Oh please!

As Cheryl drags herself off of her death bed to fly to the US to make a new album some silly bitch in 'The Sun' has decided to slag her off for the clothes she was wearing when she landed in the US. Any one who is going to spend hours on a plane will wear clothes that are comfortable not trendy.

Little Joe looks like he's been outed by the media. Although the paper makes out that Joe has volunteered the information about his sexuality the reality is that if Joe didn't give the interview the paper would have printed the claims any way.

Up and away and off to LA

While at least one tabloid was claiming that Cheryl was begging Simon to let her back on X-factor, she was actually jumping on board a plane with Derek and heading to LA. At least this time she is heading off somewhere she won't catch a life threatening disease.

Another paper has been trying to wriggle out of a silly story it published yesterday that Nadinne would not be singing on the next Girls Aloud Album, the orginal story was clearly published without any one at the paper making the effort to pick up the phone and speaking to Nadine's agent who could have put the right very quickly.

Amanda Holden is to play Fiona in the stage version of 'Shrek' after spending so much time with Simon Cowell she will know what it's like working alongside on Ogre

Cowell is in trouble again because another BGT contestant is planning to sue him. This time it's the old bloke who dressed up as Madonna who is upset. He blames the show for the fact that people now think he's a cross-dresser or a tranny. Well surely if you don't want to attrack such labels the best thing to do would be to avoid appearing on national TV shows dressed as a woman.  If every one who had been publicly humiliated by Simon over the last 10 years took him to court he would be in court 5 days a week for most of the year. Knowing Simon he would find away to get the proceedings televised so he could get even more publicity for himself.

Back with a bang.

After a month away from the cameras Cheryl is on all the front pages of the tabloids looking fit and healthy.
I just hope she isn't rushing back to work too fast, we don't want her to have a relapse during the middle of a live show.

Derek Hough keeps telling every one that Cheryl wants him to move, I'm not sure if he's telling the truth or simply trying to wind up Ashley and keep himself in the headlines.

All aboard the love boat.

Simon is taking a cruise with his fiance and two of his ex-lovers. What is all that about? If Peter Stringfellow wanted to take all his ex-lovers on a cruise he would need to hire all the cabins on the QE2. Why can't Cowell just go off for a quiet holiday with out alerting all the papers.

Cheryl has been having a big clear out of her wardrobes prior to re-ermerging into the public eye. She has tried out dozens of outfits to try and come up with the right image for her comeback.

Apparently big tits has written another best selling novel. Where does she find time to write novels in between getting married, making TV shows, releasing records, being a full time mum, slagging off other celebrities, getting her tits out and having cosmetic surgery. Surely she hasn't been using a ghost writer has she?

Suddenly everyone is a sceptic

After Cheryl made it clear that she would be back at work on Friday the Internet is suddenly alive with medical experts all claiming that she can't have been that poorly if she has recovered so quickly. The poor girl just can't win. Some shit stirrers are even claiming that she is rushing back to work early because she is worried her replacement is starting to get her feet under the table. Why can't people just accept that Cheryl is as tough as old nails and her super human powers allow her to conquer even the most serious illness without even batting an eye-lid.

Better late than never.

Back in March 'The Sun' wrote a load of made up bollocks about Cheryl and Ash, the Daily Mail then copied and pasted the same story in it's tawdry rag without checking if the story was true. Last week 'The Sun' priunted an apology and now the Mail has done the same. So why has it taken them so long to correct a story they must have known was untrue at the time?

Real Madrid are still shedding players from the wage bill suggesting they are preparing to take on a few high earners. Chelsea keep saying Ash is not for sale but this could just be a clever way to push up his price. Whilst all teams need a good defence we all know that it is strikers who win titles.

More double-speak

Having spent time browsing the Sunday papers today I'm really starting to wonder what kind of idiot writes some of these silly stories and just as importantly what kind of idiots believe all the drivel. Whilst one paper was adament that Cheryl would not let Ashley back into the marital home, another paper was equally adament that he spent a hour in the house on Wednesday.  One paper claims Chezza is still very poorly while another says she will be back to work next week. Any one would think editors take a look at early editions of rival papers and then just mak up stories to deliberate contradict what the rival paper says.

Simon isn't a happy because some of the X-factor contestants have stripped off and gone on the rampage at a hotel.  Well what did he expect when he placed a load of talentless wannabees in a hotel and  then allow them access to as much alcohol as they can drink. If he really does want to avoid a repeat of this silliness he needs to ban all alcohol and employ more staff to supervise them. It could al be a double bluff my Simon just to make some of the wooden contestant appear more interesting.

Simon back in the news.

It would appear that my favourite pop mogul is being sued by the social misfits who he has slagged off over the past few years. Whilst I'm sure they have little chance of winnning it would be really great if some one could wipe that smug look from off his face.

Christine Bleakley is apparently being lined up to replace Dermot on X-factor. Is there any jobs that she hasn't got her eye on? I know ITV are paying her £4m a year but surely they will let her take some weekends off.

A bit less competition!

Like most music fans I'm very pleased to hear that Jordan has ended her short lived singing career. Her first single only sold 3000 copies and I think she probably bought most of them just to try and get into the charts.
Hopefully this should mean people will now stop touting her as a judge on X-factor.

But as one bit of competition disappears along comes competition, well fairly new. The Spice Girls are preparing to make a comeback. Surely if they do regroup they can't call themselves the Spice Girls any more the Golden Girls would suit them better.

The debate about Ashley's transfer continues with Carlo saying Ash is staying and Ashley staying stum. I think he'll go just to get away from the paps and the boo boys.

What's with the all he security?

Cheryl seems to have gone security mad over the last few days getting extra locks on the doors and windows  as well as upgrading the alarm and security lights. I wouldn't mind but she isn't here most of the time. Is she worried about her own security or does she think a criminal gag of pet snatchers is going steal me and hold me ransom until Cheryl pays them a large sum of money for my release.

Cheryl got a good name check from Alexandra Burke today with the X-factor winner claiming that Cheryl is always giving her fashion tips. The only problem with this revelation is that the next time Alexandra wears something stupid people will think Cheryl told her wear it.

Derek popped round to see Cheryl today but I don't think they did much dancing. It's strange how the papers now refer to him as a friend rather than a love interest. What do they know?

I'm boring am I?

Cheryl has been very busy telling people that she is bored at home and wants to get back to works. Thanks Chezza I thought you would like to spend time with me, but clearly this is not the case.

Kimberley has clearly realised the limitations of her singing abilities by acccepting a job as a journalist on OK magazine. Presumably this means she will be paid to recount any tittle tattle she hears in between publications. Surely this is just one step away from sellling the Big Issue.

Despite all the rumours Chelsea now say they actually want Ashley to stay at the club.

Leave Ash alone

It looks like a bunch of morons have been posting some fairly harsh comments about Ash on the Match of the Day Facebook page. What are these prats trying to achieve? Ash was one of our best players at the World Cup and he is certainly the best left footed defender in the world. I can only think that these morons hate Ashley so much because of the colour of his skin or because he walked out on Arsenal.

Bored out of her mind.

Cheryl is giving out that she is really bored stuck at home. How can she be bored spending time in a house she has hardly lived in for the past 12months. It doesn't help that she spends most of the day glued to Big Brother that really is like watching the paint dry. It doesn't say a lot for Dereks personality that she is so bored when he's around.

One way to lose weight.

Cole has lost half a stone while battling malaria, she was skinny before getting ill, now she is virtually a skeleton. If a member of the paparazzi got a picture of her looking like this it  would be like gold dust.

I read on the Internet that dogs that growl and bite people may not be hostile by nature - merely depressed, according to new research. Well I'm extremely dressed but I don't go around growling at people and biting them, unless they happen to be trying to take a picture of Cheryl in which case they become fair game.

Ash can't do right for doing wrong.

The papers are all having ago at Ash today because he's not been to visit Cheryl since he arrived back in the country. Given that Cheryl  has made it clear she doesn't want to see him and that her mum is acting as her gatekeeper the chances of Ash get past the front door are very slim.

Ash was pictured at Sol Campbell's wedding today without a woman on his arm so all the speculation about him having are new girlfriend now look a bit silly.

Replaced by a pussy cat doll.

With Cheryl still poorly Simon has roped in one of the Pussy cat dolls to fill her boots at boot camp. Whilst Nicole Scherzinger has certainly got the looks to match Cheryl I'm not sure she is strong enough to stand up to Simon when he tries to throw hi weight around. Given that Nicole is the only guest judge to be invited back Geri, Pixie and Katie Perry have all been given the thumbs down.  

Ashley is back in the country looking very relaxed, I wonder if he's already been chatting to Jose about moving to Real Madrid, they have dropped their interest in Stevie G o it probably means they have got the cash to splash on Ash.

One of the papers today had a picture of Charlotte Church shopping in a supermarket and they claimed she was depressed because she wasn't smiling. Who the heck smiles when they do the supermarket shop especially if you are in Cardiff. When are these celeb snappers going to learn to stay away from celeb when they are off duty? Denise Van Oaten has claimed she has given up breastfeeding after jut a month because she was worried about being snapped with her tits out. What a shame I was so looking forward to seeing her with her knockers out in public!    

More silly stories about Cheryl.

Short of any real news to report one paper has run with a very silly story claiming that Cheryl has banned her Girls Aloud pals Kimberley Walsh and Nicola Roberts from visiting her in the hospital. What the headline should have said is that she will only allow her mum and Derek to visit her. So she banned virtually everyone which is not really such an attractive headline.

Cheryl must really be poorly because she eating her mothers home-made meal.and shunning the posh meals at her private hospital . Joan is nursing her back to health with food she loved as a child while growing up in Newcastle. How can she survive on a diet of crisps and pop?

Despite all the cloke and dagger manouvres it looks like the media may have cottoned on to the fact that Cheryl has indeed been smuggled out of hospital and back home. I think she was worried that if she stayed in hospital much longer some one was bound to get a photograph of her looking unwell so she has come home where she can be sure that she is safe from the prying eyes of any snappers.

Cheryl's diet

Some drongo at the Daily Mail believes that Cheryl's health problems are all down to her diet. What a load of twaddle Cheryl's diet is careful monitored by experts, proper experts not the kind of quacks who work for the Mail.

Now way, no way, no way.

Cheryl  has received some good news from medics about her illness. They say that shell be over her malaria in six weeks. But she has also been told to stop the faddy diets and to take yoga to reduce her stress levels, so be ready to buy Cheryls yoga DVD for Christmas.  It's just as well she is getting better because Jordan has been touting herself as a replacement for Cheryl as a judge on X-factor. This is the same Jordan who can't singer or dance, knows nothing about fashion or music and doesn't know when to keep her gob shut.
If I was her I wouldn't waste any time pencilling it in to her diary. I'm sure that Simon would rather scrap the show altogether rather than scrape the barrrel looking for guest judges.

Simon has revealed that Louis Walsh is so close to the guest judge Nicole Sherzinger that it seems he is in love with her, more twaddle from Simon aimed at generating publicity for the job. Batchelor boy Louis has never been romantically linked with any woman so I think we can safely conclude that he bats for the other side.

Real Madrid have pulled out of a bid for Stevie G on the grounds that he is too expensive for a player of his age. So that should mean that Jose has £20m to throw at Ash if he really wants him. Most people think Ash listens to music on his I-pad all day but I thin over the last few months I think he's been using it to learn Spannish.

Picking over the bones.

With nothing really new to report about Cheryl's condition the papers have trurned instead to idle speculation over who might replace her on X-factor. So far Simon has tried several guest presenters to fill Dannii's seat and most of them have not been upto the mark so now he's now short of two judges until he knows when Cheryl and Dannii will be back at work. Charlotte Church is one candidate but she has a tendency to speak her own mind which won't go down well with Simon, Lily Allen is equally gobby and she has a reputation for being unreliable. If he can't find any suitable women may be he will just have to recruit more men like Gary Barlow or Will Young. I'm sure Simon will have a plan in place but he will be happy to let the speculation mount because it is all good frre publicity for the show.

I wacthed a bit of the World Cup final last night but the game was far to scrappy with the Dutch kicking every thing that moved and the Spannish making a meal of every tackle or incident.

Near death my arse!

Why do the tabloids always insist on blowing stories out of all proportions? At no point during her recent illness has Cheryl been close to death. But clearly most tabloids know that if they use the head line 'Cheryl nearly died' it will sell a few thousand extra copies. It does look as though Cheryl will have to miss out on X-factor bootcamp but I don't think she will lose much sleep over that.  She may also pull out of a couple of festivals as well but that is probably not a bad thing either, a singer of her calibre shouldn't be sleeping in a tent and taking a piss in a portaloo.

Ashley still seems to be much in demand in Spain, Real Madrid are keen to pay £30m for him, which is a good price for some one of his age. It would certainly help him to escape the attention of the tabloids who still seem to have it in for hi even though he was probably our best player at the World Cup.

Cheryl over the worst.

After a few tense days Cheryl is finally out of intensive care and recovering in a private hospital. As usual the papers have gone over the top claiming she had a life threatening illness and then going on about her having liquid on her lungs.

Ashley is apparently feeling jealous because Derek has been at Cheryl's side through her illness rather than him. If he really was that concerned about Cheryl why has he allowed the papers to take pictures of him partying while Cheryl was in hospital. Ash will be even more jealous when he finds out that Simon has been visiting her in hospital but then again would you really want him at the side of your bed when fighting a serious illness?

Those two Irish tinkers Johnathan and Edward have been trying to extend their 15 minutes of fame by taking the piss out of Cheryl. Talking about her illness the two talentless upstarts joked about the fact that she would get a big funeral if she dies. The boot will be on the other foot next year when they are playing Butlin's or working in Macdonald's.

Derek takes the blame.

Cheryl pal Derek Hough believes that it is all his fault that the X Factor judge is struggling with such deadly disease malaria, he shouldn’t be too hard on himself how was he to know that their would be dangerous insects lurking around in Tanzania, he is American after all.




Ashley Cole is still happily partying away in America while Cheryl is battling a deadly illness in London, he obviously thinks she has never got around to rewriting their will.

Is Cheryl recovering.

Apparently Cheryl has summoned up the strength to tell her visitors that she will do all she can to get well so she can get back on X-factor.  Surely she got other things to worry about rather than some tacky TV show.
Sounds to me like Simon has got his spin doctors hard at work trying to keep the show in the spotlight.

Cheryl too ill for X-factor

Cheryl has let it be known from her sick bed that she might be too ill to take part in this years X-factor.
I think having seen the quality of the acts at the auditions that she is better off out of it. Having seen her acts  win for the past two years she's got nothing gain and everything to lose from being associated with a dud series. Once she has got out of this years show she can make a rapid recovery and go and do the American version of X-factor instead.

Many of her friends and family have rushed to be near her but te taloids are continuing to show pictures of Ash enjoying himself just to stir things up.

Not one of Dereks better ideas.

When Cheryl's dancing friend Derek whisked her off to Tanzania for a much needed break he got lots of praise from the media and Cheryl's friends. It now appears that the trip has seriously damaged Cheryl's health because she has caught Malaria. So when Simon was implying that Cheryl was hungover the other day the truth is that she was displaying early syptoms o the disease. She is now stuck in hospital and she could be there for at least a week.

While Cheryl is seriously ill in hospital Ash is getting it in the neck for enjoying himself on holiday. What is he meant to do rush back to Britain so that Cheryl can humiliate him by telling him he's not wanted or is he meant to walk around LA looking miserable. Whatever he does the papers will have ago at him so e may as well just enjoy himself. 

Cheryl's finally taking a break

After working non-stop for the last 6 months Chery's doctor has finally told her that she needs to rest. She had a bit of a turn on Saturday when she passed out and the doctor later diagnosed a stomach bug. I think if I had to spend day after day sat next to Simon Cowell listening to hundreds of no-hopers murdering perfectly good songs I think I would have an upset stomach. Simon now has the problem of finding yet another guest judge to sit on the panel. If he's really desparate I'm prepared to help out as long as a get a good fee and a nice dressing room.

Ashley takes another kicking.

Ash is back on the front pages of the tabloids again accused of sending text messages just before the England's games in South Africa asking a woman to send him some naked pictures of herself. The woman then goes on to suggest Ashley played badly because he as thinking about sex  all the time. The only trouble with this argument is that most pundits actually claimed that Ashley was one of the best England players in the tournament. Sending silly text messages before the game clearly helped him relax and get prepared for the game. If the story had been about Rooney sending similar messages to middle aged hookers that would be a lot more serious because Rooney had a stinker of a time at the World Cup.

Jedward have upped their profile but not in the way they would want to. Edward managed to fall over while on stage at T4 on the beach.He limped about in agony til the end of his set but he was them rushed to hospital with a suspected broken leg. I suppose it was bound to happen one day because the lads are not trained dancer and they are not very fit.

He's no gentleman.

Simon has been teasing Cheryl at the X-factor auditions because she was slightly hungover the day after her birthday. No gentleman would stoop that low in pursuit of some cheap laughs.

Ashley seems to be very much in demand at the moment especially in other countries, Real Madrid are rumoured to be thinking of bidding £30m for his services. I don't think Cheryl will be happy to find that he is early morning than her given that all he has to do his chase a ball around a pitch for 90 minutes a week while she has to work all the hours god sends in order to maximise her revenue streams.

Has Beckham become a jinx.

Last week Becks was on the England bench when we were thrashed by the German's, then today he was sat on centre court when Andy Murray was beaten in the semi's at Wimbledon. I just hope he's not planning to go and support the England cricket team in Australia.

Apparently Derek is worried that Cheryl might go tired of him because he's such a pauper. He feels inferior to Ash because Ash earns more in a week than Derek does in a year. He's told a magazine that he was considering buying her an antique bracelet but he has not revealed what he actually bought her. He's clearly not learnt the trick yet of selling a story to the tabs to raise the money to buy a classy present. Cheryl has tried to make him feel better by saying she' not bothered about money! If that is the case why does she employ an agent to make sure she earns as much as possible from any deal or photo-shoot.

Second best.

A new poll has found that Cheryl is the second most beautiful woman of the last century just missing out to Audrey Hepburn who came first. Cheryl shouldn't be to disappointed though because at least she is still alive so actually wins by default because Audrey can't actually pick up the award.

Ashley has adopted a low profile after yesterdays gaffs but fortunately for him the media has switched it's attention to Frank Lampard who is hogging all the headline because he is on holiday with Christine Bleakley who is keeping the celebrity snappers in work by wearing several different bikinis.