Open season on Ashley

I can remember when I actually used to enjoy waking on a Sunday to see celebrities and footballers get a good roasting in the tabloids but when it gets close to home it's not as much fun. Today's headline's have Cowell wading him with his two pennth worth telling Cheryl not to get back with Ashley.  Given Simon is keen to get her to move to America he clearly has a motive toget them to split up, and would you really take advice on marriage guidance from a man who has made it to 50 without ever tying thr knot?

Apparently the man Cheryl was pictured with in America has already got a girlfriend which came as a shock to me given that I thought he batted for the other side.

Fame at last!

Fortunately for Ashley and Cheryl most of the media have been concentrating on John Terry and Wayne Bridges today so the heat has been taken off them for a while.  Just for once I was was the centre of attention with one of the papers saying that the only thing Cheryl wants from Ashley are the dogs. Whilst I am clearly flattered by such a statement I'm not totally sure that it's true. If Cheryl doesn't want the house why his her mother spending so much time packing all of Ashley's things up?

Posh Spice has been in the papers today telling everyone how she is going to stay in a houseaway from all the WAGs duriung the world cup in South Africa. Surely she is jumping the gun a little bit given that the squad for the world cup has yet to be named.

PMSL when I saw a story about one of Cheryls fans being evicted for playing Cheryl's record all the time and pissing off the neighbours.

Send in the Mums.

Both mums are now wading in on the Cheryl,Ashley split. While Ashley's mum is desperately try to get Ash and Cheryl back together, Cheryl's mum has been busily trying to pack up all of his stuff to spped up his departure from the house.

Some good news for Cheryl, Lily Allen is retiring from music in a week or so, that should hopefully help Cheryl sell more records. I some how think the retirement will be short lived, while she is keen to work in fashion onces she's had a few flops she will be rushing back to music.   

Now it's getting dirty.

Just when things looked like they were start to quieten down abit Ashley's decision to put the cat amongst the pigeons by blaming Cheryl's mum for everything seems to have opened up a can of worms. One paper used the headline 'Cheryl's mum drove me to extra-marital affairs' which made it sound like she was his personal chauffeur when he was playing away.

It looks like the family's wealth has multiplied overnight. Yesterday Ash and Cheryl were worth £22m yet this morning they have a joint wealth of £35m. And according to the Daily Mail if they do start to split things up Ash is likely to get the house while Cheryl is likely to get me and Cocoa.  I've got very mixed views on this because I've become very attached to the house and don't want to end up somewhere down market like Newcastle especially if Cheryl is off to LA for half of the year. Whilst Cheryl always rings me when she's away and communicates using web-cam it is not the same as being with her in the flesh.

There is a great deal of speculation about what Cheryl will do with the tattoo on the back of her neck which describes her as Mrs.C  She could have painful surgery to get it removed, she could have another tattoo put over the top to hide it or the third option would be to marry someone else with a surname beginning with C. She probably won't want to marry another footballer so Carlton Cole is out of the frame, but that still leaves Brendon Cole the dancer or she could surprise everyone by getting hitched to James Cordon. That would really annoy Ashley given that Cordon is a West Ham supporter.

Having stirred things up Ash has now hopped over to France to get some treatment on it's ankle. I don't think he will be in a rush to come home again while ever the press are camped out in the garden.

Two of Cheryl's backing singers popped round last night to offer their support, I'm not sure if they were really here to help or whether they just came to ensure they gt their pictures in the paper.

Some joker has put a banner over a local bridge reading Cheryl give me a call. JT. Talking of jokers Cheryl is meant to be giving an interview to Jonathan Ross to put her side of the story. I'm not really sure he's the ideal person to conduct such an interview given his track record for making tasteless jokes.

Lancing the boil

Following yesterdays announcement about their separation they do appear to have lanced the boil. The hacks and the photographers are still camped on the drive now the papers are starting to comment on what might happen in the future rather than dwelling on the past.

Apparently it's going to be a £22m divorce which seems to have been a figure some one has just plucked out of the sky, and Ashley is going to blame Cheryl's mum for the divorce which is all very convenient.

I was impressed by any of the papers that commented on the betting over who Cheryl will start dating next. Surely they must realise that Cheryl is far too busy focussing on her career to have any time left for men.

On a slightly brighter note a dog managed to get onto the news after it picked up a medal for bravery in recognition for it's role in the army sniffing out roadside bombs. Hopefully I'll be up for a bravery award next year to recognise how brave I've been dealing with the split up.

The end of the party.

I suppose it was inevitable really but it's still hard to take in. Cheryl has finally given Ash the boot.

I am concerned that the dancer she spent time with in the states has got his own dog. I hope she's not going to abandon me and move to LA for six months especially if she kicks Ash out of the house. I'll either end up at Battersea dogs home or living with her bloody mother. Out will go the trendy coffee bars and in will come greasy spoons in the northern wastelands.

I'm hoping it will just be a trial separation which will help to sell Cheryl some extra albums and help Ash avoid a tough punishment from Chelsea. May be if Ash finds god, does some charity work and wins the World Cup for England Cheryl might see him in a new light and take him back. But I'm not really holding my breath on that one. 

There are lots of rumours about Ash looking for a new club but I think his options are limited especially in this country, He can't got back to Arsenal, Man City already have a left back, and Man U and Liverpool are to skint to pay his wages. So is only really option in the premiership would be Spurs. If he can't find a new team over here it would hae to be Barcelona or Real Madrid. I'm not really sure I want to go to Spain especially if I have to spend 6 months in quarantine.

 I think I'll be having a very troubled nights sleep tonight. I may have to resort to sucking my own cock for comfort. 

Are the wheels starting to come off?

I was hoping by now that things would have started to quieten down a bit but instead the vultures are still hovering around the house looking for the smallest piece of evidence that they can then blow out of all proportion. I still believe that Cowell or Clifford are behind all of this. One of the papers yesterday reported that Cheryl was being comforted by Simon's latest bit of skirt which all seems very convenient.

I must admit I've not read many papers today because I chewed them up so Ashley would not have to see the headlines, things are getting so bad that I tried to ring the National Bullying Help-line but it seems to have been engaged all day.

The bits of news I did spot were claims that Ashley could be fined nearly a £1m by Chelsea or even put on the transfer list for bringing the club into disripute. This all seems abit over the top given that Romon himself had a bit on the side for years before his wife divorced him and JT seems to have been just as naughty as Ash and he's still the team Captain.

The worst story of all for Ash is the claim that Chezza has divorced him by text! But surely if se had sent him such a text I think he might have known since he's been walking round with it gripped in his hand for the last week.

Frank Lampard looks like he might be coming to the rescue by giving an interview in which he claims to be single which may come as a bit of a surprise to the woman he's been seeing for the last couple of months. Hopefully some of the other papers will pick up on this and leave Ash alone.

Doom and Gloom

I could barely bring myself to look at the papers today. More tosh from journalist who don't know what they are talking about. It's about time the government introduced a tax on tosh they would soon pay off the national debt.

The only story that did concern me was the one that says that Cheryl plans to spend six months away from Ash, I don't like the sound of that, do I really want to spend all that time with Ashley or were still Cheryl's mum. 

Dirty Dancing?

All the tabloids have got pictures of Cheryl with a dancing hunk. Apparently it's her way of sending a message to Ashley.  Yes that's right he's really going to be jealous of her going out with a man who wears tights.

I couldn't believe tonights telly there was a geezer dressed up as Cheryl taking the micky out of her dance routine and to make matter worse one of her backing singers was on the judging panel and she said the bloke was great.  The longer Chezza stays out of the country the more of a laughing stock she is going to be come.

Despite all his worries Ash was a bit more chipper today because the Manchester mob got whacked by Everton and the boys had an easy win against Wolves.

Who alerted the police?

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw todays papers. Depite the police telling Ash to keep things quiet, some one has blabbed to the press about an attempted robbery at the house, when thieves tried to steal Cheryl's rings. To add insult to injury the papers claimed it was Ash who raised the alarm when it was actually yours truly who woke Ash up.

There was more bad news for Ash because the papers have also revealed that the Godfather at Chelsea has called in all the players and read them the riot act about how they conduct their private lives.

Is Simon really getting Married

If the tabloids are to be believed Simon is about to get married, so I think we can expect a very long engagement.

The world and it's mother is currently offering advice on Cheryl about what she should do with Ashley. Sadly most of those offering their two pence worth of advice don't seem to be that great at maintaining long term relationiships. Alexandra Burke may well have a good voice but when it comes to relationship advice she is no Oprah Winfrey, Cheryl's backing singers have also weighed in with dvice even though none of them have every been married.

The worst development today has been the way the tabs are starting to talk about team Chery! This is not a re-run of Peter and Jordan.

Will she, won't she?

All the papers are busily speculating on Ashley and Cheryl's marriage without any consideration for me, I could suffer untold trauma if the marriage ends in a messy divorce. Who will get custody of me? Who will get the house?

The tabloids tried to make out that the marriage was over last night because Cheryl didn't wear her wedding ring at the Brit's but she then left them guessing because she actually wore her wedding ring.

While struggling to sleep last night I did ponder on why all these stories about Ash are now in the news given that most of them are really ancient, after alot of thought I've come up with two theories,  one it could be Max Clifford doing a favour for SC who has never been a fan of Ash and who is desparate to get Cheryl to move to America, or two it could be linked to John Terry's recent mishaps. All the stories about Ash have certainly taken the heat off of JT.

Under Siege

Skipped breakfast this morning, wanted to stay hungry in case I got the chance to bite some of the journalists who are currently camped outside the house.  I can't believe that the tabs are still running stories about Ash that are nearly two years old.

The latest rubbish in the paper is that Ash and Cheryl have split because she is stopping in a hotel in London. The fact that she booked the room about two months ago ready for the Brit's just shows how little research the average tabloid journalist now does before publishing a tissue of lies. If Cheryl really was going to walk out on Ash she would take me witn her.

JT has flown back from Dubai in time for pancake day, what perfect timing for someone who is considered a tosser by most of the country.

Beware the Vultures.

If todays papers are anything to go by Ashely needsto watch his step because the vultures are starting to circle. Cheryl's backing singers are all urging her to ditch him and journalists are doing lots of digging to find more dirt on him. I think he might be able to get off of the hook if Chelsea send him abroad for treatment rto get him out of the spotlight.

Whilst Ashley is not Mr.Popular with England fans they realise that he is one of the few quality left backs who can play for England so they may let him off if the headlines don't get any worse. His most obvious replacement has still not said if he will go to the world cup or not and very few people have much faith in Gareth Bale. Unlike Vernon  Kay  Ashley has not recieved any death threats yet.

Cheryl has spent most of the day saying she will fight, fight, fight for this love, which means she really wants to save her marriage or she wants to have one last push at increasing  record sales.

Sulky Sunday

After the tension of yesterday today has not been much better. Cheryl collected the papers to see if there were any new revelations but the ony new stuff came from her mum who has apparently told Cheryl to ditch Ash.  That's hardly a surprise she would love to move in full time but she won't while ever Ash is still in the house.

According to the Daily Mail Valentine's day has been cancelled in this house today and Cheryl has told Ash that he can't go to the Brit's.  I don't know where that twaddle has come from but it has not come from any one in this house. Given Ash wasn't going to the Brit's in the first place I really can't see how Cheryl banning him is really a punishment. In fact Ash hates events like the Brit's so dragging him a long with his ankle in plaster would be more of a punishment than making him stay at home.

The FA cup draw looks like fun with the boys likely to play against Man City. I'm sure Wayne Bridges will love playing against John Terry. Should be a real grudge match

Tension.

After the tabloids got stuck into Ashley again the atmosphere at Chez Cole gets tenser by the hour, ever celebrity knows that if the tabloids go after you on a Saturday you are in real trouble becuase the Sunday tabloids will always try and out do them. Ashley keeps moaning about his ankle to try and get sympathy but he will only get away with that for a few more days before Cheryl loses her patience. Ash is pleased that JT is on the front pages of most of the papers making up with his wife, he hopes that Cheryl will be equally understanding with him if the shit eventually hits the fan.

Posh Spice has apparently called Cheryl to say she can fly over and stop with her in LA if she needs some privacy away from all the press attention. What a nerve Posh trying to get some good press on the back of Cheryl's difficulties. Who the heck would go to LA to avoid the publicity.
If Ashley thinks I'm going to run around after him now he can't walk he can think again, I'm a celebrity dog not a working dog,.

The boys are playing Cardiff in the FA cup today so hopefully there will at least be some good news on the football front.

Naked Ash

What the heck has Ash gone and done now? Naked pictures of him have turned up on the mobile phone of a model. At what's worse is that when he was challenged about it by the press he gives the worst excuse possible. He only goes and claims he took the pictures himself using a mirror and then gave the phone away to a friend. What twaddle who te heck will believe a story like that. I'll give it a week before it's As who is in the dog house.

JT has been photographed canoodling with hiswife in Dubai so he's either turned on the charm or he got her to sign a pre-nup before they got married.

Grey Clouds over Chez Cole

Dear,dear, Ashley has damaged his ankle and could be out for three months. What a nightmare I'm going to have to put up with him getting under my feet for the next three months, that will really cramp my style. Worst still he may not be fit for the World Cup so I might not get the house to myself for a month. I might have to cancel the party I'd planned for all my mates.

The cat could well and truly be between the pigeons if Ashley can't go to Africa because his most obvious replacement would be Wayne Bridges. Can you imagine him playing along side JT?

Nadine is trying to big up her solo career by claiming that Girls Aloud may have to delay there comeback until she can fit them in. Who the heck does she think she is? Somebody needs to remind her that she's just a backing singer. The Girls can survive without her just like Take That survived without Robbie.

Busy day at Chez Cole

Ash was off and out early today because the lads have got a game against the scouse mob that wear the blue shirts. This could be a tricky game after the lads ran their socks off against Arsenal. Cheryl has given Ash strict instructions about coming straight home after the match and no sloping off drinking with the wild boys.

Simon seems to be hogging the limelight brcause 'his charity single is the fastest selling singe of the decade.
Well firstly the decade is ony just over a month old and secondly how is it Simon's record. He didn't write he song and he certainly didn't sing on it.

Cheryl's old X-factor foe Dannii Minogue has scored a victory against several newspapers who she claimed invaded her privacy because they announced she was pregnant before she had her scan. How can ay one who has just signed up for a fly-on-the wall reality show claim that her privacy is important to her?

Yet again Cheryl has been going on about Ashley's past misdemenors, she has warned JT's ex-mistress to
stay away from her hbby because she says she's worried he might stray again.  I don't know what she is worrying about I always give Ash a good sniff when he comes in and if I smell the faintess hint of perfume I'll send Cheryl an anonymous text warning her to be on the look out for any tell tail signs that he might be playing away, like spending to much time in he bathroom or excessive grooming or too much secretive texting.

If only men could lick their own balls like me I'm sure there would be less of this cheating going on. After all once a woman has hooked her man and got a ring on his finger the blow jobs suddenly come to an end and the husband eventually has to look elsewhere for oral  stimulaton.

What low profile?

Just when I was worried that Cheryl's media profile was getting too low key she goes blabbing to the gossip mags again. Yet again she brings up Ashley's alleged affair. Why oh why does she make it so easy for the tabloids? Before she brought it up again most people had almost forgotten about especially with JT looking a sleaze ball at the moment.

Happy Ashley

Ash has been walking around like a dog with two tails today after Chelsea stuffed the Gunners yesterday, I've no doubt that Fergie must have been weeping into his porridge this morning knowing that he's still got to play catch up.

Looks like Mad Max has been hard at work this weekend, as well as advising the French underwear model he's also been busy talking up Simon Cowell's latest relationship. Why does Simon always have to big up any new relationship? Any one would think that he was worried that the public might start to think that he batted for the other side. To be fair to him hooking up with a make up artist is no bad ideas especially when you are starting to show a few signs of aging.

Dannii has been busy again yesterday she was agreeing to appear in a fly on the wall series and now she's become the new face of M&S.I suppose they were looking for a celebrity who older women could identify with.

My fellow canines have been getting a bad press again just because they enjoy having the odd nip at passing postmen.  What the public don't realise is that we are performing as useful service. The more we chase them the fitter they become and as a result your letters arrive earlier.

X-factor Judging

After keeping a low profile all week Cheryl has finally had her cover blown she's been topping at a hotel in London while doig so promotional work and she's been spotted buying a coffee in Starbuck's. I'm really gutted because Cheryl always takes me to Starbuck's when she's a home. It's pne of the few places that we actually have any quality time together. Hopefully he will be home soon to pamper me.

Ash has been going through his last minute preparations before meeting up with the lads. He's started to listen to motivational tracks on his I-pod to try and get himself in the zone. When I had a listen most of the stuff sounded like absolute bollocks but Ash is convinced they will help him become a better player so he can win the league with Chelsea and the World cup with England.

Modern sportsman today are just so pampered what they really needed is a good old fashioned bollocking like the ones Brian Clough used to dish out when he was a manager.

Another week brings another wannabe claiming they would make an excellent replacement for Dannii on X-factor. This time it is opera singer Katherine Jenkins throwing her hat in the ring. Surely the last thing the show needs is an opera singer who used to do drugs. The show is trying to appeal to the widest possible audience by stayng as Chavvy as possible so the last thing it needs is a classical singer on the panel.

Tensions Rising

Ash has been abit on edge today, he always gets nervous before the local derby with Arsenal because the gunners fans always give him a hard time. Sadly many of them remember him moaning about having to live on £50,000 a week when he donned the red and white shirt. It's likely to be even more tasty tomorrow if the Arsenal fans start to have ago at JT I've already placed a bet on the Internet that there will be at least two red cards.  If Arsenal lose tomorrow and then lose to the scouse mob in the week their premiership ambitions are all but over. Ash knows he's got to put in a good shift because Wayne Bridges is now fit again and breathing down is neck for the left-back spot in the England team. I've no doubt he'll spend the next week trying to get even fitter going for long runs with 'Eye of the Tiger' blearing out of his I-pod.

One of Cheryl's backing singers Sarah H, has just taken 8 of her friends on an all expenses paid holiday to Barbados. How desparate does that make her look.  I hope that none of Cheryl's old friends are not expecting similar treatment. Can you imagine her taking a bunch of beer swilling Geordie Chavs to a 5 star hotel in a luxury resort? It would be carnage.

Apparently some of the WAGS are revolting! (you can say that again). They are not happy because Fabio AKA the God Father has said that they must stop in a hotel 80 miles away from the players so that they are not a distraction.  Given the recent revelations about JT keeping Wife's and Girlfriends 80 miles away from him sounds like a very sensible idea.

Cheryl's X-factor rival Dannii Minogue has agreed to take part in an a fly on the wall documentary show, remind me to buy extra pop-corn on the night she goes into labour.

News in Brief

Another quiet day in the papers for Cheryl, she needs to be careful about being too low profiles because the press will start turning attenion to another sexy female celeb.

Ashley got excited when rumours started circulating that JT was going to get the sack, Ash thought he might be a dark horse but Fabio clearly thought he was more of a cart-horse.

Where's Cheryl

Looking for pictures of Cheryl in the papers today was like playing where's Wally? I looked in all the gossip pages and all the fashion pages but there was not one picture of her. Has her popularity finally peaked or is it simply because Jordan is hogging all the headlines getting married to Alex? I can't believe she rushed off and got married in secret missing out on a lucrative magazine deal. I can only assume that she was desparate to get hitched to him before he realised that he didn't need her any more now that he is famous in his own right.

Ashley has been on the phone most of the day having a laugh about his old boss Avram grant being caught paying for sex at a brothel. apparently the lads are amused that Avram can pay the hookers but can't find the money to pay the players.

Hoping to meet up with my mates down at Starbucks today if Cheryl takes me out for a walk.

Botox in a bottle.

Decided to keep a low profile today, Ash is in a mood because he went all the way to Hull and only came back with a point. If we can't beat that bunch of donkeys what chance have got of finishing above the Manchester mob.

Simon has cried off from Britains Got Talent auditions in Birmingham because he's got flu! I'm not sure if it was the prospects of having to listen to the Brummie accent all day that did for him or if he is just fed up of having to sit next to Piers Morgan and Amanda all day that made him throw a duvet day. What do Piers and Amanda actually know about talent? Piers used to be a gossip columnist who some how became editor at Mirror before he was chucked out on his ear and Amanda used to think that Les Dennis was so talented that she married him. 

The Daily Mail had the nerve today to claim that Cheryl uses botox in a bottle to achieve her good looks. What a load of twaddle Cheryl might buy bottles of snake venom but she doesn't actually use it because I steal it from the fridge and then replace it with my piss. So if Cheryl is looking gorgeous at the moment it's all down to my urine rather than any expensive snake venom. If my piss really does have special powers then may be I should bottle it and sell it on the Internet

Surly Simon

My favourite pop mogul has been moaning to the papers because he doesn't like the fact that Cheryl is more popular than him. Surely he can't be surprised, he is after all the man who single-handedly destroyed the British music industry and gave us Mr.Blobby, Subo and the Cheeky girls.  I think there are some forms of cancer that are more popular tan him.

Cheryl has done her bit for Haiti singing on a charity record, whilst I'm all for her helping good causes I do think, 'Everybody Hurts' was a tad bit insensitive given home many people were injured by falling buildings.

JT is still hogging the front pages, apparently he's flying over to Dubai to building bridges with his wife, he obviously doesn't know what they do to adulterers in Dubai, it will be a very different backlash to the one he is getting over here.

What a day!

Still recovering from a very hectic weekend. Tension in Chez Cole is unbelievable. Ash is stuck between a rock and a hard place, he wants to show support to a team-mate without endorsing his behaviour. Cheryl has been doing some proper swearing and has made it quite clear to Ash what would happen to him if he ever got caught playing away from home.

Luckily for Ash he picked up a knock on Saturday night so he has been able to play on it to get a bit of sympathy from Cheryl.  Ash wasn't very pleased watchng the Gunners yesterday because he wanted them to take a few points off of the Manchester mob. He was even less happy when he heard Fergie say he wanted Arsenal to batter Chelsea in a weeks time.

Cheryl seems to have got herself another unhinged fan, a woman has made a huge picture of her out of crackers and cheese. Why oh why do people do things like that?

Weathers been a bit cold for my liking so have stayed in all day watching Sky Sports News with Ash, he's been getting lots of text from JT but he's not let me see them, once he's gone to sleep I'll get his mobile and have a gander at the messages.