Dream on.

Piers Morgan has made a pillock of himself again by claiming that Cheryl needs a man just like him. I don't think so why would she want a man who spends more time in make up than she does, a man who can't walk past a mirror without looking at it, a man who doesn't seem to have an talent whatsoever.

Cheryl Cole looks stunning as she poses in top designer gear for Harper's Bazaar - but she still reckons she can be "a little bit skanky"  I don't know, you can take the girl out of Newcastle but you can't take Newcastle out of the girl!


Ash must be getting a bit tense in the build up to Sundays game hopefully Liverpool will be knackered after Thursday night's game. I bet he's getting stick from his mates at Fulham given that they are the only English club to make it to a Euro final this year.

Dannii, Dannii,Dannii

Everywhere you look at the monent you see Dannii Minogue. Yesterday it was her clothes range and today it's her bloody wedding plans. I think she is hoping that if she talks about it enough the glossy celeb mags will start a bidding war so she can have a wedding with all the trimmings without having to put her hand in her pocket. I'm sure some of her ancestors must have been Scottisgh!

Despite all her marital problems Cheryl has still been voted the sexiest woman on the planet, may be the fact that she will soon be free and single again may have helped her pull in a few extra votes from guys who think they may be in with a chance of getting jiggy with her.

Hopefully I'll get down to the park for a bit of action while the sun is still out, it's going to be wet and cold for the next few days so I need to sow my oats while I can.

I bet Ash will be watching the Liverpool match tonight, they could do with some of the Liverpool players getting injured or tired out before the big show down at the weekend with Chelsea.

Dannii is starting to look like a beached Wale.

Dannii Minogue appears to be relaunching her clothes range yet again, the range seems to have had more relaunches than Gordon Brown's election campaign. Whilst the range may look very good on models the clothes look ridiculous on her with her big stomach. She would probably sell more outfits if she gets Kylie to model them.

I bet Ashley was a happy bunny today seeing Barcelona being knocked out of the Champions league by the special one. Chelsea were well cheated in last years Semi by Barcelona so it's nice to see the biter get bitten.
There was also fistie cuffs at the end when their keeper tried to do a rugby tackle on Jose but Jose was too quick for him and sold him a dummy.

Another Marriage on the rocks.

Stevie G and Alex have issued a statement today denying that their marriage is on the rocks. This is usually a sign that all is not well. What is it about modern footballers? They have the nice houses, the flash cars and attractive wive's yet they still manage to screw things up. At least it could explain why Stevie has been playing so poor this year.

Simon reckons he's too busy to get married, too busy my arse. If he wanted to get married he could pop down to the registry office and tie the knot in his lunch hour. The whole relationship thing as just been a stunt to portray Simon as a red blooded male.

One paper today claimed that Ash and Cheryl has slipped away for a make or break holiday. What twaddle would Ash go away on holiday a few days before the biggest match of the season? I think some of these journalists just put a load of bizarre ideas into a hat and then select one at random and claim it as an exclusive.

Big earners.

I was surprised to discover today that  Cheryl earned less money last year than Charlotte Church. How can Charlotte have made so much money, she's only released one successful record since reaching puberty, her ony TV show was a low budget affair over on Channel 4, she's had no big modeling job and she hasn't sold the rights to her wedding yet. I do wonder if Cheryl has tried to squirrel away some of her cash just in case Ask tries to get his hands on it during the divorce.

Ash must be on cloud 9 today after the boys hammered Stoke 7-0. All theyve got to d now is beat the scouse mob and the title is as good as theirs. I definitely want to see Fergies face when United lose the title it will be a picture.

Will they, won't they?

According to the Mirror divorce is just around the corner, but the Sunday People printed on the same presses claim that Cheryl is about to take Ash back. When will I get to find out the truth? Both papers surely can't be right.

The England manager seems to have changed his mind and said that the WAGS can stay near their blokes at the World Cup, I'm not sure that JT will be too pleased with the decision, but Ash might be pleased if Cheryl decidesshe wants to go to the World Cup with him.

I've spent the afternoon watching a repeat of last nights BGT while waiting for the Chesea match to kick off, I got all excited when they said a dog was going to play the guitar, but unfortunately it was all hype and all it did was touch the strings a few times. We also got a useless pig, some racing snails that wouldn't race and a big horse that proceeded to shit all over te stage. Simon tried to appear shocked at the horse but most of the acts on he stage tonight were shit. I'm sure I could do a lot better if I appeared on the show at least I can read newspapers and use a computer.

The writings on the wall.

If todays Mirror is to be believed Cheryl is well on te way to untying the knot with Ashley. According to the terms of the divorce Ash can't phone or text her for six months after divorce; she keeps £6million home; she will not cite adultery as reason for divorce.  I get a mention in the story because se says the only thing she wants from Ash is a quick divorce and her two dogs. Well I'm clearly flattered that she thinks so much of me, given how ittle tme she has spent with me in he last couple of months I think it migt be a mixed blessing if she gets custody of me and coco. I really hope she isn't planning to move us both to LA. I couldn't bare to spend 6 months in warrantine and then having to make new friends amongst the over pampered American pooches. The alternative may be having to spend more time with her miserable bloody mother.

I can't understand why all the blame for the marriage has been heaped on Ash, I know he's been a naughty boy but if Cheryl had been at home more he would have had less chances and less need for him to stray away from home. All males think with their dicks if more wive's understood this there would be far fewer divorces.

All in all it's not been a good day for Ash with Man U sneaking a lucky win against Spurs thanks to a couple of dodgy penalties. So Ash will have to be on top form tomorrow to cope with Stoke.

Money,money,money.

Simon and Cheryl are both continuing to coin it in according to a new survey on celeb earnings, but does money buy happiness? Simon is planning on spending some of his earnings on four separate weddings while Cheryl might end up spending hers on a divorce.  While Cheryl gets richer I'm sure she would happily give it all up to spend more time with her two favourite dogs.

Ashley has a tough weekend coming up with Chelsea playing Stoke and Man U playing Spurs. Celsea shoud win but Stoke can be a bit physical which is not reallywhat Ash wants on his first game back especially with JT suspended. We reallly need Spurs to do us a favour but they usually crumble at Old Trafford.

Disney Calling

Cheryl has finally made it back to the life of the living with a few mentions in the papers and on radio. All the buzz is that Cheryl could be about to sign a deal with Disney to get into the movies. The only problem with this story is that no one seems to have a clue about what kind of film she will make. Some people think it could be a music based film like the one Mylee Cyrus made but surely that market hs reached overkill. I think it would be better if she made a film about the relationship between a successful singer and her pet dog.
This would apeal to both music fans and doglovers so it woud be a sure fire box office winner.

Cheryl has also got herself in the paper by describing Will.i.am as her fairy godmother! I don't know where she gets that idea from. Has he turned a pumpkin into a carriage for her or introduced to a Prince Charming?
Or may be she was making a subtle point because I don't know any fairy tale where the princess marries her fairy godmother.

Vanished without trace!

Another day without Cheryl in the papers it's beginning to get serious. There's plenty of stories about Kerry and Posh and even Dannii but Cheryl remains anonymous. Victoria has even made it onto the front of Vogue, it's nice to see them using older women for a change but surely Chery's face would have sold more copies.
Dannii is in the papers because her fashion range is about to be revealed. Known as project D, I can only assume the D stands for disaster. Dannii describes it as glamorous yet effortless. Well having seen some of the designs she certainly doesn't seem to have put much effort into putting them together.

Had a good day in the park today, the hot weather seems to have bought the sexy bitches out in droves. I think many of them were impressed with my bling, if I had not been on a tight leash I would jhave been sowing my wild oats for sure!

Disappeared without trace

I scoured all the papers but couldn't find the slightest mention of Cheryl. She really is running the risk of becoming yesterday's news. Kerry Katona is starting to look like some kind of saint after the papers have shown all her ex fellas to be total tossers. Jordan is out of the headlines because she is stuck in Egypt so Cheryl really needs to look at raising her profile sooner rather than later.

Simon is full of himself today claiming he's going to have four weddings to the same woman, he wants to tie the knot in LA, Hollywood , Barbados and Brighton. Weddings for Simon appear to be a bit like buses, you don't see one for ages and then four all come along at the same time. I suppose the beauty of four weddings is that you can sell the rights to four different magazines. If he can get £1m from each mag he should make a fortune.

Got so bored today finished up watchinh a repeat of 'Dragon's Den' whilst there are some great ideas on the show I'm still waiting for an inventor to come up with a gadget that alows small dogs like me to shag bitches that are twice my size. I have the desire and the right equipment but at present I can't seem to make ends meet.

Low profile

Cheryl seems to be keeping a low profile at the moment I don't think she gets a mention in any of the papers, the only problem with keeping a low profile is that it allows the competition to get extra exposure, Selena Gomez is pushing a new album and she can certainly give Cheryl a run for her money in the singing stakes and in the good look stakes. Miley is also starting to increase her profile but luckily she can't get into the country at the moment because of the flight ban. Even former X-factor contestant Diana Vickers is starting to stake her claim to be Brutain's most lusted after popstar. Cheryl should be pulling out all the stops to put tese upstarts in their place.

Ashley has been photographed out on the town with Frank and Joe after the Spurs match. Luckily for Ash the jounalist did point out that he left sober and with no woman in tow. Hopefully Cheryl will see the pics and see that he's not suc a bad boy after all.

BGT

Finally brought myself to watch BGT today and really wish I hadn't bothered, old men dancing with balloons, 10 year old girls singing Vera Lyne songs and a flipping parrot. Where is the talent? Even Simon realised how futile things and become and took a sickie so Louis had to take is place on the panel.

Looks like Cheryl is in the money again Simon has pushed up her wages on X-factor while cutting Dannii's wages because she will only be working part-time.  That's bound to get Dannii frothing at the mouth but surely she should realise she's lucky to have a job at all given her genuine lack of talent.

Doom and Gloom

After a couple of weeks of positive speculation in the papers they all now seem to be agreeing that Cheryl is going to officially divorce Ashley fairly soon. So yours truly could soon be on the look out for a new abode. Chezza will soon hop it the US and I really don't want to spend another day with her mother.

At one point today I really thought Chelsea had the title in the bag and then old man Scholes stole a late winner in Fergie time and then we were done over by Spurs. So the beautiful game has suddenly turned ugly especially with JT getting sent off. He will now probably miss he next two matches so we will have beat the Scouse mob with out them.

BGT was back on the box tonight it's like X-factor for people who have got no musical talent, or they've got musical talent but also have issues. Simon claims he so fed up of watching al the dross that he might step down as a judge and make Jordan a judge instead. That really would ensure it becomes as freak show. How can you have three judges on a talent show when they haven't got an ounce of talent between them. I hope this year their will be no acts that involve dogs jumping through fire or doing anything else stupid or dangerous.

Simon Cowell claims he's become areal softie since hitching up with his new woman, that obviously why he's having to use so much Viagra. Why does he have to keep going on about his love life? Do I keep refering to how many bitches I get acquainted with in the park?

Ash is going to be starting on the bench tomorrow against Spurs, after spending so long on the naughty step, moving up to the bench is progress I suppose.

I can't believe how every one keeps banging on about the election, from what I can see none of the party leaders own dogs so what do they know about anthing?

Visiting the Shrink

I had to go and visit the pet psychologist today because Cheryl is worried that all the separation stuff might be upsetting me. Of course it's bloody upsetting me having to mooch around the house all day with Cheryl's mum and Coco as company.  What I really need is Cheeryl's undivided attention for a few days but there is fat chance of that happening. Instead I have to spend 30 minutes with some overpaid quack who doesn't have a clue what he is doing. He charges Cheryl £200 an hour for his time so he's clearly on a good earner. After spending half an hour with me he then spends 30 minutes telling Cheryl what she wants to hear.

Apparently a group of rappers were ejected from the BGT auditions after making threatening remarks towards Piers and Simon. Why oh why didn't the security guards turn a blind eye and let thing kick off, people would tune in, in their millions to see those two getting a pasting.

How much talent has Britain really got.

Simon Cowell has said that this years auditions have not yet thrown up another Susan Boyle, I'm not sure if he means a really good singer or a fruit cake. Simon has also been uncovered as an hypecrite after old footage was found of him saying that young children shouldn't be allowed on TV talent show.

That talentless bimbo Jordan is hogging the headlines again, there is speculation that she may be pregnant because she has pulled out of the London marathon. I think it's more likely that she has pulled out because she has not prepared well enough or may be she is worried that she might give herself two black-eyes if her boobs bounce too much. If you can get as much publicity pulling out of a race than taking part in it then why waste the time and effort running 26 miles.

Posh Spice is in a flap because her PA has left her, she is desparate to find a replacement as quickly as possible, but why the heck does she need a PA? I thought only people with demanding jobs required PA's what does Posh actually do? She doesn't sing, she is not a record producer and she doesn't run a company.

I whiff of fame.

It sounds as though Ash is making a play for Cheryl by buying gifts for me and Coco, he's bought us each a leather dog collar with the letter A stamped on them. I'm not sure if the A is for Ashley or for abandoned.
He's also bought Cheryl a golden leaf to show her he has turned over a new leaf. How corny has Ashley become in is desparation to win Cheryl back?

The boys had a narrow win over Bolton but at least we are still on track for the title. Ashley better start looking for a bigger trophy cabinet.

Forever in grey jeans!

You know it's a slow news day when Cheryl wearing a pair of jeans which look like they've got grey  paint spilt all over them, makes the headlines. To be honest though I think the Daily Hate only ran the story so they could repeat their silly story about Cheryl changing the locks at home even though she wasn't at home at thje time.

Sir Alex says that the title is slipping away from him so soon he will just be Alex again. Ash must be like a dog with two dicks at the moment with Chelsea favourites to win the league and only Porstmouth standing between them and another FA cup win.

Bllody Sunday Papers

Sometimes I wish Cheryl would stop buying he Sunday papers because although I try my hardest not to read them, curiosity or boredom always gets the better of me. Today one of the paps claims Cheryl has changed all the locks and will never take Ash back, then another paper says she's keen to kiss and make up. Who am I suppose to believe?

Simon Cowell has been giving dog advice to Alexandra Burke telling her she's away from home too much to own a dog. But she decided to ignore him and buy one anyway.

I can't believe that Simon is keeping Dannii on X-factor, she's going to be missing most of the series having a sprog, but Simon seems to be bending over backwards to keep her involved. What does he see in her that most other people don't.

Why does Cheryl need to see a medium?

When  I first heard that Cheryl had been visiting a medium to get advice on her marriage I was a bit shocked, but then again this is the same woman who used to spend hundreds of pounds a month sending me to a quack who claimed to be a pet psychologist.

Whilst I'm sure their are plenty of mediums out there who may have special powers and can offer up useful advice to clients surely in Cheryl's case the medium will have read most of the papers and know the ins and outs of Cheryl and Ashley's marriage in great detail. With all that info to go at does any one really need special powers to have an insight into her problems. Cheryl could have saved herself a lot of money by reading the comments on any of the various celebrity websites on the Internet.

Dannii Minogue claims that she is having cravings for Ferero Roche chocolate, this has probably got nothing to do with her pregancy but just a blatant attempt to score some freebie chocolates.
Ashley should be a happy bunny tonight with Chelsea beating Villa in the semi of the FA cup. Talking of semi's I wonder if Ashley has had one since Cherylditched him.

Where do I stand?

Cheryl has given an interview in which she says she loves her career more than she loves Ashley, but she didn't mention me or Cocoa. I can only assume that she likes her career more than me because she is now spending so much time away from home.

Cheryl has been wowing fans in Norway by flashing a bit of leg and revealing a barbed wire tattoo around her thigh. Flipping heck is there nothing she won't do to sell a few extra records?

How stupid must you be to read the Daily Mail?

Another day another load of tosh in the papers. The Daily Mail claim that Cheryl signalled the end of her marriage by wearing a ring with skull and cross bones on rather than a wedding ring. What they failed to explain was that the ring was party of a costume she was wearing. But why should you let simple facts get in the way of a bit of shit stirring?

Ashley is well on the way back to playing again so hopefully he will be in the team as they seal the Premiership in the next couple of weeks, Rooney is injured so United's goals will soon dry up and without him scoring they will struggle to win all their remaing matches especially as they have still to play Man City again.

Whitney is not well again, I assume this is some form of euphamism for the fact that she is overdoing the drugs or the alcohol.

Is she starting to miss me.

Whilst Cheryl continues to ring me every day wherever she is in the world I do often wonder if she really misses me when she's away. But today I finally found evidence that she does miss me, in an interview with a paper she claimed she was so lonely that she often talks to herself. Now if she was at home she would be talking to me rather than talking to herself.

What's the story with Dannii Minogue? Before she got pregnant she was forever trying to dodge the photographers but now she's got a bun in the oven you can't switch on he TV or open a paper without seeing a picture of her. Whilst I realise that women often get strange cravings when pregnant , craving to be photographed all the time seems a very strange one indeed.

Best dressed celeb

On the day that she is judged to be the worlds best dressed celeb Cheryl manages to get photographed wearing a jumper you might buu from a catalogue.

Ashley is still being accused of sleeping with a member of the 'Saturdays' even though the woman concerned has flatty denied it.

On paper wanted to know why Cheryl was looking so happy this morning, the plonker who wrote that article clearly didn't know that Newcastle have just woman promotion back to the premiership, Cheryl did give them a big clue by wearing a black and white stripey jumper.

Open season on the Cole's

You always know it's a Bank Holiday when journalists start writing any twaddle so they can spend more time with their families. One clown has written a piece about how upset Will.I.am is because Cheryl has spent more time wih Derek the Dancer. Does Will.I.am think he owns Cheryl or something? He needs to get over himself and stop acting like a prat.

Another silly doing the rounds is that Ash is dating one of the Saturday's, if Ash was secretly seeing a new woman he would hardly go out with a celeb who attracts as much media attention has he does.

Even Colleen has jumped on the band-wagon giving marital advice to Cheryl, is this the same woman who stayed with Wayne even after he had admitted shagging some geriatric hookers.

Scraping the Barrel

With very little new to write about Cheryl an Ashley the papers have decide to dig up so old stories to fill up a few column inches. On of the paps claimed that Cheryl had fallen out with a paasenger on a flight to LA when the passenger tried to take a photo of her. This is hardly news, why wouldn't Cheryl have ago at some one invading her privacy? If I had been there I woul have been biting at their ankles.

Apparently Cheryl has also revealed that she is worried she might be left on the shelf if she divorces Ashley, what a load of twaddle, Cheryl would never make such a stupid statement because she knows men would be falling ove themselves to get into her knickers if she became available

Sharon Osborne has been having ago at Dannii for having botox, what a silly bint, how much cosmetic surgery has Sharon had for heaven's sake?

I finally got my Easter egg but it was a cheap bog-standard one, I'm sure Cheryl's much has eaten my luxury egg and then tried to fob me off with a cheap tacky one. I think I'll have to shit in her slippers to gain revene.!

Back of the net.

A week ago the title race seemed to be slipping away from Chelsea but now we are back in the driving seat. Seeing Alex moaning about the ref really made my day. Today's result must have even bought a smile to grumpy Ashley's face. With Shrek out injured and United having to battle in Europe the road to the title now looks quite straight forward.

More rumours are circulating about what Cheryl is upto in LA, after all he speculation about her spending Easter with Will.I.am the papers are now back-tracking and claiming she is actually spending time with Derek Hough. Well when Cheryl phoned me she didn't mention either of these blokes she just said she had been working hard on her album, but then again she told me to enjoy my Easter egg. The egg that seems to have disappeared without trace. It did notice her mum blushing slightly when the egg was mentioned so I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to sneak out and buy me a replaceent from the papershop.

Where's my Easter Egg?

I've searched the house high and low yet I still can't find my Easter Egg. Cheryl usually hides presents in her wardrobe but I can't see any thing resembling a chocolate egg. This can only mean one of two things. Either Cheryl has not bought be an egg this year or her mum has nabbed it. Despite being a skinny bint she doesn't half like to knock back the chocolate.

Kimberely is trying to big up she's been asked to make a documentary about jeans! Wow how did she land such a wonderful assignment? I bet Cheryl will be fair gutted when she finds out she missed out on such a high profile job, I think not.

Good news for the lads Rooney is set to be out for 3 weeks so the title could stil becoming to Stamford Bridge. Get that Champagne on ice! 

Minogue, Minogue. Minogue

Everywhere you look today there is a Minogue looking at you. Dannii is on the TV advertising M&S every five minutes, Dannii has also been voted sexiest woman in Britain and Kylie has been voted most powerful celebrity in Britain. I don't think Cheryl will be to happy about either decision. When did Kylie last have a hit single or album in this country. And Dannii is certainly no oil painting. Cheryl needs to launch a fightback before the Minogue sisters achieveworld domination.