Headline News Again!

Just when it looked as though Cheryl and Ash were slipping below the media radar. One of the tabloids has started to spread the rumour that Cheryl is going to spend Easter with Will.Iam. Quite how they come up with this rubbish I don't know. Just because she is in the same city as someone doesn't mean that she is actually going to jump in bed with them. If you apply the same logic to Ashley he is in London at the same time as countless celebs and bimbos but is he actually humoing any of them?

Why is it that every time I look at the TV these days Dannii is in another bloody advert for M & S, these are not just adverts they are irritating, pointles, mind numbing M&S adverts. It looks as though Simon has bottled out of sacking Dannii from the X-factor instead he is trying to encourage her to throw in the towel. He keeps letting it be known via Max  Clifford that he's concerned about Dannii's health, blah, blah, blah. When is he going to grow a pair of balls and be more decisive.

Maradona has found himself back in the headlines after his dog savaged his hand. If it was the same hand that once put England out of the World Cup I don't think he will get much sympathy from English football fans.

Business as usual.

Cheryl is over in LA working on a new record, Ashley is back in light training, Nadine is in the papers looking ultra thin, Simon is thinking about buying another expensive car and it's raining again. Sounds like business as usual! We are stuck with Cheryl's mum again so it will be more cheap dog food so she can have more money to spend on booze and fags.

Piers Morgan has decided to give his two penneth worth on Cheryl and Ashley's marriage telling Cheryl to dump Ash. Since when did Piers become an expert on marriage guidance? All that Piers is interested in is promoting himself at every opportunity. The next time I come close to him I will sink my teeth into his ankles. If that doesn't annoy him then I'll piss down his leg.

Just what the world needs.

Cheryl has announced that she is to publish her first book. But don't get too excited it won't be a warts an all account of her life with Ash, or an in depth account of how much she likes her two dogs, no it's a book of photographs. I'm just hoping she isn't planning to publish any pics of me wearing stupid outfits. If she does I will have to go into hiding because I won't be able to show my face in town again. Why oh why does the world need more pictures of Cheryl? She must be the most photographed celeb in the country if not the world. Does she want thousands of teenage boys to be playing with their bits while ogling her in a book?

There seems to be much speculation at the moment about who will replace Dannii if she gets the boot from X-factor,  Sharon Osbournes name has been thrown in the hat but I can't see it myself, Simon isn't that keen of fiesty women, Robbie Williams has also been suggested but do they really want a panel of three blokes plus Cheryl? May be they should have Paul O' Grady on the panel playing Lily Savage, it would provide all the bitchiness of Sharon but offset with some humour. He would certainly get my vote.

Could 5 become 4.

Now that the tabloids have started to go easy on Ashley because they are worried about damaging England's World Cup hopes attention has now switched to skinny Nadine. The papers suggest that Cheryl and the three backing singers are keen to pension her off. I can't say I'm surprised as the band start to show signs of aging their earnings potential will start to slide so it would be better to share the swag between four members rather than 5. Now the papers have got their teeth into this story it's bound to run and run.

Ashley's joy at seeing Chelsea win wil have been dinted by the fact that Man U beat Bolton, I thought Bolton might just have knicked a draw but when players start to score in their own goals it just makes united's job that much easier. I can't believe that Own Goals is now United's second top scorer way ahead of Michael Owen.

Lazy Days

Enjoyed a bit of a lie-in this morning, the house was quiet so I made the most of it. Ashley has still not been to visit me because him and Cheryl can't sort out visiting rights. It's just as well they haven't got kids if they can't agree visiting rights over a couple of dogs. The papers are relatively Cole free today which is always a good thing, if we can avoid any nonsense in the Sunday's the worst might be over. Cheryl has not gone mental or burnt any of Ashley's clothes and Ashley hasn't hit the bottle or copped off with a nurse so the press have had little to feed on.

Was hoping for a nice walk round town today but no-one seems to be offering. Last week I spent time outside Thornton's eyeing up the Easter eggs, hopefully I'll get a couple of big one's this years  with Ash and Cheryl competing with each other to win over our effections. Cocoa is not a big fan of chocolate so hopefully I'll get any of her leftovers.

The boys have had a great result today stuffing Aston Villa 7-1, looks like things could get very interesting especially with Ash on the mend and Rooney starting to look knackered.

He will go down as a tryer.

Ashley has been busy telling the world and it's mother how he is planning to win Cheryl back. He some how thinks that presenting her with a book of old photographs is going to do the trick. If this plan has any chance of working he will have to ensure he can find pictures where the two of them are both smiling which coud prove to be a bit of a tall order.

Looks as though smarmy Simon has picked up an Emmy for his contribution to TV. Well he migt have made a contribution to TV but he certainly hasn't done much for the music industry with all his naff acts producing piss poor records.

Just as Cheryl is coming to terms with the fact that she is not going to a sprog any time soon, rumours are circulating that Beyonce may be up the duff. Whilst she is keeping tight lipped about the rumours at present the next time she walks through one of those new airport body scanners all will be revealed.

Little Miss Stick-Insect

With very little new to write about the Ashley and Cheryl saga the papers have decided to concentrate on how thin Cheryl is looking at the moment. Surely anyone who has just split from a loved one and then suffered a serious chest infection is bound to lose a bit of weight. I just wish the bitches who spew out their bile in the Daily Mail would just take the time to explain exactly what size and weight the perfect woman should actually be.

Cheryl seems to have put herself in the spotlight because she was photographed not wearing her wedding ring, if she wants to avoid this situation arising again she should start to wear gloves a bit more. Obviously most Geordies don't wear gloves even in the middle of winter because they don't want to be seen as wimps.

It looks as though another lads mag is about to reveal a poll that shows that a lot of young men think of Cheryl while having a five knuckle shuffle. I'm not really sure that Cheryl will be too keen to be seen as  popular with wankers.

With Cheryl over in Paris promoting her new album I'm hoping she might bring me back a carton of beer. Apparently it's now all the trend in Paris to give beer to dogs. I'd love to give it ago because it woul help me to deal with all the stress I have to deal with on a daily basis.

Cheryl gives the press the finger.

Cheryl seems to be back on form flashing her finger at the press showing them she wasn't wearing a wedding ring. Is it really big news that weeks after she ditched Ashley that she has stopped wearing a wedding ring?

The Daily Star tried to claim that Cheryl was in a relationship with Will.I.am, which is a total crock of shit, all she said on Radio 1 was that she would like to work with him, how does that translate into I want to shag him and have is babies? That paper has become so dire that I wouldn't even use it to wipe my arse on.

Ashley has had a better day today he has been told he can start training again so with a bit of luck he should be ready to play in the FA cup final and with a lot of luck te world cup final. The boys also managed to put 5 past Portsmouth which as helped them catch up with United.

If Ashley is going to buy a new pad he eeds to be quick off the mark because the Chancellor is planning to put extra taxes on all houses worth over £1m.

The day of the dog.

Everywhere you look in the papers to day there are stories about dogs. In one story it said it took 30 vets and £11,000 to bring a dog back to good health. What would have to be wrong with a dog to warrant all that amount of work. Even Sharon Osbourne doesn't have that much surgery in a year. In another doggy related story it woul appear that Kim Marsh has taken a dog back to a dog refuge after just two months because it wouldn't bond with her Chihuahua. What twaddle us Chihuahua's will bond with anyone. Even common cross-breads.

Cheryl has made the classic mistake of giving an interview while hungover, she told Fearne Cotton she wouldn't do a duet with Nadine because it would be wierd. She also blabbed that she hadn't been asked to appear on American X-factor because her accent was too strong for the yanks to understand. What a silly girl. If you give an interview whilst half-pissed it will always come back to haunt you once you have sobered up.

Cheryl's jail-bird brother has been blabbing to the papers claiming that Cheryl was about to have a baby with Ashley until she found out he had been cheating, how the heck would he know? The only time he rings Cheryl is when he's been arrested again or if he needs money. I don't think any judge would consier him to be a reliable witness. I've know doubt the papers paid him well, he probably earned more money for his trouble than Judas did.

Nice to know who your mates are!

Frank Lampard has been busily sticking the knife into Ashley, to hear him speak you would think Frank is Mr.Perfect.  He's even had ago a Ashley for using Immac. What's wrong with a man taking a bit of care over his appearance.  Is the any wonder Chelsea are losing the plot when the entire team are bitching about each other.

Simon is apparently planning a September wedding, I wonder I'll get a doggie bag from the reception? I usually do because Cheryl doesn't tend to eat a lot at that kind of thing.

Charlotte Church has built a bar in her garden because she was fed up with people taking pictures of her in pubs and clubs and selling them to the papers. Surely she needs to decide if she wants to be a celebrity or not. If she wants to be a celebrity she must expect to see herself in the papers warts an all ocassionally, if she wants privacy she should join a nunnery.

Will she won't she?

As usual on a Sunday the tabloids are full of tosh. Some of the paps reckon Cheryl will divorce Ash as soon as possible, some say he will wait six months an one paper claims she might give him one last chance.

Having overhead several of her recent calls to friends and PR people, I suspect she will wait until after the World Cup so she doesn't get the blame if Ash has a nightmare at the finals. There is also the chance that in 6 months time Ash could be sold in a mega bucks deal and Cheryl could be in line for a share of the money.

Watched most of the Chelsea match today but when Blackburn equalised I could see the writing was on the all so I retreated to my basket to lick my balls. With the Manchester mob beating the scousers the chances of us winning the title are slipping away.

Back on the box

Cheryl has finally taken my advice and dragged herself from her sick bed to appear on Sports Relief, it wasn't her best performance ever but at least it got her back in the limelight again. She did look a bit thin but any one looks thin when they stand next to James Corden.

Frank Lampard's ex has stuck the knife in by claiming he was too thick for her, that will come as a bit of a shock to his team-mates who often refer to him as the professor because he has a few GCSE's.

Are we heading for the B-List

After weeks of terrible headlines suddenly team Cole is being ignored by most of the papers. With Cheryl still hiding under her duvet and Ashley keeping a low profile he media vultures have very few bones to chew on. Whilst it is nice to be low profile for a while if it goes on too long we could soon find that we have become a B-list celebrity family.

The papers are having to work harder for celeb gossip at the moment so Nadine is suddenly back in the tabloids, apparently she is now far too thin and she is trying to hide the fact by wearing baggy clothes. Tiger Woods is also back on the radar because one of his many women has come forward with hundreds of rude text messages that he is supposed to have sent to her. What a silly boy, if you are cheating on your partner the last thing you want to do is leave any evidence behind. Even John Terry  has got a mention in the paper after it was revealed that his dad has been arrested for supplying drugs. I shouldn't laugh at other peoples misfortune but if they are making us look better I'm all for it.

Is Cheryl agrophobic?

Cheryl is still in bed and I begining to think she's agrophobic. It's all playing havoc with my social life because
I've not been out for a walk for ages. I've tried to communicate with other dogs on the Internet but you can never be sure if you are taling to real dogs or adults pretending to be dogs.

Despite being bed-ridden Chery has been busy taling to the papers, apparently she is already thinking about looking for a new bloke. She says she wants a fat bloke.  I don't like the sound of that. Will a fat bloke  take be for walks? Will a fat bloke leave me any scraps from the Sunday dinner? What would happen if I'm having a nap on Cheryls bed and a fatty jumps on the bed and flattens me?

Ashley Back in the spotlight.

After hiding away from the cameras for the last few weeks Ash was picture at Chelsea's match looking glum, but the papers can't decide if he was glum because Cheryl has given him the elbow or because Chelsea were knocked out of europe. Elsewhere in the paps, there is speculation that Ash may well be on his way to Real Madrid.  I'm not sure about this rumour myself because Ash has always rejected foreign moves because of the language barrier,  but given he never seems to talk in public the language barrier is probably not really a problem.

JT didn't have a good night, after blaming the ref and other officials for Chelsea losing he then managed to run over a security guard as he drove away from the ground. The police even breathalyed him. I think if the lads don't get a grip really quickly we could well lose out to the Manchester mob in the race to the title.

Cheryl really needs to get out of her sick bed and start working again, I've noticed in recent weeks that Charlotte Church is starting to get more and more attention in the media, she lost loads of weight, she has two gorgeous kids and a hunky partner. An if the truth be tol she's got a much better voice than Cheryl.

I see that a vet examining a poorly dog found a 5 inch football in it's stomach, after removing the blockage the vet said he hoped the dog would soon bounce back to full health.

Back to the Drawing Board.

Ashley is on the mend but too late to help Chelsea stay in the Champions league, the boys were sent packing tonight by the Special one. Ash won't be a happy bunny nor will Romon. Surely his patience must be wearing a bit thin by now, for the money he has spent on Chelsea he coul have bought Manchester United outright without having to saddle the team with big debts.

I pleased to see how a dog that has been missng for 5 years has been reunited with it's owners, just goes to show how clever us dogs really are. 

Ashley on the attack

For most of the time I've known Ashley he has always tried to portray himself as the strong silent type, yet since Cheryl has given him the elbow he doesn't seem able to keep his mouth shut. When the split was first announced he tried to blame it on the mother-in-law, but now he seems to be pinning some of the blame on the bloke from the Black-eye peas who has trouble with punctuation marks. Will.I.am.

More injury worries for England with Becks having to go under the knife, at the rate they are going half the team will be out before the finals have even kicked off. Cheryl must now be regretting ditching Ashley, she coul have heade off to South Africa as queen of the WAGS, it's hard to see who will take that role with Chezza and Posh stating at home.

The Daily Mail has written another of it's inaccurate stories about Chezza and Ash, they seem to have looked at every other article on Ashley's home coming and contraicted every thing that has been written.

Callous Callaghan calls the shot.

The tabloids have all picked up on the fact that Ashley only spent 30 minutes in the house before Cheryl's bum showed in the door. Methinks Callous Callaghan is desparate to prevent any kind of reunion because she wants the house to herself while Cheryl's out of the country. 

The main good news for Ash if you can call it good news is that more celebs have been caught playing away from home, each day that passes it appears that male celebs sleeping around is now par for the course.

Simon's new woman says she's keen for him to visit Afghanistan, well I for one would be all in favour of that, may be a Taliban sniper could use him as target practice.

Return of the frost.

While the rest of England has been basking in Spring sunshine, the atmosphere here is still very frosty.
Ash is back but Cheryl is giving him the cold shoulder, the Mother-in-law, is still doing a good impression of Lady Macbeth and the media scum scrum has returned outside the house hoping to get a picture of Cheryl and Ashley either kissing and making up or throttling each other.

Cheryl suddenly seems to be getting cold feet over giving Ash the boot, she clearly doesn't want to be seen as the woman who cost England the World Cup, and ditching Ash when he is on crutches also makes her look a bit cruel. 

I don't think Cheryl was over impressed to see a bloke dressed in drag pretending to be her win the Sports relief show.  It probably just help to reinforce the impression that the public are starting to turn on Cheryl.
Cheryl also appears to be panicking about the re-emergence as Charlotte Church on the celeb circuit. She's now looking very thin and attractive, she has a gorgeous fellow and two lovely kids. This is just the kind of compertition that Chezza could do without at the moment.

There was at least some good news today, Chelsea hammered the Hammers to go to the top of the table, we just need Fulham to get a result against Man U tomorrow to help us open up a gap.

Glimmer of hope

Ash has returned home on the pretext that Cheryl is very poorly, but I think that was just a wheeze on her part to try and get out of appearing on the Jonathan Ross show.

The heat has been taken off Ashley slightly by revelations that Mark Owen has admitted to sleeping with 10 different women while he was in a relationship, compared to that Ash is practically a saint. Over the last two months the papers have been full of stories about blokes being unfaithful. I beginning to think that the government has put something in the water in the hope that all this shagging around might distract attention away from the state ogf the economy.

Body Language

According some overpaid quack with an ology, Cheryl's body anguage suggest that she is thinking of taking Ashley back, how the heck does he work that out then, if Cheryl is in England while Ash is still on his tod in France I would think there is soe very clear body language going on there.

I've just discovered that Battersea dogs home is 150 years old, so if I do end up being sent there at least I'll have a couple of big parties to attend.

House Hunting

Yet again I have been forced to scour the papers to finf out extactly what's happening in my own home, apparently Cheryl is busy looking at new houses which I find hard to believe beause I'm sure she would want take me with her.

Ash is still in a clinic in France but given the amount a text he keeps sending, he is stil trying to woo her back

That's all we need.

Just when things can't get any worse along comes Posh Spice. Posh is constantly on the dog and bone offering advice to Cheryl on what she should do next. Whilst Posh has clearly got experience of dealing with a well known footballer who has played away from home, I seem to remember she took her errant footballer back.

Most of the papers have picked up on the fact that Cheryl is busy in the studio while Ash is still holed up in France waiting for his ankle to mend.

The worst news of all is that Cheryl is thinking of giving an interview with Piers Morgan! The guy is a complete slime ball, why would any one want to have an interview with him?

Man bites Dog.

Simon is busy telling everyone how he is helping Cheryl cope with her problems, when will he learn when to but out. He's been trying to get Cheryl to ditch Ash for ages why can't he now just keep his nose out?

Cheryl is apparently making statements with the clothes she wears. She is dressing to show Ashley what he is missing. Well that must have passed me by. She currently feels shit and looks shit.

It looks as though dogs are about to get picked on again just because one or two have been a bit naughty. We could all end up having microchips put inside us and owners could be forcd to take out insurance just on the off chance that we might just bite somebody.

Now it's personal.

Big breaking news in the paper Cheryl has got a cole sore.

Other papers can't decide whether Cheryl is deliriously  happy or just delirious.  There is even talk she may go on the Piers Morgan show to put her side of the story. How daft would that be.

Ash could well be heading back to Wembley now the boys after knocked Stoke out of the cup.

Cheryl to become a lady of letters.

Cheryl is apparently telling everyone that she is really happy after splitting with Ashley, if that is the case may be she should tell her face.

Perhaps her change of mood may be because of all the talk of a bidding war for her auto-biography.  Some publishers are apparenty prepared to pay £5m for her story, why oh why would they pay all that money given that most of her life story has been plastered across the tabloids since she became part of Girls Aloud.

Nadine has found her self bak in the spotlight with the Daily Wail having ago at her for being too slim. Is there really anyone on this planet who is not too fat or too thin for the bitches who write twaddle for that paper?

You say it best when you say nothing at all.

While giving a press conference in Denmark, Cheryl toid journalists she would not talk about her marriage, so short of any new facts the journalists just went ahead and made some up. One rumour is that Cheryl is thinking of giving it another go with Ash because she thinks he's not as bad as JT. Now that really is a ringing endorcement!

According to te fantasist who wrote the article, Team Ashley have pestered Cheryl into talking to Ash.  Team Ashley is supposed to include his mum, his team-mates and even Romon who is worried about all the bad headlines this story is generating.  The fairy tale gets better when writer says Cheryl is now blaming  herself for Ashley's behaviour  because she thinks he is vulnerable and easy pray for money grabbing birdswho just sleep with him so they can do a kiss and tell for big bucks.

Abandoned again

Cheryl has had to love me and leave me again so she can go and perform in Denmark of all places! I know she needs to keep bringing home the bacon but that's just ridiculous.  All the papers claimed she looked gaunt on the way to the airport but doesn't every one look like that when hey know tey are off to Denmark.

Ashley has not sorted out any counselling sessions yet, I think he's struggling to find a counsellor who is young and attractive just so he can hedge his bets if the counselling doesn't work.

Fame at last.

According to an unreliable source Ash and Chezza have been negotiating visiting rights for when Ash can come and see me and Cocoa. Is this a sign that the story is starting to lose it's steam?  Another of the paps claimed that Ash and Chezza are going to consider counselling to try and sort out their problems. After my experience of regular visit to the dog shrink I must say I'm not a major fan of such quack solutions.

England managed to beat Egypt tonight without the help of Ashley so may be he is not that hard to replace after all. JT took a lot of stick from the fans but I think most of  the supporters having ago were probably Arsenal fans trying to unnerve him so that Chelsea start to stutter in the next few weeks so the gunners can overtake them.

Will this madness never end?

Ashley is now telling every Tom,Dick and Harry that Cheryl dumping him has totally ruined his life. I don't think Joe Public will see it that way, even without the lovely Chezza, Ashley will still have millions, in the bank a big house, flash cars and earnings of £100,000 a week. If Ashley looks in his dictionary he will find that sympathy can be found between shit and syphilis.

Cheryl is pressing on with her music career even though her latest singles seems to have bombed.

On a lighter note Sharon Osbourne has been talking bollocks again. Whilst I always like it when she slags off dopey Dannii it does worry me enormously that some one as deranged as her is allowed to own dogs.

One of Cheryl's former backing singers Nicola claims that she is naturally a size 6 so does not need to diet.
To be honnest I didn't realise her feet were that big

Never a dull day.

Well we've no longer got police at the gate but the house is still besieged by journalists and fans some of whom are wearng 'T'shirts with the slogan 'Team Cheryl' on them, how common is that? I wouldn't  mind but some of these people are students who really should have more brains.

A camerman with a long lense has managed to get a shot of Ashley without his wedding ring on and his claiming this is evidence that Ashley thinks the marriage is over. It clearly hasn't dawned on the idiots that prit this stuff that Ashley might have removed it because he is having to walk around on crutches.

Some of Ashley friends claim they are worried about him because he keeps sending them strange text messages. Apparently by sending the message 'thanks 4 all you've done 4 me' is considered to be a hint he's think about ending it all. I think he's just being sarcastic given how much support he has actually recieved from friends and team mates.

Despite most of the papers claiming that Cheryl is looking tired and stressed she has spent most of the day plotting her solo career, including appearances at the 'V' festival.

Cheryl as clearly taken my advtice and given Jonathan Ross the bums rush. Given that he's on his way out at the BBC he clearly needs her more than she needs him.

There is even more speculation that Cheryl is going to give the house to Ashey but I'm still not prepared to believe it because her mum still seems to have her feet firmly under the table.