Ashley puts his foot in it.

Just when certain parts of the media were starting to fall back in love with Ash he goes and puts his foot in it by sending some very text messages slagging off the English.

Cheryl has marked her birthday dropping more hints that she wants to go and work in the US, it seems she fancies appearing on 'Dancing with the Stars', partnering her latest beau Derreck Hough. I'm not too sure it's such a wise career move gien that most Brits who have been on the show have done quite badly.

Ash back in the news.

Ashley seems to be all over the papers today, he appears to have committed the unforgiveable crime of having a laugh and a joke with Shaun -Wright Philips while getting off of a plane. What do the papers want our players to do slit their own wrists or join a monestary? May be he was just laughing at the fact that there wasn't a firing squad waiting for them on their return. Lets face it England were never going to win the cup, if Germany hadn't beaten us then Argentina would have. Let's move on and put all the nations hopes and expectations on Andy Murray at Wimbledon.

Ash is also in the paper because his new woman/stalker has kissed and told to two magazines while he's been out of the country. Her stories actually paint Ash in a good light but it's hard to take this woman seriously given she has probably not seen him for about 6 weeks unless he has been sending her pictures on his phone!

They are having more fun and games at the X-factor auditions with Katy Perry claiming she finds Cheryl really hot. Isn't Katy famous enough without trying to boost her profile on the back of Cheryl?
I'm sure Cheryl is really flattered that other women find her a turn on but it's not going to sell her any extra records or land her more advertising work.

What happened to fight fight fight?

At today's X-factor auditions in Dublin, Cheryl seems to have given up with out a fight in the fashion wars. Katy Perry arrived in a stylish sophisticated dress and Cheryl wore a khaki playsuit! It was like the USA V England all over again. Come on Cheryl give that yank a run for her money.

The inquest has begun on England's abysmal performance at the World Cup. The press blamed the manager who in turn blamed the players. Fabio is saying that the players were too tired I don't think that will go down with people who work 50 hours a week and earn a fraction of what footballers earn. On paper even claimed that Rooney lost his strength after shaving the hair from his chest. I really do think they are clutching at straws. Luckily Ashley seems to have avoided much of the flak because supporters realise he did put more effort in than many of the other players. Hope he will pay us a visit when he lands back in the UK.

Something new to Hough and puff about.

Despite the Sundies being full of stories about the England  V Germany game there was clearly lots of space left to fill because there was even more twaddle about Cheryl and her new man. Apparently he is so much in love with Cheryl that he is planning to move to this country to be with her. This story might be true or else he could just be rushing to get his feet under the table becore the government tightens it's immigration policies. I judging by all the dancing acts on BGT I don't really think this country is short of dancers at the moment. Any way didn't all the papers recently claim he was moving over here because he had a job on Strictly Come dancing. I wish they would stick to one story rather than making new ones up whenever they are short of copy.

Kimberely made a fool of herself today while walking around London. she bevame so lost she had to ask a stranger where she was. If only she had a reliable pet dog like me she would have no such problems.

Looks like Ashley will becoming home early after we were thrashed by the old enemy Germany. All te blame is being put on the defence but if the strikers were scoring more goals the odd effor in defence would not have much effect on the final score.

What a coincidence Ronney will return to England just when the new Shrek fim is being launched!

Cheryl is worried that sexy text she sent to Will.Iam may fall into the wrong hands after the rapper had his mobile stolen. Surely goodt two shoes Cheryl hasn't been getting up to the same tricks as Ashley!




Cheryl  claims she spends £1000 a day just to look good, people must think she look a real dog without all that slap on.

Louis puts the boot in.

Louis Walsh is obviously trying to toughen up his image by turning all nasty at the X-factor auditions. When some talentless wannabee butchered one of Cheryl's songs Louis poked fun at Cheryl by saying the singer san it just like Cheryl. Rather than rush to her defence like a true gentleman Simon just smirked. What a pair of tossers. Over the years Simon anf Louis have produced tons of crap records with rubbish singers so how have they got the brassneck to slag off Cheryl? Cheryl needs to cop off with a real hard nut who could give Louis and Simon a real pasting the next time they step out of line.

I'm going to be spoilt for choice this weekend when it comes to sport. There will be wall to wall football and also the chance to see some well fit women playing tennis at Wimbledon what more could a red blooded male ask for?

What's in a name?

Simon has been sticking his nose in Cheryl's affairs, apparently during the X-factor auditions he told the audience that she would now be known as Cheryl Tweedy. All the lemmings in the audience took this as their cue to give around of applause. So what were they actually clapping the fact that she is divorced or the rebirth of girl power. Simon knows that Ashley will not like reading a story like this a few days before England's biggest game in four years. If England lose to the old enemy I hope Simon will cop for some of the flak.

No one likes a show off.

I can't believe that Cheryl was silly enough to turn up at the X-factor auditions in a bloody helicopter. The day after the government called on every one to tighten their belts Simon arranges for the judges to arrive in style what a plonker. The public know that Simon and Louis are loaded there is no point rubbing the publi's noses in it. Apparently Louis stormed out of the auditions the day before after a row with Cheryl and Simon, presumably Simon thought having them pictured arriving together would show that everything is back to normal.

After days of speculation Simon's girlfriend has flown into Briton to stay with him. Simon conveniently let on that he had paid for her first class flight from America and arranged or her to be picked up in a Rolls Royce. That's all very swanky but surely having not seen her for a month he could have made the effort to go to the airport himself and met her off te plane. Is there any wonder he has never got married if he treats women like this.

Ashley played another stormer today but England still made hard work of beating a fairly poor team and nowe they have got to go and play the German's again with Argentina likely to play the winners in the quarter finals.  Even if England lose Ash shoul have set himself up with the chance of a big money move to Spain.

Back to the day job.

Cheryl has been mingling with fans outside the X-factor auditions in London. The fact that she was smiling has been seen as a sign that she is happily in love. She could also be smiling because she is earning an outrageous amount of money for doing very little work. There were no comments on Simon's appearance or on his on off relationship which appears very much off at the moment,.

Plastic surgeons claim that dozens of fans are eager to get a dimple just like Cheryl's, although the procedure is far from cheap most fans are prepared to take the cost on their chins.

It was far too hot in the park today, I spotted a number of bitches who were clearly up for it but I just couldn't summon up enough energy or enthusiasm to oblige. I could really do with a nice pleasant rain shower to help me get back my mojo.

Cheryl's back from her hols but where's my present.

Cheryl has returned with Dereck but I've still not seen my present. All the papers are speculating over whether the trip was a success. Well the only way to tell be to see if the pair of them are still togetherin 6 weeks time.  Cheryl has also let it be known that she is not going to give up her without a fight. If she really loves the house so much why doesn't she spend more time in it?

The boys in South Africa are in a rebellious mood, after spending the last two years singing Fabio's praises they are now blaming him  for all the current problems. Is it really his fault that a bunch of overpaid footballers can't string a couple of passes together. At least the boys have not copied the French going on strike, having said that most of our players seems unable to strike.

Leave Cheryl alone.

If Cheryl thought that heading off to Tanzania was a good way of avoiding the media she was wrong, several of the downmarket Sunday tabloids have get pictures of her with Dereck on her not very secret holiday. I can only assume a few photographers got a bit bored with the football and headred of to Tanzania for some rich pickings. One of those African countries should pass a law that allows members of the public to shoot members of the Paparazzi on sight if they are invading peoples privacy. I'm sure that hunting celebrity snappers would soon become a popular past-time for tourists.

Cheryl has also been picking up flak for admitting that she once took out a loan from a money lender so she could buy things to help her become famous. What's the big deal everyone has to borrow money at some point I don't  think the banks would be een to help a teenage wannabee by make up and a pair of hair straighteners, the dole wouldn't give you an emergency loan so it would be a money lender or nothing. It must be a bit embarrassing for her mum though who has always claimed she funded Cheryl's early career.

The morrning after the night before.

The England team got a roasting in the papers today, Ash got off quite lightly with most papers giving him 6 out of 10. Rooney copped for most of the flack because he swore at fans while the cameras were following him. What a muppet he should no better than swearing in public. You know things are bad when the papers start to argue that it's time to bring back Sven!

Cheryl's new powers

Cheryl has the power to determine sexuality according to Fergie from the Black-Eyed Peas. Apparently she is so beautiful that she could persuade a straight girl to become a lesbian and a gay man to become heterosexual. I know she's a looker but I don't think her powers are as special as that, they certainly haven't worked with the two male judges on X-factor.

Why oh why, did I bother to watch the England match? That must be the most dire game I've ever watched. Ashley played well but Rooney and Heskey couldn't have scored in a brothel tonight. Have England gone for the wrong Italian manager?

I read in one paper today that a dog was left a house and £3m by his owner in  will. When will I ever have that kind of luck?

Home alone again!

Looks like madam's abandoned me again while she goes swanning of with her new beau. I don't mind her taking a holiday but why can't she holiday in the UK so that she can take me along. Who want's to go on holiday to Tanzania? It's not as though it's famous for anything. I think the only reason they have gone there is because they know the paparazzi won't be too keen to travel there.

Any one but Piers

Cheryl has apparently agreed to do an interview with Piers Morgan all her marriage break up. Why has she chosen to gie him the interview he is so smarmy. He's got form for slagging off Ash so you can bet it will be a one-sided interview where all the blame will be placed at Ashley's door with no right of reply. If Cheryl keeps agreeing to interviews like this she will be seen as being just like Jordan trying to cash in on her marital breakdown.

Poor,poor Kimberley

According to a story in the very reliable Daily Mail, Kimberley Walsh claims that shopping for jeans drives her to tears. Oh didums. Well here's a bit of advice Kim, either stop buying jeans if it really is that traumatic or keep buying them but stop bleating to the press about how stressful it is. I don't think many people who have recently lost their jobs  or face losing their homes will have a great deal of sympathy for an over-paid acking singer who has nothing to do all day apart from going shopping.

The hacks have been out in force sticking the boot into the outfits that Cheryl, Natalie and Konnie have been wearing at the X-factor auditions. Cheryl was slagged off for wearing something boring while Natalie committed the ultimate fashion crime of wearing the same outfit for two days in a row. Sorry but what a silly story they are in bloody Birmingham it's not the bloody fashion capital of the world, it's not even the fashion capital of the West Midlands. If journos are spending so much time on such non-stories I can only assume that most of the acts at the auditions are fairly dire.

The reporter on Sky Sports news took a pop at Ash today, while reporting he was now back in training after resting yesterday, the he said at 31 it took Ashley longer to recover than most.

Cheryl's got a stalker

Cheryl has found herself back in headlines after an enthusiastic fan tried to grab her after the auditions in Birmingham, if I'd been in Cheryl's bg I woud have given the stalker a real nip. With all the mentalist that X-factor seems to attract like moths to a light buld Cheryl really needs more security.

You know it's a quiet news day when the papers have ago at Cheryl for using fake tan. What is she supposed to do to get a tan at short notice? She can't lay about on the beach all day because the paparazzi won't leave her alone, sun beds are too dangerous so the only option is fake tan or marmite. I suppose if she wore marmite st least the stalkers would keep their distance.

A week is a long time in celebrity gossip.

Last week lots of ill-informed journalists were claiming that Cheryl was planning an anti-world cup party to coincide with England's game with the USA yet none of the papers have come forward with any evidence to suggest such a party ever took place. In fact the papers have performed a huge 'U' turn by reporting that Cheryl actually sent Ash a good luck text before the match.

Well if she did wish him good luck it still didn't stop England conceding a goal that even I could have saved.
 After the game Steven Gerrard said: "The whole team is behind Rob Green." With hindsight, that's a good place to stand.  Despite the poor result Ash had a good game and with that blip out of the way England can now concentrate on thrashing the other two teams in their group to stay in the competition.

Simon Cowell's wedding is now officially on the back burner after the man himself told a TV show that the wedding could take place any time in the next 10 years. Surely with in 10 years he will have achieved world domination and he will have been able to come out of the closet once and for all. 

Fortress Cheryl

According the Mirror, Fortress Cheryl, is a team of family and advisers who are protecting Cheryl from te advances of male suitors. One of the key members of the team is the poisoned dwarf who having seen off Ashley now wants to ensure that any new boyfriend is husband material. Well I suppose she is doing the blokes a favour because their would be nothing worse than hitching up with Cheryl only to discover that she comes as part of a job-lot with her psycho mother and bad boy brother. The article also mentioned how Cheryl uses a psychic from Newcastle to help her take decisions. Well now she's revealed that information if she does make any bad decisions she can blame it on the psychic.

Cheryl will be less than pleased to hear that Simon is lining up more glam celebs to act as judges on the X-factor. The latest beauties to be put in he frame are Katy Perry and Pixie Lott. Cheryl has tried all along to stop singers who are prettier than her or more talented than her from appearing on the show but she appears to have failed.

The ginger one gets booed.

According to that very reliable newspaper the Daily Mail, Geri has not won over X-factor fans, during the auditions some fans even booed her. To rub salt into the wound they even started chanting bring back Dannii. I wonder if Cheryl emloyed rent a mob and paid them to give Geri a hardtime.

Excitement is really mounting with only 24 hours to go to England's first match. Even some of the posh houses around us have got their flags flying. Not so sure about the large 8 foot inflatable fans that are springing up in loads of gardens. Lets just hope we beat the US or the country will enter a short period of mourning which could last until the next world cup starts.

They wanted fireworks but got damp squids

After all the hype and speculation the big cat fight between Geri and Cheryl never happened. Geri was clearly happy just to be back on telly again and Cheryl was too knackered after all the work she has done over the past 12 months so the two of them battled out a lame nil nil draw. Lets just hope England fair a little better on Saturday night or else the boys will be coming home early.

There's still much speculation over Cheryl jetting off South Africa tomorrow to link up with Will.Iam but I'm not convinced, most of the messages on her answer phone suggest she is stay put for the next few days. I can't really see Cheryl wanting to head of on a plane full of England fans any time soon. If she does head off to South Africa she will just have to hope she is not on the list of hooligans and known troublemakers that has been given to the South African police by their British counter-parts.

Why is Cheryl looking glum?

One newspaper website has a picture of Cheryl looking glum when she turned up at the X-factor auditions today, and asked the question why is she looking glum? Here are just a few suggestions I'd like to throw into the mix.

i.    She was in Glasgow.
ii.   The weather was bloody awful.
iii    She knows 90% of acts will be awful.
iv    She's got to spend the day with Geri and Simon.
v     She's starting to miss Ashley.
vi    She's drawn England in the World Cup sweepstake.
vii    She's knackered.
viii   A combination of any of the above.


Money must be getting tight at Chelsea Joe Cole and Michael Ballack have both been released after the club refused to meat their excessive pay demands, Ash is probably OK at the moment but I was him I'd jump at the chance of a move to Real Madrid if Jose comes knocking.

Enjoyed Junior Apprentice this evening hope that Cheryl or Ash spotted to two dog products that one of the teams was selling. I'd love the luxury do chair and the idea of being transported everywhere in my own little buggie appeals. If I don't have to walk all the way to the park I will have a lot more energy when I get there to service any fit bitches who may be in need of some love action.

Big Brother enters it's last series tonight but I'm only going to watch it if Cheryl is here to watch it with me. Watching BB on your own really does make you look very sad indeed.

Cheryl voted Woman of the year.

Despite of, or may be because of all her troubles Cheryl has been voted Woman of the year. She turn up to collect the award looking all glam but the bitches at the Daily Mail managed to get a dig in about her looking thinner than ever. Of course she is going to look thin given all the stress she is under and all the hours she works in a day.

While Cheryl will clearly be over the moon to pick up another gong from a fashion magazine I bet she was as sick as a parrot when she found out that Geri Helliwell has been asked to be a guest judge on X-factor. Cheryl doesn't like any competition in the glamour stakes on the panel so she will have had a few harsh words for Simon when she spoke to him.

Much as been made in the papers about Cheryl snubbingthe Word Cup but now it turns out she's performing in a concert in South Africa to lauch the World Cup. So as I said all along the papers were clearly talking bollocks.  That reminds me it's time to head to my basket for a suck on my dick and a little snooze.

Will I be going house hunting?

According to a very unreliable source Cheryl and Derek are about to go house-hunting in the UK. Derek is thinking of getting a house over here because he'sgoing to do some work on 'Strictly Come Dancing' and Cheryl wants a new gaff because this house hold too many unhappy memories for her.(I didn't realise se had spent enough time in the house for it to hold any memories for her either happy or unhappy) Whilst I clear be sworn to a vow of secrecy about the location of any new home I will keep you all informed about the areas they are looking in.

Old big head Cowell will now be even bigher head now he's landed  couple of BAFTA's. Lets face it even though most of the shows he makes scrape the barrel at the moment most of the competition is even more dire. I did notice however Simon had an ex-girlfriend on his arm at the ceremony raher than his current beau what's that all about then? Is he having second thoughts? Will I be missing out on a doggie bag?

Ash has sent me and Coco a couple of dog coats with the England flag on the side but I'm not sure if Cheryl will let us where them. I'll definitely try and wear it in Saturday if Cheryl insists on having her silly Divorce party during the England game.

Cheryl Lookalike

It must be  slow news day today because the News of the World has a big splash on it's front page claiming that Ash is dating a Cheryl-lookalike. By lookalike they actually mean that she's small and thin and has long hair. As Ash is over in South Africa plying football it is hard to see why this story really warrants such a big spread. Any one would think the paper was trying to derail England's chances of winning the cup.

Not to be out done the Sunday Mirror is running it's own silly story claiming that Cheryl is going to hold a divorce party while England are playing the USA next Saturday and she is going to ban guests from watching the game. I really don't believe that Cheryl is really that stupid to run the risk of being photographed having a good time if there is any chance of losing a world cup game. That would be guaranteed to lose her a lot of support in this country. Some of her recent behaviour is already starting to annoy some of her loyal fans and i she's not carefully she could easily fall off of her pedestal.

Dancing Derek has spoken out claiming that Cheryl is the girl for him, to paraphrase Mrs Merton, 'Derek what first attracted you to rich pop star Cheryl Cole?'

Simon Scowl.

Sir Simon of Scowl is not a happy bunny. He's been moaning about the poor standardof the acts in this years BGT. But surely he's partly to blame for throwing sickies during the auditions. Looking at the finalists perhaps he's got a point, with got an old dear who might be dead before the Royal Variety Show, a 10 year old boy who is hoping his balls don't drop before the Variety Show, a dancing dog, an out of tune boy band, an impressionist who can only do impressions of bald people, a Beavis and Butthead dance act, a young drummer, an Opera singer, some acrobats and a breakdancer. Variety may not be dead but it is certainly on the life suffort machine.

With such rubbish on the box is there any wonder Cheryl has headed off to Paris for some fun. Shame she had to drag along Derek though because it's just given the papers another opportunity to run silly stories about them being lovers.  

Is she really going out with him?

There is yet more speculation in todays papers about Cheryl's love life with most journo's suggesting she is now loved up with Derek the Dancer. This theory would be more convincing if they actually had photographs to back up the claims but in the pictures I've seen they are not even holding hands.

England's World Cup plans hve taken a knock today with Rio being ruled through injury so Ash has now got even more of a chance to shine if he can hold the England defence together. He could return to England as a national hero. 

Shampoo

Apparently some silly diluded people have complained to the advertising standards association because the have used the shampoo she advertises and they don't look like her. What a surprise surely they must realise that Cheryl employs the best stylists that money can buy to get her hair looking like it does. Any one can wear the same boots as Wayne Rooney but it won't make them great footballerssh f to.

Another night tosh on BGT, things were so bad tonight that an 85 year old woman got the most votes. Tonights play off was between two dancers who were mildly amusing and a bunch of girl dancers who were fairly predictable. This years competition has been totally unispiring I would n't be surprised if the dog won it and the old woman comes second. If Britain has really got talent this programme doesn't appear to have found it.

Dirty Dancing

Cheryl is in all the papers dirty dancing with Dereck. Apparently these means they are both madly in love with each other and Cheryl is going to have his babies.Yeh right. He's a professional ancer who is paid to dance like that. If Cheryl had married every male dancer she had ever worked with she would have had more husbands than Elizabeth Taylor.

Britain's Got Talent was fairly dire again. An old bloke who does a rubbish impression of Madonna, a pretenscious 10 year old and a bald guy who could only do impressions of other bald guys.

Avoiding Ash

Her ladyship has let it be known that she has re-arranged her diary for the next 12 months to avoid bumping into Ash. May be before taking such decisions she should have probably waited to see next years football fixtures or more importantly she should have waited to see if Ash moves abroad. Look well if she moves to LA for six months only to find Ash has joined Real Madrid or even LA Galaxy.

Kelly Osborne is fuming after critics attacked her mum Sharon's weight gain, she claims that her mum's weight gain is a result of a rare medical condition, she has an over active knife and fork.

Forced myself to watch the second semi final of BGT. How dire was that. Half the acts were the ones Louis put through while Simon was taking a sickie so they were doomed to fail. The only good thing about tonights show was that my favourite dog act has made it through to the final. I'm sure the queen would love to see a dancing dog at the Royal variety show!