Poor Old Face Ache.

Simon is not a happy chappy at present because some one has leaked the names of the 12 people who have made it through to the live shows. Given that he usually likes to control every last thing that happens on the show losing control must be very tough on him. If viewers know in advance who is in and who is out all the amateur dramatics at the judges houses because fairly meaningless. But really in the age of Facebook, Twitter and blogging it is very hard to see how anything can really stay a secret for very long unless you lock all the contestants away in a cave for the next couple of months.  

Chezza has been busy today flogging diamonds with a couple of her backing singers, apparently the three of them picked up nearly quarter of a million for a couple of hours of standing around looking pretty. It's nice work if you can get it.  I wonder how long I will have to wait for my diamond encrusted dog collar?

Why bring back Sharon?

Just when I was starting to look forward to watching X-factor at the weekend I discover that Louis has brought back Sharon to help him pick is three acts for the final.  Why would he want to bring back that old bag? She's not got a clue about the music industry in this country or what the British public want. I could do a better job that Sharon, and I'm prettier. The only possible reason I can think why Louis would want her sitting next to him is that she will make him look a lot younger than he actually is.

Working with Sharon has clearly rubbed off on Louis because he has started bitching about Dannii and Cheryl. He has made it clear that Dannii is an acquaintance rather than a friend. And he reckon's he's been given the job of handling the over 25's because the two girls couldn't handle the job.  What drivel! How many times has Louis managed to mentor a winning act? The only thing he really knows anything about is boybands. He will lose this year like he has lost every other year.

Truly shocking

I can't believe that a dog managed to get itself electrecuted just peeing on a lampost. I've been taking leaks on lamposts for years and never even had a bit of static.  It must have either been a very big waz or a dodgy lampost.

Chelsea had a good win in Europe, I really have a feeling in my water that Chelsea could finally win the European Cup this year, they will certainly do better than Man U, especially with Shrek injured and Scoles and Giggs starting to look very old all of a sudden. I tink Man U will have to settle for the League Cup this year.

With a big X-factor weekend the Cowell publicity machine will go into overdrive in the next couple of days.
Cheryl and Dannii are also pushing books so it's going to be all go on the publicity front.

Poor old Becks

What has become of golden balls that he is having to use a $25m writ just to keep a hooker quiet? He says all her claims are rubbish so why not just ignore her.  I'm guessing that she doesn't have $25m or else she would not be selling her body. Beck's should just get her to appear on the Jeremy Kyle show so they can both take a lie detector job.  I'm really struggling to think at the moment of one England footballer who is squeaky clean at the moment.

After looking at all the acts left in X-factor I'm struggling to spot an out and out winner. Simon is desperate for a girlband to win but none of the girl bands really look that strong. Some of the individual girls sound good but after girls have won 2 of last 3 series I don't think Simon needs another female soloists. I will have to wait until they are down to the last 12 before making a prediction bit it's not going to be easy.

Chelsea have got plenty of injuries at the moment so As is going to have to play out of his socks for the next three games until Frank and the other guys are ready to make a comeback. 

When will I be out on the street?

According to Fleet Streets finest, Ashley has been consulting with his lawyers to get Cheryl booted out of the house. Given how little time she actually spends in the place I'm surprised she is even putting up a fight. But if Cheryl is forced to sling her hook wat will happens to me. Will I be kept on as one of the fixtures and fittings or will I be forced to move to Newcastle to live with her mum?

I can't say I'm too keen to move up north because it's too bloody cold up there in the winter. The cold really messes up my sex life because shagging al fresco isn't really an option when you willy shrinks away to nothing.  I've enjoyed a few oudoor adventures up there in he Summer but I know how demanding those Northern bitches can be. The first time I fail to deiver they will never let me live it down.

Chelsea had a bad day yesterday losing to Man City with that ugly Argentinian striker grabbing the only goal. Luckily Arsenal and Spurs both slipped up so if United have a bad day at Bolton the damage will be fairly limited.

Who says I'm not interested.

Cheryl has blabbed to the papers that she stopped ringing me and Coco because we took no notice of her calls.  How the hell does she know if we took any notice or not unless her mum told her. The truth is we loved listening to her voice on the phone the only probably was she had no understanding of time zones so she was always ringing in the middle of the night when we were asleep.

Stick to Dancing Derek.

Derek has allegedly been writing cheesy love songs for Cheryl. Presumably they must be songs that have lots of quavers in them! Lets face it he may be a good dancer that doesn't make him Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Cheryl has made it quite clear that she is going to pull out all the stops to win back the title of number one female judge on X-factor, she is worried that some of the stand in judges have done well and put her nose out of joint. Nicole in particular has had lots of good reviews so Cheryl is keen to steal back the iniative. In the new shows she is planning to wear tops that show off her tits and she is going to have a string of one-liners to show off her wit.

Cheryl selling stockings now.

First it was music and TV, then it was cosmetics and hair products now Cheryl is making a splash selling stockings. Since Chezza started advertising tights and stockings sales have sored. I'm not if this is to do entirely with fashion and how much it is to do with the rise in the number of people turning to robbing banks to try and make ends meet.

Simon Cowell has been playing god again telling singers at boot camp that they are not to get into relationships with each other. What a plank he should concentrate on his own love life and keep his nose out of other peoples affairs.

The eagle has landed with Dannii arriving back in Britain to appear on X-factor but do we really need her? I thought the new government had changed the law so that people could only come to work in this country if there was no one else suitable to do the job already in the country. All the recent shows have proved that there are plenty of people better than Dannii at being a judge. They should send her back to OZ or find her a pantomime to appear in.

Lookaike my arse.

One of the favourites in his years X-factor is being described as a Cheryl lookalike. What a load of tosh just because Cher is fairly skinny and has long hair it doesn't make her a lookalike I think the word the papers are looking for is Wannabe, someone who goes to great lengths to look like  celeb but falls well short.

There's even more twaddle in the press today about 'Chloe the X-factor Hooker', a reporter from 'The Sun' went to great trouble filming her offering herself for sex. The only sight flaw in the exclusive story is that se admits herself that she has already been booted off the show so it is a total non-story aimed at titilating readers and cashing in on the X-factor brand.  I'm sure Simon won't complain the whole thing will drag in thousands of extra punters on Satuday which is all good news for Simon's ank balance.

I can't believe Chelsea have lost their first match of the sean to bloody Newcastle. I wonder if Cheryl text Ashley to gloat. 

His she or isn't she?

A friend of Derek has gone blabbing to the press saying that Derek and Cheryl are not an item and the whole relationship thing has been one big hoax.  I really wish Cheryl would settle this once and for all and say if they really are an item.  I really can't believe Cheryl would spend so much of her time jetting off to LA to see Derek unless they were doing the dirty.  May be Simon is planning some kind of publicity stunt where Derek proposes to Cheryl live on air. That would be a perfect way to boost X-factor ratings if viewing figures start to dip.

Allowing a hooker to get through to the next round seems to be generating the publicity that Simon wanted. A few of the papers reckon that she has been arrested 140 times by police for soliciting. His this really the kind of act that the show should be promoting?

I was appauled to see on the telly that a couple have thrown a dog out of the back of their car to dump it.  I can't believe how scum like that are allowed to own dogs. I hope these people are caught and thrown ehind bars for a long time.

Will Cheryl ever stop moaning

It would appear that Chezza is none too happy about the house for her acts. She was not impressed to find that the builders were still working on the place when she arrived and that they interupted performances by banging around and making lots of noise.  Sounds to me like she's fed up with X-factor and doesn't really want to be there. I think she would rather be relaxing next to a pool somewhere hot rather than stuck in a drafty house in England.

Will.Iam has flown in to assist her with her judge her acts but this will just get all the tongues wagging again especially if Derek is not on the scene. Cheryl is probably feeling the pressure this year after winning for the last two years. I'm sure Simon will pull out all the stops to stop her winning again. We can expect lots of stories in the paper showing Cheryl's acts in a bad light, and Simon his bound to ensure the themes each week will be harder for Cheryl's acts than anybody elses.

The weather was unexpectedly nice this afternoon so I managed to get down to the park for some dog on dog action.

Bring Back Chezza

Tried to watch X-factor again tonight but it really isn't the same without Chezza on the panel. Simon clearly realised this and used all kinds of gimmicks to try and bring a bit of life to the show, at one point they turned Louis into a black and white character to high-light how grumpy he was being. But too be honest given how poor some of the acts were I'm not surpised Louis was miserable.

Dannii Minogue appears to have opened up a can of worms with her latest book, all the stuff she has written about Sharon Osborne has clearly touched a raw nerve because Kelly has hit back slagging off Dannii. It really is a depressing  sight to watching two failed singers  having a slanging match over such a truly dismal book. I'm sure if Harry Hill was on the box at the moment he would be urging the pair of them to have a fight.

Book Wars.

Hold the front the page. Cheryl and Dannii are supposedly are war with each other again over who has produced the best book this year. Dannii's book is just a drab account of her life so far, whilst Cheryl has produced a book of pictures with Ashley airr-brushed out. They are competing for sales today but in 6 months time they will be competing for space in the discount book stores. After all that has been written about the par of them and all the pictures in the press do the public really need either of these books?

In the fifth installment of this years freak show a part-time hooker who tried and failed to sing three different songs was voted through to the next round despite little Louis stamping his feet and saying know. I wonder why Simon was so keen to vote through some one who has been grabbing so many headlines for the last few weeks. Simon clearly believes that all publicity is good publicity. If a hooker did win a X-factor they would just go from being shafted by lots of men to being screwed by just one man.

The will she stay or will she go saga continues, yesterday Cheryl was heading off to the US, but today she has come out and said she is not moving to America. I do wish she would make her mind up, it's just so unsettling for me not knowing who is going to look after me.

Posh Spice has admitted she dresses her dog like a little girl because she wants to have a little baby girl, I hope that Cheryl doesn't start doing the same when she starts craving a baby. I totally object to being dressed as a girl especially if I have to go out in public.

The gloves are finally off.

After keeping quiet through out the divorce case Ashley has found his voice again telling Cheryl to sling her hook from the house. I can't say that I blame her after all he bought the house when he was the main bread winner, Cheryl never uses the place and it's just around the corner from the Chelsea training ground. I've no doubt this whole dispute will now be fought out in the full glare of publicity. And I'm stuck in the middle of it all.


Rumours are abuzz that Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger is about to ink a multimillion-dollar deal to be a judge on  Cowells new American X Factor show.  I don't think Chezza will be pleased having to compete for attention with Nicole. I'm sure there will be a mad scramble to see who gets to sit next to Simon on the judging panel.

Simon finally gets his way with Cheryl!

After months of manipulating and manouvering Simon has finally got his way and Cheryl has agreed to go and join him on America's X-factor. It looks like in the end the chance to make an easy £3m patronising young American hopefuls, the promise of lots of sun-shine and the possibility of launching a solo career in the USA all proved too tempting.  The fact that her backing singers have now all gone their separate ways has probably helped her to reach her decision.

Whilst I'm clearly pleased to see that Cheryl is doing well for herself I can't help but worry about where this all leaves me. I hardly see her at all now so what are the chances of me getting to see her when she's in the States apart from using a web-cam or switching onto ITV3?  I've no doubt her mum will move in and make out like she owns the place ordering the staff around and behaving like lady muck. What a shame dogs can't have a say in who they get to live with. If I had a choice I'd pick Ashley every time rather than her mum. He may have been a naughty boy and he may sulk a bit at times but at least he used to take me out and buy me treats.

Is the tide starting to turn?

Over the last three or four years Cheryl has been the darling of the media and been taken to the nations heart, but slowly but surely Cheryl's star has started to fall. Whilst she has put in a lot of effort into her new single including dressing as a ballarina in the video several people who have heard the track have given it a luke warm reception. Could the public be tiring of Cheryl. She has been on the front of every magazine, splashed across the tabloids and staring out of every billboard.

Such overkill can backfire especially if the public feel they are being taken for granted. Watching Cheryl rushing over to the states at a drop of a hat is not helping her image. While people felt sorry for her when Ashley was caught doing the dirty on her, overtime the sympathy has started to wear thin with every interview she gives moaning about how tough life has been for her. The public just see a star with a big house, lots of money, a good looking bloke and lots of perks and don't see a lot of suffering.

Chelsea had a good win tonight even without Ashley playing. They are clearly resting him for bigger games.

That Derek seems a bit of a cheap skate to me.

According to the papers Cheryl has been over in LA having a romantic weekend with Derek but what I don't get is why she has to spend her hard earned cash and waste precious time flying over to the states when he could fly over to her. She is run off her feet trying to do two jobs at the same time while he is basically bumming around doing nothing. When she got to LA he took her to a posh restaurant but they spent all night talking so presumably that meant he didn't have to splash out much of his cash on food. What a cheap skate!

How much more money does Simon need?

It would appear that Simon's recent hints about walking away from X-factor has all been part of an elaborate poker game with ITV. It does appear to have paid off for money bags though because he has got ITV to make him an offer of £24m to stay with he channel. That you buy him plenty of 'T'shirts and sun-glasses.
Perhaps there should be a national campaign to raise £24m to pay him to bugger off to a desert island instead.

The X-factor producers didn't think Cheryl would be up to travelling abroad with her acts this year so they have found her a very big luxury house in Poole in Dorset. Whilst Cheryl is probably a bit miffed about having to stay in this country I'm hoping that this means I might be able to go a long and stay with her and assist her in sniffing out the acts that really stink. I'd love to spend time running a long on a Dorest beach chasing stones and sticks.

Are Girls Aloud about to split?

It's increasingly looking like Girls Aloud have reached Splitsville with Nadine saying that she has left the group. None of the others seem to be in a rush to get back together so Cheryl can fully concentrate on her solo career once she has escaped the clutches of X-facor. Talking of X-factor the show is starting to look like a marriage that is on it's last legs. Louis and Simon can't agree on anything and when the two do fall out over an act Cheryl seems to side with Simon rather than Louis. Whilst the guest judges have helped to break up the tension a little as soon as the guest judge goes and leaves Simon, Louis and Cheryl alone together they start to squabble again.

Running back to Derek

Cheryl has added more points to her airmiles account by flying back to LA to see Derek. For someone still recovering from Malaria she seems to be doing an awful lot od travelling.  I think she was hoping to get Derek to come over here and work with her in the X-factor house but programme bosses have told her that Derek is not really mentor material because he is a dancer rather than a singer. To make things worse the bosses have said they want Willl.Iam to work with her instead. That is bound to put pressure on her relationship with Derek. (Assuming she really is having a relationship with him.)

Simon also seems to be trying to put pressure on Cheryl by hinting that Katy Perry is more suited to be a judge on American X-factor than Cheryl. He seems to have changed his tune from last year when he was begging Cheryl to go to America.  I'm sure the two of them must have had some kind of falling out.

Tonights X-factor ws truly awful, most of the acts were poor but the show was made worse when they kept rejecting acts and then bringing them back. It was all clearly staged but such stunts make a mockery of the show.

Cheryl  has apparently sent a supporting message to Coleen, wife of love-rat Wayne Rooney - urging her to stay strong through her marriage woes, I wonder if she also recommended a good lawyer? The whole affair is good news for Chelsea because it caused Rooney to miss the match at Everton today and it cost United 2 points. Meanwhile Ashley and the boys had another stormer opening the gap even further at the top.

How can a celebrity be scared of photographers?

Cheryl  has admitted she is terrified about being photographed - in case she mistakenly displays her rude bits, now come on Cheryl your tits aren't that big, even if they ever did pop out of your dress no-one would ever notice. What she really nmeans is that she is scared of a photographer snapping a picture of her looking dog rough. Apparently tabloids now pay more money for pictures of celebrities looking rough than for pictures of the looking attractive. Members of the public it would seem can't believe that a celebrity would ever leave home without spending at least two hours putting on make up and brushing their hair.

Perhaps there should be one day every year when every celebrity refuses to wear make up for 24 hours. The papers could then get a picture of all the celebs looking rough and then they could leave them alone for a whlie.

Cheryl doesn't need a man?

The papers are now claiming that Cheryl is through with men for the time being because she doesn't need one. That's right!
Who will get rid of the big spiders in the bathroom?
Who will carry all her heavy shopping bags back to the car when she needs retail therapy?
Who will tell her if a dress makes her bum look big?
Who will shield her from the paparazzi?
Who will bring her breakfast in bed?
Who will get her a hanky during a weepy movie?
Who will explain the off-side rule to her?
Who will keep her wam in bed?
Who will put out the rubbish at night?
Who will cook met on the BBQ for her?

Just because she has  had one bad experience with a man doesn't mean that all men are bastards, and that she has to give them up for good.

Has Derek been dumped?

The news on the street suggests that Cheryl has given Derek the elbow because she wants so space. Now I'm not too sure about this because I never actually thought they were an item in the first place. I think he was just a safe bloke who she had around to prevent advances from other men. By cutting him adrift she is actually signalling to other blokes that she is back on he market again. It will be interesting to see how quickly Will.Iam comes sniffing around now he knows she is officially single again. I do think that Simon has warned her off of Will because he doesn't think the public would warm to them as a couple, having said that I don't think their is a man on this planet who would meet with Simon's approval at the moment.

Looks as though Piers Morgan is about to go annd makes lots more dosh in the US when he takes over from Larry King, if Simon and Cheryl go and live over in the states as well ITV will have no talent left at all they will just be left with Louis and Amanda! Heaven help us. I think I'll try and smuggle myself into the US in one of Cheryl's suitcases, she takes so many that they will never have time to check them all. I just need to take a few tablets to help me to sleep for 12 hours. 

Promises, promises.

Simon Cowell has been rushing round telling journalists that this may be the last series of X-factor and that he might be leaving BGT. Obviously this is not a new story because he allows the same rumour to start every year just to gather extra publicity, but just supposing he is telling the truth this time what would he do with himself. He claims that he will just do the US version of X-factor but that will only occupy him for four months of the year will he really spend the rest of the year out of the limelight?

The other problem with concentrating all his efforts in the US is that unlike in this country the gun laws in America are very relaxed. If he treats American's nutcases in the same way that he treats nutcases in Britain it will only be a matter of time before one of them takes a pot shot at him. Like in the US for Simon will require loads of body guards and a tight fitting bullet proof vest.

Just let it lie woman.

Just wen it looked like the divorce was over and done with Cheryl decides to give an interview to a magazine saying how much Ashley let her down. Until now the public have been on Chery's side but if she keeps whinging on about how bad things have been for her the public might start to turn against her. Despite all her woes she's made millions of pounds this year, she fly's round the world, stops in the best hotels and she has a good looking boyfriend.

Nadine has clearly had no joy getting a record deal so she's set up her own record company to produce an LP how desperate does that make her look? Next thing you know she's be appearing on BGT. When will se realise that she is a backing singer rather a solo act. When things go pear-shaped se will be begging the other girls to get back together to make a new album and go on tour.

Ashley is having a bit of bad luck at the moment, while he was away training with England, some low life broke into his flat and robbed him. What disgraceful behaviour robbining a footballer while he's serving queen and country. If I'd been in the flat I would have taken large chunks out of the thief.  

How long before I'm in the Battersea dogs home?

After Cheryl battled long and hard to get possession of me in the divorce courts she is now telling all and sundry that she is planning to move to LA. If she's planning to take me that will presumably involve me having to spend months and months in quarantine. By the time I'm allowed in the USA she may have gone off the idea of LA and moved back to England. If she doesn't take me then what will become of me. She won't let Ashley have me out of spite so I could end up having to live with her bloody mother. I can't see that lasting ong because at the first chance she gets her mum be on a plane to join Cheryl in LA leaving me behind with a housekeeper or shipped off to Battersea dogs home. I never thought that being a celebrity pooch coud become this difficult.

I'm not surprised Cheryl is so keen to move to America given the way in which X-factor is heading further down the hill. Last night a couple of foul mouthed chavs finished up hitting each other while Simon siled and rubbed his hands knowing that it would do wonders for the shows viewing figures.

Looks like Rooney has been caught out getting his legover with a hooker again. I've now lost count of the number of England players who have been caught playing away from home. That team must have been knackered even before they got to South Africa, many of them must have then lay awake at night worried about wat gossip would appear in the next days paper.

How low will he go?

Looks as though Cowell is trying to use Cheryl's divorce to drum up publicity for X-factor, this morning he gave 'exclusive' interviews to two tabloids babbling on about how well he thought Cheryl had dealt with the pressure of getting divorced. And there was me thinking the divorce was all Cheryl's idea egged on by Simon who doesn't like Ashley. If Simon really wanted to give Cheryl his support why didn't he just send her flowers or give her a call rather than having his thoughts splashed across the papers. What makes Simon  such an expert on divorce given that he's never even been married.

Posh Spice should be charged with animal cruelty after getting her dogs nails painted. Whoever heard of a bull dog with painted nails. All the other dogs are bound to take the piss out of her.

They think it's all over, it is now.

I'm now part of a broken family. Ash and Cheryl have now divorced and I'm now just listed as a possession rather than a family pet. Apparently Cheryl want's to keep me even though she is never at home. I'm not sure if Ashley will try and gain visiting rights.

Simon is moaning again because the BBC are showing Strictly Come Dancing at the same time as X-factor.
He is clearly worried that a show that requires skill and dedicatiom might pull in more viewers than his glorified Karaooke competition.

Ashley had another good game for England tonight as we beat Bulgaria 4-0. Fabio couldn't muster up a smile though, I think he wanted the FA to sack him so he could walk away with millions of pounds in a Golden handshake. But instead they are keeping him on so he has to earn his money.

Cheryl working hard in LA.

Summer seems to have returned at last, had a very successful afternoon down at the park, met a couple of nice bitches who were both left satisfied and gagging for more. Hopefully I'll get back down there again in the morning for second helpings.

When I got back from the park there was a message on the ansaphone from Cheryl, she reckons her new single is the best record she has made so far, she is also planning to make a video later in the week with some top video makers. So hopefully she will b back at the top of the charts very soon so that people start talking about her music again rather than her private life and her health. She says she's missing me and Coco and can't wait to get home to see us both. It's been so long she was last here that she will proably need SATNAV just to find the house again.

The FOR SALE sign is yet to arrive so I think all the talk about Cheryl selling up was just silly gossip. I really don't think Ceryl would be happy with ever Tom, Dick and Harriet wandering round her house having a nosey when she is not around. If she does ever sell I'm sure she will do it at auction where people will have to bid without having to look around.  If any housebuyers do get over the doorstep you can be sure I will be snapping at their ankles.

Cheryl's new book

Cheryl is due to launch a new book tomorrow of initimate photos. I wonder how many of these pictures will include yours truly? I've had plenty of pictures taken with Cheryl but I don't think I will have made it into the final edit. More importantly I wonder if Ashley will have been air-brushed out of her life entirely.

Simon is bending over backwards again to keep X-factor in the headlines today he said it was OK for a prostitute to take part in the show because the show was designed to help people move on to better things. Come on Simon you are really scraping the barrel now. Simon has also said that he would like Katy Perry to be a judge on the show but he has not revealed who he would sack to make way for her. I've only seen her on one show and she seems to be even more useless than Dannii.  Surely he's not thinking of giving the boot to Cheryl or my favourite lephrucon.