Poor Simon

.According to several papers Simon is not a happy man at the moment because the X-factor acts staying at his Spanish Villa have trashed the joint. Excuse me while I go in search of my Violin. The contestants raided his drinks cabinet and damaged a £10,000 Persian rug. What an idiot  that man is, everyone knows that when riff raff are due to visit your place you hide all he booze and put all the expensive furniture in a safe place. May be it's just an insurance scam on Simon's part so he can get a new drinks cabinet and a posh new rug.

Simon also managed to get his mug in the paper again today after a journalist from 'The Sun' handed him a petition asking him to allow Shirlena Johnson return to the show. It's hard to see what 'The Sun' is upto given that they were the first paper to bring her mental health to the publics opinion. Either they want to try and show Simon how powerful they can be at whipping up public opinion or may be they are worried that they might get a slap on the wrist for questioning her mental state in the first price. Knowing Simon he probably asked 'The Sun' to run the campaign to get her back on the show so he could bring her back without looking as though he's trying to exploit her.

Simon Sticks his nose in again.

After spending ages nagging Cheryl to ditch Ashley, Simon has now taken a dislike to her latest beau. He has publicly decared that Cheryl should ditch Derek. Who the heck does he think he is? Is is trying to be Cheryl's surrogate father? I'm sure she's big enough and old enough to decide who she wants to go out with.
May be Simon should just provide her with a list of men who he thinks are suitable partners for her.

The feak show part 2.

Given how little I see of Cheryl in the flesh these days I'm now forced to watch X-factor to catch a glimpse of her. Last nights show was another freak show just like last week. There was a god awful act trying to impersonate Michael Jackson, the crowd and the judges took an instant dislike to him yet Simon still asked him to sing another song. Despite all the freaks the show did unearth at least one good act who has been labelled the new 'Susan Boyle' in other words a good singer who is not much of a looker. She might squeeze into the last 12 but I don't really thingSimon is looking for another middle aged singer. He wants and probably needs a boy band or a girl band to emerge from the show. 

Simon is increasingly turning into some kind of Roman emperor lifting his hand to stop acts singing and last night he even ordered one act to take her shoes off before performing.

Cheers Louis

Blabber mouth Walsh has been going round claiming that there is nothing wrong using a special microphone to enhance a singers voice and says that even Cheryl uses it. How dare he imply that Cheryl needs special technology to improve her voice. Doesn't he know that Cheryl is the most gifted singer this country has ever produced?

Glad I'm not a cat.

Having read the papers and watched the news this week it would appear that it is now legal in this country to throw live cats into wheelie bins and leave them for 15 hours. I do hope that people don't now start doing this to small dogs. I know our postman would just love to throw me in a wheelie bin and leave me there.
At least if I was binned I could bark loud enough to get the attention of people walking nearby.

Rainy days and Wednesdays are always getting me down.

I was hoping for a bit of action down at the park today but it has been raining all day so finished up stopping in all day watch rubbish TV. Cheryl's mum is a big fan of 'Heir Hunters' she likes the idea of getting a lot of money for doing nothing.

When will Simon learn to keep his nose out?

After Cheryl announced she was heading back to LA to work on her album Simon butted in to say she should stop at home and rest. Doesn't he know that resting is for wimps? If Cheryl had to sit around resting all day it would drive her up the wall.

No more nutters.

Simon has let it be known via his mouth piece that any acts with mental health issues will be thrown off of X-factor. Surely if he applied that rule to everyone who turned up at the auditions it would excluded 90% of those misguided wannabees that turn up.  I think Simon wants to keep in the nutty ones for the auditions to keep the show entertaining but not allow them to get through to boot camp where their frailties will start to show.

The cats out of the bag.

Now that the X-factor production crew have revealed that the microphone can improve a person's singing the cat is now out of the bag. People will now start looking for all the other signs that show that the programme is doctored for entertainment. Do the public really believe that untrained singers will jump on the stage and be word perfect at the first attempt. If it was like that we would all be recording artists.

Put a sock in it.

Simon has yet again let it be known that he wants Cheryl and Dannii to be tougher on their acts this year. Why should Cheryl change her approach given that she has won the show for the last two years. On the other hand Simon seems to do nothing but fall out with acts, causing them to have tantrums, change sons midweek and then get knocked out.

The tabloids have not been too kind on the first show claiming that acts have been given a microphone to maketheir voices appear better than they actually are. I've be more convinced of this argument if most of the acts weren't so dire. Surely if they had been using a special mic they wouldn't have been so poor.

The freak show returns.

After a 8 month wait the freak show that is the X-factor has returned. Tonights show had the usual array of odd balls including Geri. What I can't understand is why the rubbish act always get twice as much air time as the good acts. I do enjoy watching Simon's eyes when an act comes on who he can see will make lots of money one way or another.

Chelsea had another stormer tonight stuffing Wigan 6 nil. At the rate they are going they will be champions by Easter. Sir Alex seems to be wasting too much energy mouthing off about Man City to concentrate on the real competition. 

Who are you calling a spoilt brat?

In the first show of the new series of X-factor Simon had the audacity to call Cheryl a 'spoilt brat'. What a complete cad that man is. Cheryl has dragged herself from humble beginnings to where she is today while Simon has always had it cushy and now lives like Lord Snooty surrounded by flunkies and yes men who jump when he clicks his fingers. There is only one spoilt brat on X-factor and that is Simon.

It's nearly X-factor time gain.

Cheryl will soon be back where she belongs on the judging panel of X-factor on prime time TV. Some critics have already been shown a sneak preview of the first show which was recorded before Cheryl fell sick. Critics seem to agree that Geri was extremely annoying and that Cheryl was a good as usual.

I had a message on the ansaphone from Cheryl to say that she is not really planning to sell the house at the moment, she just had it valued to see how much is worth so that she can work out the value of all her and Ashley's assets.  Obviously the media have put two and two together and made six.

Nobody asked me if I wanted to move.

According to that extremely reliable gutter rag, 'The Sun'. Cheryl is planning to sell the house and buy a place on the West side of London because it will be more convenient for work and for getting to and from the airport so she can see Derek on a regular basis. I can't say I'm to fussed about moving to the posh part of London because the house is likely to be smaller and all the bitches will be so up themselves that I won't get a look in. My sex life will consist of sucking my knob and the odd sympathy shag from Coco.

Just as I was getting over that shocking piece of news I then read in the Mail that Cheryl and Derek aren't really an item at all and that it is all a big scam to confuse the papparazzi. Surely clever wouldn't go to all that trouble just to get one over on the press. Next they will be claiming that the entire Malaria scare was also a scam.

Chelsea to help Ashley lower his profile.

The top brass at Chelsea are worried that Ashley may quit the club because of all the negative media coverage he gets and because of all the boo-boys. So there solution is to get a PR firm to help him lower his profile. In other words they are paying shed loads of dosh to a bunch of PR whizz-kids who will just advise Ash to go out less and avoid the papparazi. It's hardly rocket science is it. Or will they get him to donate his kidney give more money to charity or become a born again, Christian?

Move on Cheryl nobody cares.

Cheryl has decided to give an interview about what is was like having malaria but does anyone really care. When she appeared to be at death's door it was big news but then she made a quicker than expected recovery and most of her fans felt slightly duped. The best thing she could do is move on and start talking about the future.

Another wannabe celeb is trying to ge her 15 minutes of fame by claiming to be in a relationship with Ash. The chances are that she is more of a stalker than his lover but the papers are happy to print this kind of drivel if it is handed to them on a plate.

Cowell's publicity campaign for the new series of X-facor has gone into overdrive with lots of silly stories about Cheryl and Dannii, yesterday Simon wanted them to be tougher, today there is even talk that Simon might replace one or either of them. This is clearly all just hype to keep pople interested until the show is actually back on air.

Simon has a go at Cheryl and Dannii

Music mogul and X Factor boss Simon Cowell has asked girl judges Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue to be harder on the singers and not to consider the show a beauty contest, given that Cheryl's acts have won the last two series perhaps it's Simon who needs to be harder on his acts. Cheryl and Dannii are not there to give singing lessons that is what the voice coaches are meant to do.

Looks as though Derek's mum has been blabbing to the papers about her so being in a relationship with Cheryl, when will Cheryl put a stop this game of Chinese whispers and announce once anf for all if the two of them are an item. Even a message on the answerphone would at least keep me in the picture.

Cheryl has told one paper that she doesn't like the way in which Ashley has become a hate figure since she gave him the order of the elbow. I thought Ash was a hate figure well before that, many Londoners hated him for playing for Chelsea, many people hated him after he moaned about ony get £50,000 a week when he played for Arsenal, many blokes hated him for having such an attractive wife, and many photograpers hated him because he nevered smiled.  But I'm sure Ash is really gad you reminded the media that he is a hate figure. With out such regular reminders some journalists could easily forget.

Sticking with Cole.

Despite all the talk of reverting to Tweedy, Cheryl has decided to stick with Cole when it comes to her new album. While she has fallen out of love with Ash, she still seems to be in love with his surname.

Ashley's season has started with a bang knocking 6 past West Brom, that will have wiped the smile off of Adrian Chile's face.

It's official Cheryl and Derek are an item.

Well according to Brian the choreographer on X-factor Cheryl and Derek have told people working on the show that they are a couple and that they are very happy together. So it mst be true then! Well I for one wont be convinced until Cheryl sells the story along with pictures to OK magazine or Hello. Perhaps she is in the process of negotiating a deal right now. Modern romance is a very complicated thing well for human's any way.  I'm very lucky that I can go down to the park whenever I like and hump a bitch without my face being splashed across all the national papers.

Another admirer for Cheryl!

Another celeb has revealed he fancies Cheryl, this time it was little Justin Bieber. If she went out with him he would be more like a mascot than a boyfriend.

Beck's has been publicly kicked into touch by Fabio who has basically said that Golden Balls is now too old to play for England. If Fabio realy does think that age is a barrier to success in football will he retire at 65 and go back to Italy and draw his pension or will he stay on the FA gravy train.

Ashley, John Terry and Peter Crouch are being blamed for costing England £20m in sponsorship, I think that is a tad harsh on Crouchy who didn't actually start dipping his wick in a tart until a few weeks ago. If England have lost sponsors it is probably more down to their pisspoor performance on the pitch rather than the late night antics of a few of the randier players. I'm sure there are plenty of companies that would love to be associated with a team made up of players who can run their socks off for 90 inutes and still have the energy to go off and shag a lover all night. I wish I had all that energy. I did like it when some one asked Crouchy what he would be if he wasn't a footballer and he replied 'a virgin' 

Out with the old in with the new.

Could Ashley's international career be drawing to an end? He started for England tonight but was replaced at half time by a player ten years younger. If Fabio is really starting to prepare for the World Cup in 4 years time Ashley and the other senior players could soon be pensioned off.

Simon lets it all hang out!

After spending most of his holiday breathing in every time a camera was close by Simon has finally been photographed wit his belly showing. With all the money he's got I don't know why he's not invested in some liposuction to get rid of his paunch. What's the point being rich but looking tubby?

The football transfer merry go round has stil not kicked off yet. We've had lots of relatively cheap transfers but not many in the £20m region. Real Madrid have bought Calvalio for about a third of the price they would have needed to pay for Ashley but all the big transfers seem to be have been put on hold for now. All these billionaires need to start investing more cash in players if the want the premier league to remain the best in the world. 

Ash puts his foot in it again.

Apparently the media think that Ash has snubbed Fabio because he failed to shake his hand after Chelsea lost in the Charity Shield. What a silly suggestion having watched the clip on TV it was clear that Ash was so knackered after climbing the Wembley steps that he'd not got enough energy to shake hands.

Wedding bells for Cheryl?

Most of the papers now seem to think it's only a matter of time before Cheryl and Derek tie the knot. The only problem with this piece of wishful thinking on the part of the tabloids is that Cheryl is still married to Cheryl and is unlikely to help speed up the divorce if he thinks that it will allow Cheryl to get hitched again.
After all the hassle Cheryl has had over the last couple of years surely she would  like to be single for a while rather than rushing into wedlock again.

Ashley's dream move to Spain now seems to be off after the 'Special One' admitted that Chelsea wouldn't do a deal. Realistically this is Ashley's last chance of a big move because by next year he will be considered too old for a big money switch. Is only hope now is that Barcelona step in with a late bid, they have clearly had their noses pushed out of Cesc so they might want to save face by landing a player that Real Madrid couldn't get.

About six months ago Ash was a national hate figure after he was caught playing away from home but since then many of his England colleagues have proved that he's really an amateur when it comes to cheating on his partner. John Terry proved to be a real cad sleeping with a team-mates girlfriend and now Peter Crouch has been caught banging a hooker in Spain. Sadly for Peter he seema to have found the only hooker in Madrid who has her very own PR advisor who told her that shagging Crouchy would be good for her career and her bank balance.

Simon poses for the cameras again!

While every one stook in Britain is left looking up at cloudy skys, Cowell has yest again got the paparazi to take lots of flattering pictures of him and his lady friend looking cool whizzing across the sea on Jetski's. Why oh why does he continue to try and pretend to members of the public that he is some kind of macho super hero. Everyone who really knows him knows that he's really a bit of a wimp who runs a mile at the sight of a spider.

Cheryl's getting retail therapy

I'm not usually a believer in therapy especially after Cheryl made me visit a pet therapist for nearly a year but even I can see the attraction of retail therapy. The only thing Cheryl needs to watch about being photographed out shopping in LA because in the next few weeks she will have to walk through the nothing to declare gate when she returns to England.

Ashley's future is still confused with Real Madrid claiming they are going to buy him and Chelsea adament that he's going nowhere. With Wayne Bridge set to leave Man City to Liverpool that could open the possibility of Ash moving to Eastland's. I'll be glad when the transfer window finally closes and all this speculation comes to an end.

Cheryl's Dinner date with Derek

Within hours of reporting Cheryl was having a relapse the same paper then went on to report about how Cheryl was glowing when she went out to dinner with Derek at  a posh restaurant.What a remarkable recovery she must have had. I've still not sussed out if they are an item or whether he is just a companion who she is using to open doors for her career in the US.

Cheryl's old sparring partner Lily Allen is having a sprog, this will probably get Cheryl all broody again. I still think that when Cheryl finally does decide to have kids she will do what most celebs do and adopt from abroad. She will be able to pick the prettiest kid on offer and enjoy all the pleaures of motherhood but without all the stretch marks and the breastfeeding.

Ashley still seems keen to leave Chelsea which should come as know surprise given how poorly they are playing at the moment. Too many of the team are still recovering from the World Cup and players like Lamps are too loved up to properly concentrate on football. Chelsea will really need to move up a gear this year especially now it looks like the scouse mob are about to get a new owner and cash for new players.

What a drag.

After Wayne Rooney was pictured the worse for wear with a fag in his mouth the papers have been scouring their picture archives to find other England players who have the ocassional and surprise, surprise Ashley's picture has emerged. What is the point having a go at him for smoking when it clearly doesn't effect his performance on the pitch. Some young players may get the idea that smoking may help them perform as well as Ash. I do think that Ash often volunteered to take me for a walk so he could have a crafty fag on the way home. Cheryl smokes as well but she is always careful never to spark up when the cameras are around her.


One of Cheryl's backing singers Sarah Harding is ridding herself of a few demons. The star and her DJ fella Tom Crane have checked in for a spa break at Champneys' Tring and we're told: "She and Tom party hard and have massages and purifying wraps to banish all their toxins.  Why do they have to make such a public thing of it surely they could just stop at home and drink lots of water and eat plenty of fruit.

The Daily Star claims that Ash and Cheryl's divorce will be finalised in a couple of days, but given how piss poor the paper as become at getting reliable celebrity gossip the divorce might just be complete by Christmas!

Is Cheryl really house hunting in Hollywood?

Now that Cheryl is back on her feet again the rumour mill is working overtime again. Last week it was all about when she will return to X-factor, this week it's been about when and if the Girls will get back together and also about if Cheryl is planning a move to the states.

Even if she does buy a place in Hollywood it doesn't really mean much, may be the exchange rate at the moment makes buying property over there more attractive. Cheryl may also just be fed up with all the publicity she gets in the UK so is keen to spend a bit more time in America where she can have more privacy. Equally she is a bit of a nosey cow so she might just be just taking the opportunity to have a good look around some desirable Hollywood pads on the pretext that she might be in the market to buy.

Stress relief on four legs.

New research has found that petting a dog is the best cure for stress. Obviously I've always known this but I hope that Cheryl reads this story then she might realise that she would be better spending more time with me than Derek.

Having whisked her over to America, Derek is starting to look like a bit of a cheap skate, he offered to take her out for a Subway Sandwich. Ashley has a reputation as a skin-flint but even he wouldn't sink that low. Next thing you know he will be buying her a happy meal.

Todays silliest story is that Cheryl and Katy Perry have offered to organise Simon's stag night, like that is ever going to happen! He would have to pop the question before they can start planning for a wedding.

Ashley doesn't seem to be going anywhere fast with the Godfather saying that he's not for sale. It's not clear if he really means it or whether he's just trying to push up the asking price.

Derek the hero?

After blaming himself for taking Tanzania where she caught Malaria Derek is now being hailed as a hero for saving her life. Cheryl claims that it was Derek who made her get extra tests at the hospital after doctors had orginally said that she only had flu . So he's back up from zero to hero again.

Ashley is publicly pushing for a transfer which is not a good idea because if teams know he wants out they will hold off with the big bids and wait until the last minute to go in for him.

There's more tittle tattle in the tabloids about Nadine and Girls Aloud, at least one misinformed journalist says she won't sing with the group again but I know straight from the horses mouth that such a claim is bollocks.