Still in with a shout.

After scraping to a 2-1 win over Spurs, Ashley and the boys are back in with a shout of the title. If Arsenal can do us a favour tomorrow it will be game on again, Fergie must be starting to sweat.

Thank god it's all over.

After weeks of wall to wall coverage at last the bloody royal wedding is over. If I can avoid looking at the papers on Saturday I should be free of this garbage.

Is Kate the new Cheryl?

With Cheryl becoming more anonymous by the day is Kate set to replace her as the peoples Princess? While Cheryl has got lots of skeletons in her cupboard Kate is still being portrayed as little miss perfect. If Cheryl finally loses her title as the nation's sweet heart it is bound to hit record sales and advertising contracts. I reckon Cheryl should start to make a play for Prince Harry to try and resurrect her flagging career.

When will this royal wedding be over?

Everywhere I look it's royal wedding this or royal wedding that. It is really starting to bore me now please get on with it so we can have some real news.

Barca gave Real Madrid a real kicking tonight so it looks like it will be Barca V United in the final. Hopefully Messi will score a hat-trick against the Manchester mob.

Silly Lily

Lily Allen is having a major strop on Twitter about the fact that she hasn't been invited to the royal wedding. Why is she making so much fuss? Is she really a big fan of the Royal family or is she just jealous that other singers like Joss Stone have been invited and she hasn't.

99% certain

After all the will she? won't she stories the papers now say Cheryl is 99% certain of being an X-factor judge in the states.

Bring on the eggs.

It's Easter Sunday so where has Cheryl put all my big chocolate eggs?

Up the blues

Chelsea are coming strong on the rails they just need United to start slipping up but the referees are still looking after them denying Everton a clear penaly today.

Watch BGT but seemed a bit boring compared to last week, may be they have peaked too soon.

Dogs. dogs, dogs

The papers are full of dog stories today. An old dear got fined because her dog got to the park before she did, a city high-flyer gave away a dog and then stole it back again and another dog will be putdown ecause it looks viscious.

Cheryl gets clucky!

According to the ever unrealiable Mirror, Cheryl is starting to look a bit clucky when she is around young children. If Cheryl really want's someone to mother why doesn't she spend more time with me? I would love to now how someone looks clucky unless they stick on a chicken suit and start flapping their wings. For the papers any woman who reaches a certain age without having a sprog must be clucky or broody. In the case of Cheryl the sub plot of the story is that at the moment she doesnt have a lot more to do rather than baring children.

Am I bored with all the wedding talk.

You can't watch TV or open a paper at the moment without having to hear or read about this stupid royal wedding. It is really getting on my nerves because it is so boring. Even when Will's does get married he could well be left waiting another 20 years before he gets the chance to be king.

BGT doing fine without Simon

Early audience figures suggest that BGT is doing very even without Simon pulling the strings. The show pulled in 10million whilst the dancing show on BBC hardly made it to 3m. Just goes to show what garbage the British public will put up with.

Bye bye Simon

Simon has finally admitted that he won't appear as a regular judge on X-factor. He has clearly seen that the show has peaked and that the real money is in the States. Cheryl has still not declared what she is doing yet but I'd be surprised if she continues without Simon unless he is going to let her become the big cheese.

Apparently thousands of girls now resort to bullying at school because they want to grow up just like Cheryl. I'm not sure madam will be pleased to be getting the blame for all that bullying.

Will Ash get a new boss

All the commentators are predicting a change of manager at Stamford Bridge over the Summer but who will be next in the hot seat? Gus Hindink is a strong candidate along with the Barcelona's boss. The special one has ruled himself out so the list of runners is likely to be fairly short and sweet.

Where is the talent

Forced myself to watch BGT but didn't see a great deal of talent, saw an old bird dancing with two dogs, an old bloke dancing like a prat and a 9 year old comedian doing jokes that were 20 years old. I can see why Simon decided to get out while the going was fairly good.

Chelsea had a good day at the office beating West Brom 3-1 but Torres has still not got a goal what a waste of £50m. Nice to see United lose 1 nil to City. The look on Fergie's face was priceless.

Joe back with his mum

Looks like Joe McEldrey's pop career has hit the rocks, his record contract has been binned and he's swapping his posh London pad for a spare room at his mums. Where did it all go wrong? There are clearly too many squeaky clean singers around at the moment so Joe was unable to break into a very crowded market.

Surely it can't be time for BGT again

It only seems like yesterday that the last series of Britain's got talent finished and it back on again on Saturday. The only difference this year is that even the judging panel is lacking in talent this year with Piers and Simon spending more time in the States, the talentless Amanda Holden is now joined by the Hoff and Michael McIntyre. The Hoff knows nothing about music and doesn't understand the English accent or English humour so how is he meant to judge a British talent contest. McIntyre may know his comedy but knows bugger all about music and dance? When did a comedian ever win BGT. Better find something else to do on a Saturday night.

Cheryl planning to quit Britain

The Cheryl gossip mill continues to churn out the usually nonsense, after months of will she or won't she go to America the word on the street is that she is to quit X-factor in the UK so she can try and crack America. Assuming this part of the rumour is true the second half of the rumour suggests that Mel B from the spice girls will replace her on the judging panel. I really can't see why Simon would want to bring in someone as gobby and argumentative as Mel B unless he's planning to quit the show as well.

What will Cheryl be getting upto in Vegas?

Cheryl has let it be known that she is planning a trip to Las Vegas with Derek. As far as I know Vegas is famous for 3 things, gambling, boxing and quickie marriages that usually end in divorce a month later. Well Cheryl is not known as  big gambler and she certainly doesn't like boxing so could she be about to tie the knot for the second time. She certainly seems to have given the glossy mags plenty of notice so they can start a bidding war over who will get photo rights.


Cheryl reckon's that short hair wouldn't suit her, she is worried that it might make her face look fat, and more importantly it could cost her a lucrative shampoo deal.

Simon told to slowdown

I can't believe how hen pecked Simon Cowell is. Apparently his mother is telling him to slowdown for the sake of his health. What does she think he gets upto all day. Most of his work seems to involve sitting at a desk spouting shite, how hard can that be? When he's not spouting shite he's either out at posh restaurant or living it up somewhere hot. He's obviously been telling his mum porkies if she honestly believes he works hard for a living.

The curse of Girls Aloud

Cheryl finally appears to have succumbed to the curse of Girls Aloud and disappeared off into obscurity. Last year she was on the verge of conquering the World yet right now she nowhere to be seen. She really needs a new PR guru to try and boost her profile but at the moment she seems happy just to let things drift. 

Chelsea back on track

After the blip against United, Chelsea got back to winning ways with a scrappy 1 nil win, hopefully Fernando will bag a hat-trick on Tuesday to stuff United.

Who the heck is Joey Barton?

Some footballler called Joey Barton reckons he's the best midfield player in England yet ost peole don't appear to have ever heard of him. With Rooney taking a vw of silence this Barton guy seems keen to fill the void. He is so obscure that he had to give his pearls of widom to a bloody French football magazine and I bet he can't even speak French.  If he really is that good surely Chesea would have bought him by now.

Being a role model is no fun.

Cheryl was not happy to hear that young girls use pictures of her to help them starve. Some girls are so keen to be as thin as Cheryl that they have almost eating altogether. Perhaps Cheryl should eat more and smoke less to show that a few extra pounds here and there is not such a bad thing.

Simon claims that his dad dying was the worst thing that has ever happened to him, may be that will all change when one of the papers decides to finally out him.

How low will Simon stoop

Cowell today revealed that a couple once offered him £150,000 to judge their performance in bed but he turned them down.  Firstly why would anyone ask Simon for advice on sex and secondly why does Simon feel the need to share this story with the nation?

Bugger Chelsea lost 1 nil to United. The ref was a joke, we should have had at least one penalty and they should have had a player sent off.

Going to have an early night to suck on my cock for comfort.

Cheryl Urged to give up smoking.

Looks like the world and it's mother is queuing up to tell Cheryl to give up the fags. Don't they realise that Cheryl only stays thin because she prefers smoking to eating? If Cheryl didn't smoke she would be as fat as Mary Burns on X-factor. At least when se does smoke se does it discreatly so that impressionable young girls don't see er and try and copy her habit. Smoking is probably only bad vice that Cheryl has apart from shopping, bitching and always looking in the mirror.

Twist and shout

Yet another twist in Cheryl's attempt to conquer te big apple. Some famous yank who I've never heard off has now come out and give his backing to Cheryl to be a judge on American X-factor.  When is this bloody saga going to end? If they want Cheryl sign her up if the don't ten they should f**k off.

Home comforts

Cheryl  has given an interview to a glossy magazine in which she said that when she is in LA she misses tea made in Newcastle. If I was out there in the sun I wouldn't give two hoots about English tea. I wonder if she is talking up the homesickness line as a fallack just in case things don't work out in America. She could then spin any bad news claiming she never wanted to go there in the first place.

Lucky United

I ate a great linch after seeing United were losing 2-0 and then nearly threw it all up again when they came back and won.

Bad hair day.

There must be a real lack of serious news today because several papers think that Cheryl having a bad hair day constitutes serious news.