No fun in the park

I hate windy days because too much wind always messes up my love life. For some reason most dogs go wappy when the wind gets up and they prefer to chase their own tails rather than taking any interest in mine. The only bitch who was remotely seemed interest in sex was a foot taller than me so it was never going to happen. Hopefully I'll have more look tomorrow.

Ashley let down again.

Every time Ashley takes a night off the rest of the team slip up without him. How could they slip up against the bloody scousers again? If they don't start to pull their fingers out there will be a lot of changes in January. If a new manager arrives Ashley could soon find himself sat on the bench or facing the boot.

Nice one Ash

One of the papers today features a picture of Ash whacking some cheeky geezer who tried to mock hi by calling him 'Cashley'. Idiots like that deserve a good slap hopefully this should persuade other morons not to be so rude when in earshot of Ash.

More X-factor dross

With Louis, Tulisa, Kelly and Gary on the judging panel does the show really need any more muppets? Al the guests tonight were poor and the result was fairly predictable. I've reached the point where I don't care who wins the show because they are all much of a muchness.  Hopefully viewing figures will be so poor this year that the show will be scrapped altogether and they will bring out a new show that is more entertaining.

So what?

X-factor judge Tulisa has given an interview to the Sun in which she sounds off about everything under the sun. But who really cares what she says? She is fairly average singer an a well below par judge and mentor. I think the editor just wanted to pad out the paper by sticking in this piece of pointless story.

Ash and the boys got back to form thrashing Swansea 3-0 hopefully they have now started to turn things around.

Ash has a poorly ankle.

Ash could miss this weekends game with a poorly ankle, it's not like him to pick up niggly injuries perhaps old age is catching up with him.

Ashley looks for a career change

Ashley has clearly started to read the writing on the wall and decided to start looking for work outside of football. He's signed up to do a film with that famous actor Danny Dyer! His first role shouldn't be too tough though because he is meant to be playing himself. I wonder if I might feature in the film? Perhaps they will use a body double to play me.

Another slip up

The Chelsea boys managed to slip again in the last minute of their game in Germany. Will they ever learn that the game ain't over till the fat lady sings? At least Ash can't be blamed tonight because he wasn't playing.

Damp Squib

This years X-factor seems to have become a bit of a damp squib. With all the characters now out of the final it is going to be like watching paint dry. The only thing that could spice things up are some really good guests or the return of Simon or Cheryl. If things go on as they are doing I'm not really sure the show will return next year. Will advertisers and sponsors really want to be associated with a ratings loss? Most of the judges seem pretty fed up with the show and I can't see many people queuing up to replace them. May be ITV will bring back Blind Date or Play your cards right to bring back the Saturday night audiences.

Naughty, naughty.

The last time Rihanna was on X-factor the show was criticised for being too raunchy so on Sunday she appeared to be on her best behaviour wearing a dress and concentrating on her singing rather than flaunting her body. But it looks like she had the last laugh by having the words 'F**k off' written on her white shoes.  No body watching the show will have seen it but she clearly knew that picture editors through out the land would be crawling all over the pictures with a magnifying glass looking for something that could grab the headlines so wee can safely assume the message was their solely for their benefit.

Chelsea lose again.

I've always been a Chelsea fan ever since Ashley signed for them but my patience is starting to wear a little thin. They have now lost to United, Arsenal and Liverpool, and the way they are playing I could see them struggling against Spurs and Man City. They didn't even seem to try today after going behind early on they pulled it back but then didn't bring on Torres until the 85th minute. You can't win with an attitude like that.

Craig got dumped from X-factor which was only to be expected given his performance last night. I would say Marcus is now the favourite because the girly vote will now be spread very thinly.

X-factor encourages bullying.

According to experts X-factor teaches children how to bully. When kids see the judges making nasty comments to contestants they think it's OK to repeat such behaviour with their peers. Well I suppose the judges are pretty childish at times so it's not too surprising if kids are able to relate to them so easily.

Tonight's show was fairly dire with some many great film songs to pick from most of them managed to pick some real stinkers. It's hard to work out who will go this week because they were all much of a muchness.

Sexy Snaps

The day after saying she was too sick to sing with Gary Barlow she has released a load of sexy pictures of herself.  Whilst she still has a stunning figure she will soon reach a point when she starts to be seen as mutton dressed had lamb.  She needs to stop relying on the sexy look and instead head towards the trendy and sophisticated look.

Been watching a bit of Children in Need, everyone has clearly made an effort but isn't it time they did a show for dogs. Thousands of dogs have been put down because owners can't feed them, and thousands more have been killed so the owners can claim on the insurance.

Blatter Blunder

Looks like footballs big chief Seppe Blatter has put his put in it again claiming that racism isn't really a problem in football and any disputes that do arise can be settled with a handshake at the end of the game. What a plonker Ashley and other black players at Chelsea get abused all the time and very little gets done about it. If a black player commits a foul he is twice as likely to get sent off as a white player. How many black refs are their in the premiership?

Perfect face.

Scientists claim that Cheryl has got the perfect face. Well they do say after a while owners grow to look like their dogs so I suppose I should be claiming some of the credit for how attractive she is.

Cheryl cries off.

Cheryl should have been singing a duet with Gary Barlow for 'Children in Need' on Friday night but she has pulled out because she is poorly. I must say the thought of  doing a duet with Gary makes my tummy turn so she has probably done the right thing. I only hope it's not a sign that she is starting to get stage fright. I've almost forgot the last time I saw her singing live on telly since last years X-factor.

Bring back Cheryl

As the latest series of X-factor continues to bomb it looks like Simon is trying to tempt Cheryl to return to the show to boost viewing figures. I find the story a bit hard to believe at the moment given that Cheryl is no longer the star she was 12 months ago, will she really pull in millions of extra punters? What will her role be, will she replace one of the existing judges such as Louis who now has nothing to do now that Kitty has gone or does Simon want her to sing on the show to promote one of her records. If Simon really has been pushing her to return it probably just goes to show quite how bad things have got.

Fix!

Yet again the great unwashed are alleging that X-factor is fixed just because the show published the results of a telephone poll a hour before the phone lines closed. As usual the shows producers claim that it was just a technical hitch, seems like the show has had plenty of such hitches this year.

Elsewhere in the papers Louis claim that he is about to quit the show and Kelly seems to be ready to walk as well. If Kitty gets the boot tonight Louis may as well quit because he will have no acts left to mentor. I would rather him quit rather than sit there every week whinging about the fact that all his acts have gone.

Power cut

Tonight's X-factor was delayed by a power cut. Sadly it was only delayed by 30 minutes. Without all the characters it's so flat.

Dog rough

I don't know where last nights dinner came from but it has left me feeling dog rough. Whilst I don't have strongest constitution I've never been so poorly after eating a tin of dog food again.  I can only assume that Cheryl's mum has been skimping on the housekeeping buying dinted tins on the reduced counter.

Ash is busy preparing for the match with Spain. Poppy or no poppies I think we will get well and truly stuffed tomorrow by the best team in the world.

What happened to the Sun?

Whilst I'm as pleased as anyone that we have so far escaped the snow and ice that we got last year is it too much to ask for a bit of sun. The days are just so short and miserable, sometimes I wish I could hibernate for the winter or fly off somewhere really sunny like LA or the West Indies. May be the next time Cheryl jets off somewhere she might smuggle me in her suitcase to try and cheer me up.

Lets twist again.

Just when X-factor had a chance to save itself by bringing back Johnny the producers throw a curve ball and bring back the four contestants dropped after the first live show. Is this really just an admission that they dropped the wrong people? It will probably bring back a few punters but at the end of the day none of the finalists have really got star potential.

Frankie finally goes.

The X-factor bosses have finally decided that Frankie is more trouble than he's worth and given him the boot. His really problem was that he was trying so hard to be cool that he finished up looking a prat. Hopefully the bosses will now see sense and bring back Johnny. If Johnny doesn't come back the show will have lost all it's characters and it will soon become the most boring show on TV.

Cheryl has given her first interview for yonks and she has blamed all her problems on malaria. She reckons every thing went tits ups when she got poorly and she has never recovered.

How much more low profile can Cheryl get?

Cheryl seems to have disappeared without trace over the last few months. Whilst Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber took all the plaudits at the MTV bash  Cheryl was nowhere to be seen. If she keeps up this low profile much longer any chance of a comeback will be extremely slim. Once a pop-star falls out of fashion it's very hard to get back into fashion.  She can't even use X-factor this year to promote any new single so she will have to do it the hard way.

Bye, bye Johnny

Those stupid X-factor judges have kicked off the only genuine character on this years show. What were they thinking of saving Kitty and dropping Johnny? Kitty will probably go anyway next week. How the heck did Frankie survive? He was totally rubbish last night an he knew it. I reckon by next week viewing figures will be down by another half a million.

I can't stand the rain.

Now I'm not the biggest fan of hot weather but at least when it's hot I see plenty of action at the park, I'm not really keen on cold weather because it makes my willy shrink but the weather I hate most of all his rain. For a dog rain just means getting way to muddy. Unless someone thinks of drying me down with a towel I will be forced to sit around all day in a soggy coat. Yuck.

Make the most of it.

The X-factor acts have been out on the town for the Cosmo awards making the most of their 15 minutes of fame. This time next year they will all be forgotten about unless they are in court for benefit fraud or assault.

The bloke who claims that Louis Walsh assaulted him in a toilet has now withdrawn the claim saying it was a misunderstanding. I wonder if Max Clifford has been involved paying the bloke off to keep it all quiet.

Shock horror.

One paper today claims that X-factor judges read from scripts. Surely everyone knew that already you only have to see how many times a singer gives a crap performance yet the judges wax lyrical about how good the act was. The only thing that surprises me is that the script writers they use are so poor.

Ashley had another frustrating night with the boys failing to bring back all three points from Genk.

When did Gary Barlow become such a snitch?

Looks like Gary has been blagging about all the backstage falling's out on X-factor. He confirmed the worst kept secret in the world that Tulisa and Kelly had a big fallout and he also had a bitch about Louis. How will all this blabbing help to restore harmony on the judging panel? It's not clear at the moment if he is doing this off his own back or whether puppet master Simon is pulling the strings. I've no doubt all the judges will all be sweetness and light on Saturday night with plenty of scripted lines of banter.

Chelsea blow it again.

What are Ashley and the boys playing at. First they lose to QPR and Chelsea and now they get held one - one by a team of minnows. They had plenty of chances to win thew game but they just couldn't deliver the killer blow, they even missed a sodding penalty.

There's been no sightings of Kelly at any of the airports so Simon is either going to have to stick to his guns and sack her or back down and look like a wimp. Looks like a win-win situation to me.