Xmas is nearly here

Cheryl's autobiography has become the No1 selling book in the run upto Christmas, who the heck wants to read a book about a stick insect when you are fat and bloated after Christmas dinner.




Cheryl apparently felt choked up after receiving a Christmas card from ex-husband Ashley, perhaps if she was better at swallowing they would still be together.

Still not spooted any presents with my name on.. What could I be getting?

Ashley new woman

Looks like Ashley has finally moved on from Cheryl and now he's dating the sexy blonde bird fromI'm a celebrity. Given how bad Ashley is at cooking dinner with Ash will make those bush tucker trials look like a walk in the park.

Now that Cheryl can see Ash has moved on may be she will now settle down and find a new bloke who she can get coupled up with.

OMG

I don't believe it. Cheryl has only gone and bought me a silly boody outfit to wear for Christmas. If she thinks I'm going to wear it and look a tit she can think again. As soon as she put's it on me I'm crap all over it so she has to throw it away.  She doesn't have to wear stupid outfits so why should I?

Cold,cold,cold

Why is it still so bloody cold. I'm really not suited to this kind of weather, I've no extra layers of flab in insulate me and my outstide skin is practically thread bare. The only thing I can do is hide under my blanket and dream of Christmas. Simon has clearly got the best idea flying off to somewhere nice and hot for the next few weeks. The only problem he might have is getting back into the country at the endof his holiday if the runways are still covered in ice.




While Simon is away Louis has been left behind to keep Simon's bride to be entertained. He seems to be doing a good job of it if the pictures of the two of them in the papers is anything to go by.



Katie is back performing infront of a handful of fans again,Matt is still busy milking his new found fame and Wagner hasn't done anything outragous for days now. Looks like it's back to business as usual.



Had a good sniff round Cheryl's room today but didn't manage to find my present. What could it be?

Arise Sir Simon

According to at least one paper Simon Cowell could be in line for a Knighthood in the New Years honours list, here's hoping the queen slips when she has the sword near to his head. He already thinks he's god now what will he be like if he becomes a Sir?

Matt has made it to the coverted Christmas number one slot but lets face it he didn't have a great deal of competition given his nearest rival called 4 minutes of silence. Even Wagner could have beaten 240 seconds of silence.

Shaon's back on the booze

Nicole Scherzinger would be a much better judge than Cheryl Cole on the US version of X-factor; according to Sharon Osbourne. If Sharon's started bitching about Cheryl it must mean she's been at the Christmas sherry already.


Simon Cowell has now come out......, (well not quite yet) and said George Michael will not be a judge on US X-factor. Well that's not really news most people saw the original story for the pile of stinking pooh that it was.

15minutes and counting.

Looks like Matt is trying to cram as much as he can into his 15 minutes of fame: partying, drinking, Radio and TV interviews and giving newspaper exclusives. At the rate he is going we will all be bored of him by early January and we will be waiting for new talent to emerge on BGT.

Apparently Michael McIntyre plans to lose weight before becoming a judge on Britain's got Talent. Why on earth would he want to do that, all you have to do is sit behind a desk pressing a button and make the ocassional silly comment. I think even I could manage to do that.

No way.

It must be getting close to Christmas because the papers are printing any rubbish. Today one paper was even suggesting that George Michael might become a judge on X-factor.  How many bottles of wine would a journalist need to drink to come up with such a stupid story?  Apart from the fact he's not had a hit record for at least a decade there's the small matter of his criminal record that is not likely to go down well in the US.
I think Simon has started this story off just to try and wind Cheryl up because there is no way the yanks would buy into having an all British judging panel,

He talks bollocks and buys bottox.

Simon has bought his three fellow judges £3000 worth of Bottox vouchers as a thank you present for their help during the series. Whilst I'm sure Louis was very grateful Dannii and Cheryl have let it be known that they are less than impressed. I don't know why Dannii is making such a fuss given that it is a well known fact she has been having bottoxs for years. I think Cheryl is cross because she sees it as Simon having a dig at her. It could have been worse he could have bought her £3000 worth of singing lessons, now that would have been cruel.  

Picking over the bones

As X-factor starts to wind down the papers are still trying to get a few extra column inches out of analysing the voting figures. I can't see why they are bothering it's not going to change the result.
Most journalists have reached the conclusion that Simon did his best to keep in the acts that created the most publicity for the show. Given how good the viewing figures have been this year he seems to have done a fine job once again. 

The show has made £150m for ITV so that should help them knock out a few more episodes of 'Dickinson's RealDeal' and the 'Jeremy Kyle show.'

smug, detached, over-emotional

The backlash against Cheryl has reared it's ugly head again with the usually nutters on the Internet rushing to slag her off. Her major crime this time is that she didn't do enough to help Rebecca. The anti-Cheryl mob believe she wasted too much time with Cher and Katie leaving Rebecca to paddle her own canoe. I think this criticism is probably a tad unfair on Cheryl. The work that Cheryl did with Cher and Katie didn't really help them all that much.  When the voting figures were announced they prove that Katie did badly most weeks frequently relying the judges to save her, Cher also only just managed to hold on by her finger nails most week.

The voting figures do seem to back up all the claims that the show was fix. Mary had more votes than Cher in the semi's but Cher was protected from the vote by the judges so she survived. It also appears that Mary went very close to knocking out 'One Direction.' That would have been interesting TV if Cher and One Direction had been forced into a 'sing off'. Simon would have saved his act and Cheryl would have saved  her act but how would Louis and Dannii have voted.

After making it to the final only to fall at the last hurdle Cher went off to sulk on Sunday night and so she missed Matt being crowned champ.  She then blamed Cheryl for being knocked out and then claimed she would finish up being bigger than Simon so I can only assume she isgoing to buy some shoes with very big heels on.

Over at last.

God this series of X-factor seems to have been going on forever. Cheryl act managed to bag the runners up spot which was probably the best she could have hoped for because Simon clearly anted a boyband or a strong male vocalist to win.  I can't believe they allowed all the dreadful rejects to make one last appearance I thought Simon wanted the show to be all about discovering and nurturing talent not some kind of modern day freak show.

A new poll carried out to find the most popular judge found that Dannii out performed Cheryl with Louis trailing in in last place. This should come as no reall surprise given that Dannii was looking after some of the nicest acts whilst Cheryl had to keep defending Katie and Cher and Louis was lumbered with Mary and Wagner.  Dannii alos seems to have won the fashion stakes as well but as I keep pointing out she has more time on her hands to pick the best clothes while Cheryl is here, here and everywhere so she doesn't have days to waste hunting for the riht dress to wear.

I did get a spot of good news today about my housing status. It appears that Cheryl is buying a new pad in the West End not far from Simon. Hopefully if Cheryl takes me with her I'll get the chance to hang out with a few celebrity bitches.

The Witch is dead.

Finally Cher has been voted off of the X-factor. If only I had learned how to use speed dial sooner she would have been out weeks ago. I've no doubt she will be bombarding Cheryl with text and phone calls over the next few days. If Cheryl's not careful she could end up being her stalker.  It now looks like a straight fight between Rebecca and Matt. Cheryl will be rooting for Rebecca  but I've now reached the point that I'm past caring as long as it's all over by Sunday night and normality can return for a few days before Christamas kicks in.

Every loser wins.

Oh dear, Simon has said all four acts in the final could get record deal. What is the point of that? So even if Cher gets kicked out we will still have to listen to her on the radio. Surely it would be better if they adopted a winner takes all approach with all the losers being forced to take a vow of silence for at least a year if they don't win.

Just three more days to go.

After seeing Simon's smug face in every newspaper and on every TV show I'm now looking forward to Sunday nights final, hopefully once the winner has been announced Simon will disappear somewhere for a few months so we can all have a rest from him.

I can't understand why all the journalist bend over backwards to brown nose him. He makes one outrageous claim after another but none of the journalist ever takes him to task over his statements. Why is he so confident that Ofcom are not going to tick him off for ripping of viewers? Has he got some inside knowledge? Or does he just know they are a bunch useless tossers who wouldn't say boo to a goose if they could help it.

Cher got all upset today at a press conference because she has just found out that everyone hates her, did she really think that a chav doing some rapping was really going to be popular with the British public or more to the point the nations teenage text generation.

Cheryl is still well behind Dannii in the style stakes I hope she's got something special to wear in the final to help her grab that last minute equaliser.

Cher seems to be morphing into Cheryl again with both of them now having the same coloured hair, the last time a saw someone with purple hair they were being treated for nits.

How sweet?

Cheryl has popped round to see Cher's mum and then she went out dancing with her.  I'm not really sure if Cheryl is giving her so much support because she believes she has potential or whether or not she wants her to act as a boddy double in the event of anyone trying to attack her.

Simon says

Simon has given an exclusive interview to 'The Sun' in which he denies that X-factor is fixed. That's OK then if Simon say's it's not fixed it clearly isn't fixed. It is obviously just a coincidence that the four acts Simon wanted in the final have all made it to the final. He probably wanted Katie in there as well but he would have had to let five acts into the final to do that.

Cheryl has been up to Liverpool with Rebecca to try and disprove rumours that she spends more time with Cher than her other acts. I wonder if she will go out selling pegs and lucky heather with Cher tomorrow to keep her happy?

Fix, Fix, Fix

All the papers seem to be in agreement on one thing today that last nights vote was a fix. It seems that most pundits and voters had been lead to believe that it would be totally down to the voters to determine who would make it to the final, but a few weeks ago, probably around the time that Cher found herself in the bottom two for the first time Simon changed the rules so that he would control who stay and who goes.  What a shame he didn't tell that to the viewers or the people who spent money voting in the belief that their vote might make a difference.

At least one paper is also suggesting that Cheryl and Ash are texting each other again. I'm sure they are but it probably all to do with the nitty gritty of selling the house rather than hugs and kisses. They are probably also discussing who will look after me and Coco if madam heads over to the states. Hopefully Ash might be given custody so that I can stay put and protect the house against nosey journalists and intruders.

How predictable.

What a surprise Cher turns on the water works and gets to the final and Mary get's sent home. Whilst Cheryl and Simon were always going to vote for the Princess of the Chav's I really don't understand Dannii. On a Saturday night she talks a lot of sense pointing our Cher's weakness's but then come Sunday she falls under Simon's spell ans supports the act that he wants to keep in the show. What is the point in te viewers voting if their votes are just going to be ignored by the panel?

I still think One Direction or Matt will win because it is essentially silly teenage girls who waste their money each week voting for these acts. Rebecca is too classy to pick up votes from teenage girls and Cher is too trashy to pick up the votes of the teenage girls. So just like last year the boys will take first and second spot with the girls back in third and fourth.  Simon will be happy because he makes a fortune whover wins, Dannii will be happy because she's got a act in the final, Cheryl will be pleased because two of her acts made it to the final and Louis will be happy because it will be all over again for another year.

What marvelous medicine!

All weeks the papers have been full of stories about how sick all the judges and contestants were on X-factor, yet come Saturday night they all put on their glad rags and performed. So I think it's safe to assume that most of the stories were bullshit.

Can someone explain to me what is the point of Cher? Is she not just a gobby, stroppy , talentless teenager who things that rapping is still cool?  Rap is so last year girlfriend. The only people who rap now are performers who can't sing for toffee.

The papers have finally woken up to the fact that Cheryl's mum is a bossy bitch who wants to rule the world. Some canny journalist must have taken a peep at my blog to find out the truth about what goes on behind the scenes at Chez Cole.

What the heck is happening at Chelsea? By the end of October the title was in the bag but at the moment they could be fighting with Liverpool nd Spurs for the fourth third spot if they keep playing the way they are. Has the godfather lost is touch or have boys gone off the boil since Ray got the sack.


It was too cold for any love action again today but I reckon by Monday my luck will be back in.

Since when was wearing a woollen hat a news story.

At least one paper today thought Cheryl wearing a woollen hat was a major news story, more important than the country being at a standstill or England not getting to hoste the world cup.

Mary and Matt are both meant to be ill so all the papers are using the meltdown word again. How well do you need to be to mime to a backing track. This is just the usual spin to reduce expectation so that if either of them put in a half decent performance it will be seen as remarkable.

Still too cold to out so spent the afternoon in my basket sucking on a dogs best friend.

Battersea Dogs home here I come!

What a grim day I've had today. First I wake to find it's still bloody cold and then I discover that Cheryl is off to LA and taking her mother with her.  Now I'm no great fan of her mother but at least while ever she is around I have a roof over my head. But what if she leaves the country where does that leave me and Coco?
Will we be sold or put up for adoption?  Will Ashley come to our rescue and let us stay at the house afte Cheryl leaves and he moves in.  It's all very upseting.

Looks like Golden Balls had a bad day as well, despite making an emotionakl speech to FIFA the England bid only managed to get 2 votes. How pathetic was that. Luckily for Ashley he will have retired by 2018 so he will not have to go to Russia.

Not more bloody snow!

Whatever happened to global warming? I thought this country set to become hotter and hotter not colder and colder. It's a nightmare I've not had a good hump for ages. If I don't use my dick soon I'm sure it's going to drop off. It's not meant to snow before Christmas it's just not British. No wonder Cheryl is so keen to bugger off to LA.

Talking of LA it looks like Cheryl may have a bit of a problem, several newspapers have now mentioned the fact that Cheryl needs a green card if she wishes to work in America but officials in America can get a bit arsey if you have any kind of criminal conviction. Sadly for Cheryl she got a conviction seven years ago for hitting a cloakroom attendant. I'm sure that Cheryl will have no problem getting around this obstacle because in America rich people can get the best justice that money can afford and with her cash and Simon's cash anything is possible.

The remaining acts in X-factor are slowly starting to jockey for position before Saturday's Semi final. Rebecca think Cher is getting special help because Cheryl spends so much more time with her. The reason Cheryl spends so much time with Cher is because she is fairly crap and extremely needy. I still think the final will be between One Direction and Matt so really the girls and Mary are just the side show. Most of the voters are teenage girls so I can't see too many voting for Cher because she's a Chav. The chances are come Sunday night it will be Mary and Cher in the sing off and Mary will be heading back to Tesco's.