He knows that if Chelsea win on Sunday the title race is well and truly on. If Chelsea are winning in the dying minutes you can bet he will be pointing at his watch demanding extra time.

All the papers are going on about how happy Cheryl is looking, well she would be wouldn't she with a big contact in America signed and sealed.

Finally

After months of waiting Cheryl has finally got the green light to go and work in the USA with simple Simon. I still can't see why it took so long. Cheryl wanted the job and Simon made it clear he wanted her but he's waited to the 11th hour to confirm she's got the gig. I can only assue it has been all about publicity, until today nearly everyone in the music industry in America has been touted to sit on the judging panel. Now she's got the gig she has to prove she was the right choice.

There has been some bad news for Cheryl however because she is no longer in FHM's top 10 sexiest woman's list.

Why is Cheryl visiting Ashley's mum?

It would appear that Cheryl has been popping round for cozy chats with Ashley's mum but no-one knows why. Could she be planning a reunion with Ash or are they just catching up with gossip? I just wish that Cheryl would spend as much time with me as she does with Ashley's mum.

Simon seems to be spending less time on music at the moment and more time dreaming up new TV shows that will make him even more cash. I can't really blame him for cutting back on music work because most singers now are much of a muchness.

One less title for Cheryl

Last year Cheryl won an award for being the best dressed celebrity but this year she didn't get a mention as the award was given to Harry Potter star Emma Watson. Is Cheryl starting to get the message that the media start to grow cool towards female celebs the older they get. Unless Cheryl starts to re-invent herself pretty sharpish she could disappear completely from the celebrity A-list radar. This time next year she could be playing second fiddle to Pippa Middleton in the popularity stakes.

Who is hacking Simon?

Simon Cowell has called in the FBI to crack the case of hackers breaking into his top-secret computer network, which contained details of his new US - X Factor show. And what our the top secrets apart from how much he is making from the show and how rubbish most of the contestants are? You are running a singing contest Simon not bloody MI6.

If this is not just another pointless piece of publicity and someone really is hacking Simon I hope they are using a very sharp sword.

It's going to be close.

Thanks to the gunners, Chelsea are well and truly back in the hunt. If Ash and the boys can beat United next week it will suddenly be squeaky mum time for Fergie.

Still in with a shout.

After scraping to a 2-1 win over Spurs, Ashley and the boys are back in with a shout of the title. If Arsenal can do us a favour tomorrow it will be game on again, Fergie must be starting to sweat.

Thank god it's all over.

After weeks of wall to wall coverage at last the bloody royal wedding is over. If I can avoid looking at the papers on Saturday I should be free of this garbage.

Is Kate the new Cheryl?

With Cheryl becoming more anonymous by the day is Kate set to replace her as the peoples Princess? While Cheryl has got lots of skeletons in her cupboard Kate is still being portrayed as little miss perfect. If Cheryl finally loses her title as the nation's sweet heart it is bound to hit record sales and advertising contracts. I reckon Cheryl should start to make a play for Prince Harry to try and resurrect her flagging career.

When will this royal wedding be over?

Everywhere I look it's royal wedding this or royal wedding that. It is really starting to bore me now please get on with it so we can have some real news.

Barca gave Real Madrid a real kicking tonight so it looks like it will be Barca V United in the final. Hopefully Messi will score a hat-trick against the Manchester mob.

Silly Lily

Lily Allen is having a major strop on Twitter about the fact that she hasn't been invited to the royal wedding. Why is she making so much fuss? Is she really a big fan of the Royal family or is she just jealous that other singers like Joss Stone have been invited and she hasn't.

99% certain

After all the will she? won't she stories the papers now say Cheryl is 99% certain of being an X-factor judge in the states.

Bring on the eggs.

It's Easter Sunday so where has Cheryl put all my big chocolate eggs?

Up the blues

Chelsea are coming strong on the rails they just need United to start slipping up but the referees are still looking after them denying Everton a clear penaly today.

Watch BGT but seemed a bit boring compared to last week, may be they have peaked too soon.

Dogs. dogs, dogs

The papers are full of dog stories today. An old dear got fined because her dog got to the park before she did, a city high-flyer gave away a dog and then stole it back again and another dog will be putdown ecause it looks viscious.

Cheryl gets clucky!

According to the ever unrealiable Mirror, Cheryl is starting to look a bit clucky when she is around young children. If Cheryl really want's someone to mother why doesn't she spend more time with me? I would love to now how someone looks clucky unless they stick on a chicken suit and start flapping their wings. For the papers any woman who reaches a certain age without having a sprog must be clucky or broody. In the case of Cheryl the sub plot of the story is that at the moment she doesnt have a lot more to do rather than baring children.

Am I bored with all the wedding talk.

You can't watch TV or open a paper at the moment without having to hear or read about this stupid royal wedding. It is really getting on my nerves because it is so boring. Even when Will's does get married he could well be left waiting another 20 years before he gets the chance to be king.